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The Science & Process of Healing from Grief

Episode 74 May 30, 2022 2h 4m 13 insights
This episode, I discuss grief and the challenges of processing losses of different kinds. I explain the biological mechanisms of grief, including how neural circuits for emotional and factual memory combine with those for love and attachment, to create feelings of absence and yearning. I discuss how grief is distinct from depression, yet why they can feel so similar. I also provide science-based tools to assist with the grieving process, including how to reframe and remap the relationship with those we have lost while still maintaining a strong emotional connection to them. I also explain the importance of having and building strong foundational psychological and biological states so that we can better cope with grief when it happens. Finally, I describe tools to adjust those states, including those for accessing sleep, managing stress and emotional swings. This episode is for those suffering from grief but also for everyone, given that we all experience grief at some point in our lives. We recorded this episode before the recent mass shooting tragedies in the United States. While we hope the information in this episode will be of use to anyone suffering from grief of any kind and at any time, we are also careful to acknowledge that many people require additional support and resources. For that reason, we include mention of such resources and we generally hope people will access them if needed. For the full show notes, visit hubermanlab.com.
Actionable Insights

1. Maintain Attachment, Remap Space/Time

Approach grief by maintaining your deep emotional attachment to the lost person/animal/thing, while actively remapping your understanding of their location in space and time without expecting past interactions to recur.

2. Dedicated Time for Rational Grieving

Set aside 5-45 minutes regularly for “rational grieving,” deeply feeling your attachment to the lost one while consciously preventing “what-if” thinking and anchoring yourself in the present physical environment.

3. Avoid Counterfactual Thinking

Actively disengage from “what-if” thinking during grief, as this infinite landscape of possibilities is tied to guilt and strengthens maladaptive emotional bonds, hindering the remapping process.

4. Reframe Grief as Yearning

Consciously shift your perception of grief from solely sadness to a motivational state of yearning or desire for something specific, as this understanding is key to navigating the process effectively.

5. Establish New “Location” for Lost One

Form a firm mental representation of where the lost person/animal/thing now exists, according to your beliefs, to integrate them into your remapped understanding of space, time, and attachment.

6. Understand Grief’s Three Dimensions

Recognize that your brain maps relationships in terms of space, time, and closeness (attachment). This framework helps explain the disorientation of loss and guides the necessary remapping process.

7. Seek Professional Help for Grief

Access support from a trained professional (psychologist, psychiatrist, or bereavement group) if you are experiencing complicated or prolonged grief, as these conditions often require substantial expert assistance.

8. Regulate Cortisol with Morning Sunlight

View bright sunlight for 10-30 minutes shortly after waking (without sunglasses or through glass) to regulate cortisol rhythms, improve sleep, and establish a stable emotional foundation for navigating grief.

9. Avoid Evening Artificial Lights

Dim lights and avoid bright artificial screens in the evening (especially 10 PM to 4 AM) to support healthy cortisol and melatonin rhythms, crucial for quality sleep and emotional regulation during grief.

10. Increase Vagal Tone with Breathing

Practice long exhale breathing for 1-5 minutes daily, consciously slowing your heart rate during exhales and increasing it during inhales, to strengthen the mind-body connection and access feelings of attachment.

11. Utilize Non-Sleep Deep Rest (NSDR)

Engage in NSDR protocols for 10-30 minutes, potentially multiple times a day, to accelerate neuroplasticity and support the brain’s necessary reordering of connections for moving through grief.

12. Reduce Baseline Adrenaline

Proactively reduce your resting levels of epinephrine (adrenaline) through stress management tools to potentially inoculate yourself against developing complicated or prolonged grief.

13. Build Rich Episodic Memories

Actively lean into building rich episodic memories and emotional attachments with people and animals in your life, as these deep connections make life rich and are worth the eventual grief process.