Learn about the four attachment styles (secure, anxious avoidant, anxious ambivalent/resistant, disorganized/disoriented) to gain self-awareness and understand how your early experiences influence adult romantic relationships. This knowledge is crucial because attachment styles are plastic and can change over time.
If you possess or develop a secure attachment style, actively protect it in your relationships, as it is possible to become anxiously attached if influenced by a partner with a less adaptive attachment style. Maintaining secure attachment is vital for stable, predictable long-term relationships.
Develop the ability to self-regulate your autonomic nervous system (calm down from stress, increase alertness from fatigue) independently of a partner’s presence. Healthy interdependence requires that you can adjust your own physiological state even when your partner is absent.
Actively avoid criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and especially contempt in your relationships, as these behaviors are strong predictors of relationship failure and divorce with high accuracy. Contempt, in particular, is detrimental to attachment and empathy.
Understand that people are motivated to enter relationships to enhance their self-efficacy; cultivate this ‘self-expansion’ by making your partner feel valued, capable, and excited through your words and actions. Additionally, developing a stable internal self-worth reduces susceptibility to external validation and strengthens the bond.
Read the book ‘Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love’ by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. This resource provides actionable tools for forming and maintaining secure attachment styles in adult romantic relationships.
Engage in the ‘36 questions that lead to love’ exercise with a partner or potential partner. This structured exchange of progressively deeper personal narratives can foster autonomic synchronization and deepen feelings of attachment and love.
Perform the physiological sigh (two deep inhales through the nose, followed by a long exhale through the mouth) to quickly calm yourself down. This technique activates the parasympathetic nervous system, helping to adjust your autonomic state.
Engage in cold exposure practices like ice baths or cold showers, or deliberate hyperventilation, to deliberately increase alertness and sympathetic nervous system activation. This can also serve as a form of self-induced stress inoculation.
Search for and explore resources from the Gottmans’ ‘Love Lab’ at the University of Washington. Their extensive research and popular books offer insights into what makes relationships succeed or fail and provide guidance for maintaining healthy partnerships.
Be aware of Helen Fisher’s four mate-seeking categories (dopamine, serotonin, testosterone, and estrogen types) based on self-reported preferences. Recognizing these tendencies in yourself and others can aid in navigating partner selection and respecting different relationship dynamics.
Consult the Huberman Lab episode on testosterone and estrogen optimization to learn about behaviors, supplements, and other factors that influence these hormones. Maintaining appropriate ratios of these hormones is crucial for healthy libido and desire in both men and women.
Exercise caution when attempting to boost libido by solely increasing dopamine levels, as excessively high dopamine can lead to a state of chronic sexual pursuit without the ability for physical arousal or performance. The sexual arousal arc requires a balance of sympathetic and parasympathetic activation.
If seeking to increase libido, consider supplementing with 2-3 grams of maca powder or capsules per day, typically in the morning. Studies suggest maca can significantly enhance subjective sexual desire in both men and women, including those experiencing SSRI-induced sexual dysfunction, without altering hormone levels. (Consult a physician).
For potential increases in libido and free testosterone, consider supplementing with 400mg of Tongat Ali per day, preferably the Indonesian variety. Some research indicates it can increase unbound testosterone by lowering sex hormone binding globulin. (Consult a physician).
Some evidence suggests Tribulus Terrestis (e.g., 6 grams for 60 days, or 750mg/day in other studies) can increase sexual desire and function, particularly in females, and may increase free testosterone in certain populations. (Consult a physician).
Incorporate Athletic Greens into your daily routine by taking one serving once or twice a day. This all-in-one drink helps cover basic nutritional needs, provides probiotics for microbiome health, and includes Vitamin D3K2.
Drink one packet of Element dissolved in 16-32 ounces of water upon waking and during physical exercise. This electrolyte drink (sodium, magnesium, potassium, no sugar) is critical for optimal brain and body function by ensuring adequate hydration and electrolyte balance.
Utilize the Waking Up meditation app for various meditation programs, mindfulness trainings, yoga nidra, or non-sleep deep rest (NSDR) protocols. These practices can help manage stress, improve cognitive and physical energy, and place the brain and body into different states.