Make self-care and personal growth your primary job as a parent or leader, as it frees others (especially children) from the burden of managing your emotions and allows them to thrive with greater ease and peace. This involves understanding your own needs, setting boundaries, and building a support network.
When experiencing strong emotions, provide a clear, truthful story to children and others, explaining what you’re feeling and why. The absence of information or a false narrative is more destabilizing than the truth, as humans need stories to process experiences and avoid unformulated affect.
Recognize true guilt as feeling out of alignment with your own values, which is a useful signal for reflection and change. Distinguish this from taking on others’ emotions or feeling responsible for their discomfort, which is not guilt but a tendency to absorb external feelings at the expense of your own needs.
Actively teach and model frustration tolerance, recognizing that the ’learning space’ between unskilled and skilled is inherently frustrating. Embrace frustration as a necessary component for developing capability and resilience, rather than shielding children or yourself from it.
Embrace ‘messing up’ as an essential first step to practicing repair, which is the most important relationship strategy. Take ownership of your actions (e.g., ‘I’m sorry I yelled’), explain your own emotional management, and reassure others that your actions are your responsibility, not their fault.
Regularly ask children or team members for one manageable and real thing you could do to be a better parent or leader. Differentiate their surface-level words from their underlying needs, feelings, or fears by asking clarifying questions, as learning more about their position does not weaken yours.
Own your role as an authority figure (parent, boss) by setting up systems for success and making decisions that prioritize safety and long-term well-being. Communicate that your actions stem from your role and love, even if they cause temporary conflict or inconvenience, as this provides a sense of security and protection.
Practice ‘gazing in’ to understand your own emotional state before ‘gazing out’ to others’ emotions, especially if you tend to be emotionally porous. Use concrete grounding exercises (e.g., ‘my feet are on the ground,’ naming five objects) to reset boundaries and remind yourself, ‘I am the pilot, not the turbulence,’ and ‘I’m safe, this isn’t an emergency.’
When someone projects their feelings onto you or behaves in a confusing way, practice the ‘most generous interpretation’ of their behavior. In heated moments, ‘do nothing’ externally by softening your physical and emotional stance, managing your own feelings internally, and addressing chronic issues in calmer times.
If a task feels too hard to start, apply Ms. Edson’s advice: the first step isn’t small enough. Continuously break down the task into smaller, more manageable steps until you can achieve a ‘win,’ building capability and momentum.
Engage in ’emotion talk’ with children when emotions are not actively high, teaching them that feelings are normal, have names, and provide information. Share your own struggles and how you navigate them to model emotion regulation and normalize imperfection.
When sad, it’s okay to accept comforting gestures from children (e.g., a hug, a cup of water), affirming their empathy. However, clearly delineate that your emotions are yours to manage and that their primary role is to be a child, not to parent you.
Share your own experiences of struggle, effort, and overcoming challenges with children, such as difficulties with a crossword puzzle or learning a new skill. This models resilience, normalizes imperfection, and provides a powerful lesson in emotion regulation and capability.
Clearly articulate your personal values and boundaries to those in your relationships, whether it’s about communication preferences or personal time. Being vocal about your values helps others ’locate’ and respect you, fostering healthier interactions.
Actively counteract the societal pressure for immediate gratification and constant stimulation by valuing ‘slow’ moments and activities. Consciously create physical barriers (e.g., putting phones in a box) to reduce tethering to technology and appreciate deeper, less ‘stim’ interactions.
When children (or adults) are stuck in shame or lying, share personal stories of your own past imperfections or struggles. This vulnerability helps them feel less alone and unfreezes them from shame, creating a safe space for honesty and learning without punishment.
Incorporate playful methods, like silly songs or role-playing, to teach children coping skills for frustration or difficult tasks. This makes learning engaging and helps them internalize self-regulation strategies in a memorable way.
Actively seek out resources, coaches, or programs for parenting education, just as you would for any other important skill or career. Recognize that effective parenting does not come naturally and investing in learning is crucial for feeling empowered and capable.
Spend a few extra minutes at night whispering affirmations to your child, such as ‘There’s nothing you could ever do that would make me stop loving you’ or ‘You’re a really good kid.’ This simple act creates a sacred, intimate connection and reinforces their inherent worth.
Implement a personal rule to pause before responding to non-urgent communications, especially when feeling heightened emotion (e.g., elevated pulse rate). This practice allows for more thoughtful, less reactive interactions and helps manage the overwhelming demands of constant digital tethering.