Shift from reactive responses to curiosity in relationships, actively engaging with the unknown without emotional attachment to a specific outcome. This allows for empathic understanding of different narratives, recognizing your own experience as subjective, not absolute fact.
Develop self-awareness of your limitations and practice accountability by taking responsibility for your actions without blame or shame. Recognize your role in relationship dynamics, rather than solely attributing problems to your partner.
Recognize that relationships, like individuals, evolve over time and may require “two or three marriages” (redefinitions) even with the same person. Actively redefine yourself and the relationship to keep it “alive” and generative, moving beyond mere survival.
Reflect on whether you are more afraid of abandonment by your partner or of losing yourself (suffocation) within the relationship. This understanding can illuminate underlying behaviors and reactions in intimate connections.
Offer sincere apologies that acknowledge the other person’s feelings and the harm caused, even if unintended, focusing on care for them and the relationship rather than self-preservation. This demonstrates genuine remorse and facilitates repair.
When experiencing hyperarousal during conflict, take a break to regulate your system through silence, music, or movement. This helps shift out of self-protection and allows for more productive and curious engagement.
After causing hurt, actively demonstrate that you value your partner and the relationship beyond just apologizing. Regularly check in, show concern for their ongoing feelings, and protect the relationship by making them feel they matter.
Understand that apology is a dyadic interaction, while forgiveness is a personal freedom you choose for your own well-being. Accepting an apology does not automatically equate to forgiving, as forgiveness can be a solitary process.
In the context of ongoing conflict, proactively ask yourself and your partner, “What have you done this week to make things better?” or “What have you done to make your partner feel that they matter?” This shifts focus from problems to positive contributions.
Embrace the dual needs for security and freedom/adventure, and togetherness and separateness, within a relationship to foster both identification and differentiation of self. Recognize that initial attractions (differences) can become sources of conflict if not navigated with a willingness to change and grow.
Cultivate self-esteem by learning to see yourself as a flawed individual while still holding yourself in high regard. This capacity makes it easier to apologize and take responsibility for mistakes without shame.
Recognize the three main “choreographies” of conflict (pursuer-pursuer, distancer-distancer, pursuer-distancer) to understand the dynamic at play. Instead of focusing on the “plot” of the argument, identify the underlying feelings and patterns being instigated.
Understand that many relationship challenges are not solvable problems but paradoxes that require ongoing management. Embrace the inherent imperfections and unpredictability of human beings in a relationship.
View sex not just as an act, but as “a place you go,” and reflect on what parts of yourself you connect with or express there. Understand that sexuality is a coded language for your deepest emotional needs, wounds, fears, and aspirations.
Recognize that love and desire are distinct and don’t always align; they thrive on different elements. Explore your personal relationship with love and desire by free-associating what each means to you and how you feel when loved versus desired.
If you find it challenging to desire a loved one, consider if your experience of love carries an extra burden of worry or responsibility from past experiences. Desire requires sovereignty and freedom, which can be stifled by a burdened sense of love.
Explore your “erotic blueprint” by reflecting on how you were loved in your early life, as this emotional history is inscribed in your sexual self and preferences. Your sexual fantasies can reveal the depth of your emotional needs.
If you tend to fear losing yourself, practice articulating your true thoughts and needs, even if it means risking conflict or not pleasing your partner. Resenting a partner who stands their ground may indicate you’re sacrificing your own identity.
Be aware of confirmation bias in conflict, where you seek evidence to support your existing beliefs and disregard contradictory information. Actively look for evidence that challenges your assumptions about your partner’s intentions or actions.
Recognize and avoid the fundamental attribution error, where you attribute your own negative behaviors to circumstances but your partner’s to their inherent personality flaws. Practice giving your partner the same nuanced consideration you give yourself.
Recognize when past traumas or experiences are collapsing into present interactions, influencing your interpretation of your partner’s actions. Actively work to ground yourself in the present to discern if your current partner is truly replicating past harms.
For true relationship revival after hurt, engage in “erotic recovery” by seeking new, risky, curious, playful, and imaginative experiences outside the comfort zone. This helps redefine yourselves and the relationship, moving beyond mere survival to aliveness.
Ask yourself, “Knowing myself as well as I do, what do you think makes it hard to live with you?” This self-reflection helps identify personal challenges that impact relationship dynamics and prepares you for partnership.