Learn to access your feelings because they serve as a compass, guiding you in the right direction in life by providing valuable internal information.
Learn to self-regulate by examining anger, anxiety, or sadness without resorting to unproductive behaviors like screaming or self-sabotage, using feelings as information for constructive action.
Adopt a policy of not trying to shift another person’s emotions unless explicitly asked, fostering self-regulation and liberation in interactions by owning your own emotional state.
Learn to differentiate between genuine calm excitement and anxiety-provoking excitement, as your nervous system’s state and your interpretation of it are critical for healthy relationships.
Engage in therapy to gain self-awareness by having a mirror held up to aspects of yourself you haven’t been willing or able to see, uncovering unconscious drivers of your behavior.
Before seeking couples therapy, identify one specific aspect of yourself you want to work on to become your best self in the relationship, focusing on personal growth rather than changing your partner.
Create a list of all the reasons it would be difficult to date you, fostering self-awareness and humility, and reducing the tendency to be a ‘maximizer’ in dating by recognizing your own imperfections.
If your ‘gut’ instinct consistently leads to unhelpful or miserable outcomes, intentionally choose the opposite or a different path to build new, more productive neurological ‘freeways’ of behavior.
Actively rewrite faulty narratives about yourself or experiences by seeking counter-examples and adopting more empowering perspectives, rather than being bound by old, unhelpful stories.
Develop self-compassion, as it enables greater accountability for your actions and mistakes, fostering growth rather than shame, which tends to lead to retreat.
When addressing someone’s behavior, carefully distinguish between ‘what they did’ (the action) and ‘who they are’ (their inherent character) to avoid global condemnation and allow for growth.
Embrace guilt as a positive signal that your actions didn’t align with your values, prompting self-reflection and change, but avoid shame which leads to retreat and unproductivity.
Instead of trying to fix or talk someone out of their feelings, sit with them and be present, allowing them to process their emotions and find their own answers.
When someone expresses a feeling, respond with ‘Tell me more’ to encourage deeper sharing and help them access their internal answers, fostering connection and understanding.
Practice healthy communication by filtering thoughts and feelings, considering how what you’re about to say will land on the other person, rather than sharing everything unfiltered.
Before speaking, ask if your words are kind, true, and useful; if they don’t meet these three criteria, reconsider sharing them to improve communication quality and relational health.
Cultivate intentionality in communication by considering the purpose behind your words and avoiding using others to release your own uncomfortable feeling states.
Approach difficult conversations with curiosity, inviting discussion and understanding the other person’s perspective, rather than starting with blame or assumptions about their character.
For important conversations, prioritize face-to-face interaction over texting to slow down communication, prevent misunderstandings, and remember the human on the other side.
Refuse to engage in arguments via text messages to prevent misunderstandings and further conflict, reserving important discussions for in-person or verbal communication.
In an argument, ensure at least one person remains regulated to prevent both parties from becoming dysregulated, as nothing productive comes from mutual dysregulation.
If both individuals are dysregulated during an argument, pause the conversation until one or both return to a regulated state, such as by taking a walk or relaxing.
During a pause in conflict, consider the other person’s perspective and their version of the story to find common ground and foster compassion before resuming the conversation.
Establish a ’no drama’ policy in relationships, defining drama as evacuative expression rather than constructive challenge, understanding this may mean letting go of some people.
Be aware of ‘help-rejecting complainers’ who seek attention by complaining but reject all solutions; recognize they don’t want help and disengage from trying to fix their problems.
Recognize that the silent treatment is an incredibly aggressive and hostile form of communication that punishes and shuts down dialogue, and avoid using it.
Understand that crying can sometimes be a manipulative tactic to shut down communication or avoid accountability, and address the underlying reasons for such behavior.
Address potential relationship issues or dissatisfactions early on, when the ‘cement is wet’ (i.e., at the beginning of the relationship), to prevent them from solidifying into bigger problems.
During escalated conflict, initiate physical touch, such as holding hands, to calm the nervous system, reconnect, and remind both parties of their underlying bond.
Select partners based on healthy reasons, not unconsciously to resolve ‘unfinished business’ from childhood, which often leads to choosing people who won’t meet your needs.
When evaluating potential partners, be inflexible about core character qualities like honesty, reliability, trust, and aligned life vision, as these are difficult gaps to bridge.
Beyond character qualities, evaluate how a person makes you feel in their presence, looking for a sense of calm, contentment, and safety as key indicators of compatibility.
Maintain flexibility on minor preferences or non-essential traits in a partner, but be firm and uncompromising on core values and character qualities that truly matter for a healthy relationship.
Accept your partner as a complete package, understanding you cannot pick and choose individual traits, and focus on appreciating their whole self rather than trying to change them.
Recognize that dating is a two-way street, not just a shopping experience where you are the sole chooser; consider your own ‘difficult to be with’ traits to foster realism and humility.
When making a list of desired partner qualities, create an equally extensive list of traits that make it difficult to be with you, fostering humility and realistic expectations.
Don’t dismiss potential partners if there isn’t an immediate ‘spark’; if you had a ‘good enough time,’ go on a second date to explore further connection and potential.
Consciously make five positive ‘deposits’ (e.g., compliments, appreciation, small gestures) for every one ‘withdrawal’ (e.g., criticism, complaint) in your relationships to maintain a strong foundation.
Regularly express appreciation for the small, positive details about your partner (e.g., their smell, laughter, presence) to make ‘deposits’ into the relationship’s ‘bank of goodwill’.
When facing relationship challenges, recall the origin story of how you met and what you initially loved about your partner to shift focus and reconnect with their positive qualities.
Strive for relationships where you can bring your ‘rough draft’ or imperfect self, feeling comfortable enough to be authentic and vulnerable without needing to be ‘on’ all the time.
Invest time in understanding your partner’s ‘operating instructions’—their unique needs, triggers, and preferences—to navigate the relationship more smoothly and lovingly.
Recognize that fear of uncertainty can keep you stuck in uncomfortable but familiar situations; embrace the unknown to access freedom and responsibility for your life.
Avoid choosing the certainty of misery over the misery of uncertainty, as attachment to current or past identities can prevent stepping into paths of potential success.
Acknowledge your mortality not morbidly, but to infuse daily life with more intentionality and vitality, choosing how you spend your limited time.
Understand that vitality, not happiness, is the opposite of depression, and cultivate it by making intentional choices, knowing your time is limited.
Focus on activities that genuinely energize you, rather than those that merely activate a stress response, to maintain vitality and avoid draining experiences.
Be aware that mindless internet scrolling acts as a non-prescription painkiller, leading to numbness from being overwhelmed by too many feelings, rather than true relaxation.
Understand that feeling numb is not an absence of feelings, but rather a shutdown response to being overwhelmed by too many emotions, requiring identification of the underlying feelings.
Learn to distinguish between a state of emotional shutdown (overwhelm) and genuine calmness, as they are distinct and require different responses.
Dedicate time, even just five minutes, to focused, linear thinking about a challenge or an irritating situation to gain understanding and growth.
Create space between a stimulus and your response by taking a breath and regulating your nervous system, allowing for a thoughtful response instead of an unprocessed reaction.
Approach personal change as a process with small, manageable steps, understanding that large, sudden changes are often unsustainable.
View the maintenance phase of change as a non-linear process, allowing for mistakes without self-flagellation, and practicing self-compassion with accountability to form new habits.
Identify and remove environmental triggers or temptations that make you susceptible to old, unhelpful habits, especially during vulnerable emotional states.
Recognize that sometimes the safest path to personal growth and achieving your goals involves taking calculated risks, rather than staying in a ‘safe’ but unfulfilling comfort zone.
Learn to recalibrate your internal emotional ’thermostat’ to accurately sense and respond to situations, especially regarding danger and comfort, which may be skewed by past experiences.
Overcome the fear of humiliation to embrace vulnerability and take risks in relationships, as this is essential for deeper connection and growth.
Understand that your inherent value is stable and does not diminish if someone else doesn’t value you, nor does it increase if they do; seek out those who appreciate your intrinsic worth.
Be aware of the ‘paradox of choice’ where too many options can lead to less satisfaction; aim for a manageable amount of choice rather than maximizing every decision.
Acknowledge the innate human wiring to love and be loved, and be open to the diverse forms and expressions that love can take in your life.
When making decisions, always opt for the choice that leads to a ‘bigger life,’ embracing desires and opportunities rather than staying stuck in conventional or comfortable but unfulfilling paths.
When facing a problem, seek an objective, wider lens that provides context and considers all sides of the narrative, rather than just your own, to better manage the situation.
When upset with a partner, consciously engage your five senses to identify specific positive qualities or aspects you appreciate about them, fostering connection and perspective.
Understand that self-knowledge and personal growth are not prerequisites for relationships, but rather often occur and accelerate through connection and interaction with others.
Utilize workbooks or structured guides to methodically break down and rewrite faulty narratives that shape your thoughts, feelings, and actions, fostering personal growth.