Aim to approach the world through the lens of agency and gratitude, viewing them as active verbs, as this is the ultimate goal for engaging in the world in the healthiest way.
Regularly examine your “two pillars and ten cupboards” (structure of self and functions of self) by generating curiosity about your unconscious mind, defense mechanisms, character structure, and what is salient within you. This self-inquiry builds empowerment and humility.
Ensure your generative drive (set of potentials and possibilities) is dominant, as its active expression through agency and gratitude leads to feelings of peacefulness, contentment, and delight.
Prioritize making yourself as healthy as possible, as this self-improvement will enable you to recognize a lack of health in others, protecting you from unhealthy relationships and naturally attracting partners who also strive for health.
Actively work to understand and make your internal “map” (self-understanding) healthy and accurate, as a lack of self-understanding makes you prone to latching onto other unhealthy maps and repeating unhelpful patterns.
Prioritize genuine self-understanding over relying on labels or diagnoses, as true insight into yourself is what bolsters agency, gratitude, and the generative drive, leading to positive change.
Use the framework of the “two pillars and ten cupboards” (structure and functions of self) to examine and improve any personal issue, as it provides a method for understanding and making things better.
Strive for maximum self-awareness, including acknowledging unknown aspects of yourself, and adopt an orientation to the world that values truth, understanding, and exploration.
Bring your best self, guided by agency and gratitude, to all relationships, actively mentalizing (thinking about what’s going on inside) the other person to ensure you do right by them and the “us” of the relationship.
When addressing relationship dynamics, start by understanding your own internal state (“Me”), then consider the other person’s state (“You”), and finally analyze the “Us” (the relationship itself) to foster understanding and strengthen the bond.
Engage in mentalization (discerning feeling and intention states in self and others) with a clear, unbiased lens, free from defense mechanisms, to gain valuable information about others and make healthy decisions.
Apply mentalization to conflicts by asking “Is it me? Is it you? Is it us?” to collaboratively figure out the issue without defensiveness, projection, or aggression, leading to healthy, agency-driven solutions.
Be aware of your own emotional triggers and limitations, especially regarding past traumas, and recognize when you’re “flying blind” due to heightened emotions, making it wise to defer important discussions until you can mentalize clearly.
Recognize that everyone experiences anxiety, but high levels narrow cognitive function and cause relationship problems; therefore, the first step is to look inward and address your own anxiety levels to foster healthier interactions.
If you experience uncomfortable levels of anxiety, engage in self-inquiry by examining your “pillars” and “cupboards” to understand its source (self, biology, psychology, environment, or others), as this understanding is key to predictable positive change.
Address differences (e.g., in sex drive) through open communication, mentalizing each other’s emotional states, and approaching the conversation with agency and gratitude, without faulting the other.
Develop healthy boundaries by first clarifying them within yourself, understanding your needs and rights, before communicating them outwardly to others.
Look for evidence of healthy give and take in relationships, understanding that while it may not always be perfectly balanced, a generosity of spirit in both giving and accepting, especially during difficult times, strengthens the bond.
Cultivate a mindset where giving to others feels better than receiving, as this reflects an abundance of goodness within oneself and fosters a more generative spirit.
Reconnect with the simple principles learned in kindergarten, such as generosity, kindness, and self-acceptance, to simplify overly complex aspects of adult relationships and foster a generative spirit.
When seeking compatibility, focus on very basic, tangible, and evident factors like fundamental life goals (e.g., desire for a family), as these are legitimate reasons to not choose one another.
Beyond concrete incompatibilities, seek compatibility based on strong generative drives in both individuals, as this indicates an ability to get along and synergize in unpredictable, beautiful ways.
Begin by acknowledging the limits of your knowledge, understanding that the interaction between two people creates something new and unpredictable, which cannot be fully known in advance.
Do not rely on superficial factors like educational background, family structure, or shared interests (e.g., liking the same music) for compatibility, as these often mislead and obscure the more important generative drive.
Cultivate a strong generative drive that ensures aggressive (assertion) and pleasure drives do not dominate, preventing fragmentation and self-centeredness in relationships, even when shared interests exist.
Cultivate an open-mindedness to your partner’s interests, even if they differ from your own, viewing them as opportunities for learning and shared experience rather than barriers to connection.
Avoid seeking sameness in relationships, as an appreciation for difference and diversity is often more beneficial and can lead to richer connections.
Maintain interconnectedness and a continuous pursuit of learning new things throughout life, as this reflects a strong generative drive and significantly increases the probability of living longer and healthier.
Avoid thoughtless actions driven by bad moods, as these project aggression, diminish your sense of self-worth, and negatively impact your relationships.
If a trauma bond is unhealthy, it’s often due to generative and pleasure drives not being in a healthy place or sufficiently gratified, rather than the shared trauma itself.
If both individuals recognize and communicate about their traumas, they can use their shared vulnerability to mutually support each other in pursuing health, enabling them to achieve things together they couldn’t alone.
Recognize that communication issues often stem from a lack of generative drive, agency, or gratitude, which prevents individuals from asking the right questions or taking proactive steps in relationships.
Be willing to step out of your comfort zone to meet a partner’s needs, especially when shame or self-consciousness might otherwise prevent open exploration and compromise.
Offer gifts or support to others without expecting anything in return, as these acts of abundance arise from and strengthen your generative drive.
Understand that a progressive loss of proactiveness, assertiveness, agency, and gratitude is a key indicator of demoralization, often resulting from abusive dynamics.
If in an oppressive relationship, actively seek external connections and support from others who can affirm your worth and show you that better alternatives exist, countering the oppressor’s goal of isolation and demoralization.
If you identify with narcissistic traits, understand that change is possible through clinical help, as this character structure is exploitative but can be improved.
If you find yourself in a pattern of repeated unhealthy relationships, understand that this is not a compulsion but a pattern you can change by examining your “structure of self” and “function of self” to understand your choices.
Actively look for non-obvious, unstated, or covert power dynamics in all relationships, as these can be as impactful as overt power imbalances and often indicate underlying issues.
If, after setting boundaries, a person reacts negatively or exhibits consistent lack of consideration, selfishness, or envy, recognize that there might be “no us” in the relationship, empowering you to prioritize self-care and self-protection.
Recognize envy as a destructive force that seeks to bring others down rather than elevate oneself, leading to unhappiness and harm.
Recognize that while transactions occur in every relationship (e.g., dividing chores), this does not mean the entire relationship is transactional; there is a greater, non-transactional aspect of human connection.
Understand that the division of labor in a family, while involving transactions, is ultimately in service of a larger, generative purpose like creating and nurturing a family, allowing for flexibility and mutual support.
Advocate for and establish reasonable and rational accountability mechanisms in all systems (work, family, community) to prevent oppression and ensure individuals are not stuck in unhealthy dynamics.
Engage in regular weekly therapy, as it is considered as important as physical exercise for improving one’s overall health. Therapy helps in gaining support, objective insights, and positively transformative perspectives.
Engage in short daily meditations to significantly improve mood, reduce anxiety, enhance focus, and boost memory.
Engage in Yoga Nidra sessions, which induce a pseudo-sleep state, to emerge feeling incredibly mentally refreshed and enhance dopamine levels by up to 60%, preparing the brain and body for mental and physical work.