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Essentials: How Humans Select & Keep Romantic Partners in the Short & Long Term | Dr. David Buss

Oct 2, 2025 36m 16 insights
In this Huberman Lab Essentials episode, my guest is Dr. David Buss, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin and a pioneer in the field of evolutionary psychology. We explore the science behind human mate selection in both short- and long-term relationships. We discuss universal traits valued in long-term partners along with key differences between women and men in what they prioritize when selecting a mate. We also discuss the darker aspects of mating behavior, such as deception, the evolutionary function of jealousy and the motivations behind stalking. Read the episode show notes at hubermanlab.com.
Actionable Insights

1. Optimize Morning Hydration

Dissolve one packet of Element in 16 to 32 ounces of water and drink it first thing in the morning to ensure adequate hydration and electrolytes, which are critical for optimal brain and body function, especially nerve cells.

2. Hydrate During Exercise

Drink Element dissolved in water during any physical exercise, particularly on hot days when sweating heavily, to replenish lost water and vital electrolytes like sodium, magnesium, and potassium.

3. Enhance Sleep Quality

Take AGZ, a sleep supplement, 30 to 60 minutes before sleep to help you fall asleep, stay asleep, and wake up feeling more refreshed, as it contains clinically supported ingredients in optimal ratios for improved sleep quality and depth.

4. Prioritize In-Person Meetings

When online dating, meet a person for a cup of coffee quickly instead of engaging in extensive texting or messaging, because humans are evolved to process crucial physical cues like olfactory and vocal qualities that cannot be assessed virtually.

5. Assess Emotional Stability Through Stress

To evaluate a potential long-term partner’s emotional stability, take a trip or vacation together in an unfamiliar environment where you must cope with new situations, as this reveals how they respond to stress, a hallmark of emotional stability.

6. Be Honest About Your Mate Value

Honestly assess your own mate value, as this self-awareness is a powerful feature for leading to happiness and stable, good partner selection over time.

7. Cultivate Universal Desirable Traits

Strive to embody universal qualities desired by both men and women in long-term mates, such as intelligence, kindness, mutual attraction and love, good health, dependability, and emotional stability.

8. Understand Women’s Long-Term Preferences

Men seeking long-term partners should focus on cultivating qualities like good earning capacity, ambition, drive, clear goals, and a positive long-term resource trajectory, as women prioritize these due to the high costs of reproduction.

9. Understand Men’s Long-Term Preferences

Women seeking long-term partners should be aware that men prioritize physical attractiveness cues associated with youth and health, such as clear skin, symmetrical features, and a low waist-to-hip ratio, as these are unconsciously linked to fertility.

10. Recognize Mate Choice Copying

Be aware that women often judge a man to be much more attractive if he is already paired with or desired by other women, which is a mate-copying heuristic that can influence perceived attractiveness.

11. Identify Dark Triad Traits

Be vigilant for ‘Dark Triad’ personality traits (narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy) in potential partners, as individuals high in these traits tend to be sexual deceivers, harassers, and coercers, especially when pursuing short-term mating strategies.

12. Seek Secure Attachment in Partners

Aim for a relationship where both partners have a secure attachment style, as this is conducive to a stable and successful long-term mateship.

13. Address Insecure Attachment Styles

Be aware of avoidant or anxious attachment styles in yourself or a partner, as these can lead to difficulties with intimacy, higher probability of infidelity, or create an overly clingy and dependent dynamic.

14. Learn About Sexual Conflict

Read ‘When Men Behave Badly’ to understand the hidden roots of sexual deception, harassment, and assault, and to gain insights into coping with conflict within relationships and the aftermath of breakups.

15. Understand Human Mating Strategies

Explore ‘The Evolution of Desire’ for a broad overview of human mating strategies, including what people want in a mate, tactics of attraction and retention, and the causes of divorce.

16. Gain Broad Evolutionary Psychology Knowledge

Read ‘Evolutionary Psychology: The New Science of the Mind’ for a comprehensive understanding of evolved human behaviors beyond mating, covering survival problems, fears, kin, family, friendships, and social hierarchies.