Commit to an ‘anti-harshness’ campaign in all interactions, insisting that feedback or communication be delivered with kindness and from a supportive stance, both from others and towards yourself.
Develop self-esteem from the inside out, recognizing your inherent worth without needing to earn it, and learn to feel proportionally bad about mistakes while still holding yourself in warm regard as an imperfect person.
Understand that you are an integral part of your relational ‘biosphere’ (family, community), and it is in your self-interest to act as its steward and contribute positively to it.
Recognize that humans are designed for intimate connection with self and others, as a lack of it is detrimental to both psychological and physical health.
View relating as a skill requiring action, feelings, and specific communication (or non-communication) to thrive in life.
Acknowledge and accept your inherent vulnerability as a human being, as denying it leads to chronic anxiety, depression, and an inability to measure up to an unrealistic standard.
Strive to be big-hearted, strong, connected, and giving, moving beyond traditional and countercultural models that often remain self-focused.
Understand that healthy self-esteem is crucial for accountability, as without it, admitting imperfections becomes too overwhelming, leading to defensiveness and an inability to take responsibility.
Instead of reacting defensively to conflict, redefine strength as the elegance to ‘duck under’ the emotional wave, ask ‘What can I do to help you?’, and diffuse potential long struggles quickly.
Instead of complaining, identify the underlying request within every complaint and directly communicate what you want, empowering your partner to meet your needs rather than demotivating them with criticism.
When delivering criticism, use the ‘Feedback Reel’ format: 1) State what happened (subjectively), 2) Share the story you told yourself about it, 3) Express what you felt, and 4) Clearly state what would make you feel better or constitute repair.
Do not expect your partner to intuitively know your needs; assertively and humbly communicate your specific wants and desires to avoid resentment.
Cultivate the capacity to ask for help from others by being in touch with your vulnerabilities, ensuring it’s a request, not a demand, and is reciprocal.
When confronted by an angry partner, ask ‘What’s going on with you?’ and ‘What can I do to help?’ to disarm the situation and address their unmet need to feel heard.
When emotionally flooded, take a break (walk, 10 breaths) to bring your prefrontal cortex back online, re-center in a thoughtful state, and remember your care for the other person before re-engaging.
Establish a pre-agreed contract with your partner for taking breaks during conflict, clearly stating the reason, duration (e.g., 15-20 minutes), and commitment to return, to prevent feelings of abandonment and maintain relational skill.
Choose to respond with integrity and skill, meeting your partner’s immaturity with your own maturity, rather than engaging in reciprocal negative behavior, which is liberating and your best shot for a positive outcome.
Invest a small amount of time (e.g., 10 seconds) for brief communication, like a quick message to a worried parent, to prevent longer, more difficult conversations and future conflict.
Experiment with sharing slightly more vulnerable information with one trusted male friend to deepen the relationship, while remaining discerning about their receptiveness and protecting yourself.
Find and belong to a group of men you trust, enjoy, and who provide honest feedback and accountability, as this is critically important for thriving.
Ensure your male friendships and groups support your relationality and personal growth, rather than fostering individual empowerment, entitlement, or negative complaining.
Form or join a men’s group (without needing a therapist leader) with a few other guys to talk about your lives, fostering connection and support.
Actively seek out older, happy individuals who are skilled in relationality to mentor you, and consciously create a ‘counterculture of relationality’ around your family and children to support their development.
Prioritize ‘hanging out’ and unstructured time with family (e.g., driving, cooking together) over forced ‘quality time,’ as genuine connection and communication often emerge organically in these moments.
Actively challenge your inner harsh critic with kindness and self-compassion, recognizing your imperfections as part of your whole self, to cultivate internal freedom and reduce self-inflicted misery.
Recognize the difference between short-lived gratification/intensity (often found online) and deeper, more fulfilling relational joy, and consciously choose to pursue the latter for lasting satisfaction.
Understand that while 12-step programs can help achieve sobriety, intimacy (connection to self and others) is the ultimate cure for addiction and essential for sustained recovery.
If struggling with apathy or lack of purpose, critically evaluate high THC cannabis use or excessive drinking, as these are highly correlated with significant problems; consider attending 12-step meetings if substances are an issue.
For young men struggling with connection, engage in shared activities like hiking in nature (e.g., Yosemite) to foster new friendships and a sense of purpose away from screens.
Understand that relational challenges are relentless, and while circumstances may make maturity difficult, behaving immaturely or unskillfully will lead to negative consequences.