Utilize the RULER approach (Recognizing, Understanding, Labeling, Expressing, and Regulating emotions) to develop emotional intelligence, which helps in various aspects of life including creativity, learning, problem-solving, and physical/mental health.
Approach emotions with curiosity and a desire to understand, rather than judging them as ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ fostering better self-awareness and relationships.
Cultivate an open mindset towards all emotions, giving yourself and others permission to feel without judgment, adopting the stance of an ’emotion scientist’ rather than an ’emotion judge.’
Provide a safe, non-judgmental space for others, especially children, to express their true, full, feeling selves, as this is crucial for their emotion regulation ability.
Increase self-awareness about emotions and other aspects of life, as greater awareness provides more choice in how you respond, moving from reactive blurting to intentional action.
Instead of repressing or denying emotions, learn to capitalize on them and use them wisely to achieve well-being, good relationships, and personal goals.
Develop the vocabulary and skill to precisely label your emotions, as ‘you’ve got to name it to tame it’ and ’label it to regulate it,’ which is crucial for effective emotional management.
Actively practice recognizing emotions by observing facial expressions, body language, vocal tone, and behavior in others, and by developing self-awareness of what’s happening in your own body and mind, being mindful of projecting your own feelings.
Move beyond basic labels to understand the psychological differences and underlying causes of emotions (e.g., anxiety from uncertainty, frustration from blocked goals, stress from demands, overwhelm from intense feelings) to better address them.
Recognize the importance of emotion regulation, understanding that impulsive expression of feelings (e.g., anger) can be damaging; instead, learn to manage emotions according to social norms and for the well-being of all involved.
Recognize that no single strategy (like yoga, mindfulness, or breathing exercises) is a complete solution for emotion regulation; instead, cultivate and practice a wide range of strategies, understanding that they are helpful but often insufficient alone.
Embrace a holistic model for emotion regulation that includes giving permission to feel all emotions, practicing breathing, engaging in yoga, prioritizing sleep and nutrition, cultivating positive self-talk, and fostering supportive connections with others.
Regularly evaluate whether your current emotion regulation strategies (including self-talk) are truly working for you by assessing their impact on your wellness, relationships, physical health, and goal achievement, and be willing to practice new ones if needed.
Practice early intervention by recognizing and managing emotions when they are at lower intensities (e.g., irritated or peeved) rather than waiting until they escalate to more extreme states like rage, as prevention is easier than intervention.
When experiencing anxiety, use strategies like the ‘hot air balloon’ (perspective-taking) to assess what you can control, then channel that emotional energy into productive actions or problem-solving rather than rumination.
Employ the ‘hot air balloon’ strategy by mentally (or on paper) rising above your current situation to gain perspective, asking yourself how much control you have over your worries, and redirecting focus from uncontrollable rumination to actionable areas.
Instead of just venting, engage in reappraisal or perspective-taking by pausing, reflecting, and looking at situations from another lens, which helps in managing feelings and finding solutions.
Recognize that excessive complaining and venting, while feeling like ‘getting it off your chest,’ can be unhelpful as it rehearses negative experiences and does not lead to resolution.
Model healthy emotional processing for children by openly sharing your own struggles, reflections, and problem-solving strategies regarding negative emotions, demonstrating that it’s normal to experience and work through feelings.
As a parent, demonstrate experiencing the full range of emotions (not just positive ones) and share examples of what makes you feel various ways, alongside the strategies you use to manage those feelings, without making children feel responsible for your emotional state.
Instead of asking ‘What’s wrong?’ or putting a value judgment on feelings, ask open-ended questions like ‘Tell me more about what happened?’ or ‘What made you feel that way?’ to encourage deeper sharing and understanding.
When others share feelings, help them label them precisely by asking clarifying questions and distinguishing between similar emotions (e.g., disappointment vs. anger), connecting the feeling to the underlying experience.
Build strong, authentic relationships where you can be open about your true feelings, moving beyond superficial responses like ‘fine’ to share a nuanced range of emotions.
Provide a relationship space where others feel they have ‘permission to feel’ and can be their true, feeling selves without fear of projection or judgment, fostering curiosity and compassion.
Cultivate the ability to be a loving, caring, and calming presence for others, as their mere presence can help people feel at ease and contribute to their emotional regulation.
Actively strive to ‘pay it forward’ by being a compassionate, non-judgmental, accepting, and loving presence for others, providing them the space and permission to feel, just as a significant figure might have done for you.
Cultivate the ability to acknowledge when you’ve ‘messed up’ and apologize, and practice forgiveness, as holding grudges can make you feel heavier, while forgiveness can make you feel lighter.
Actively practice letting go of grudges and forgiving, as research suggests it can make you feel literally and spiritually lighter, improving well-being.
Adopt an attitude of continuous improvement for emotional development, giving yourself permission to feel all emotions, being a compassionate emotion scientist for yourself and others, to foster a great life.
Encourage journaling as a proactive strategy for children and adults to process and regulate emotions, allowing them to write down their feelings and see what comes out.
Strive to use granular and specific language to describe emotions (e.g., peeved vs. enraged, contentment vs. ecstasy) to increase self-awareness and better understand the intensity and nature of feelings.
Be highly mindful of the language used when speaking to children, as the messages they receive about their bodies, appearance, and worth significantly impact their emotion regulation abilities and can lead to negative self-talk.
Actively work to shift from negative self-talk and self-criticism to self-compassion, recognizing that early life messages can metastasize into ingrained patterns that require conscious effort to reframe.
Beyond immediate regulation techniques, address the root causes of emotions, such as building self-esteem or learning to negotiate power structures, especially when dealing with complex issues like bullying, as a holistic approach to emotional well-being.
Understand that personal emotions significantly influence judgments and decision-making, often outside of conscious awareness, making emotional self-awareness important for fair evaluations.
Pay attention to facial expressions, body language, and vocal tone in yourself and others, as these internal feelings drive approach or avoidance behaviors and impact relationship quality.
Be super mindful of personal biases (e.g., prejudice, racism, or limited exposure to diverse groups) that can lead to misreading or over-identifying negative emotions in others’ facial expressions.
Develop the skill of knowing how and when to appropriately express emotions across different contexts, understanding that not all emotions should be expressed to everyone at all times.
Actively challenge cultural norms (e.g., ‘boys don’t cry’) that discourage the expression of emotions, recognizing that the ability to express feelings is a fundamental human right crucial for well-being.
Approach interactions and emotional understanding with a ’learner mode’ mindset, being curious and open to new perspectives, rather than a ‘knower mode’ that assumes you already understand everything.
Be an ’emotion scientist’ and avoid immediately judging others’ emotional expressions or behaviors based on your own cultural norms; instead, be curious and seek to understand their perspective.
Be aware of the ‘over the net’ concept, recognizing that you only know your own intention and the general observation, but not the third perspective (the other person’s internal experience), so avoid pretending you know their feelings or motivations.
Go beyond basic empathy by adopting a curious ’emotion scientist’ mindset, actively seeking to understand others’ diverse experiences and backgrounds, which enriches life and reduces misunderstandings.
It’s acceptable to ‘wear masks’ or adjust emotional expression in certain situations, but always do so with a clear understanding of your true internal feelings, making a conscious choice rather than acting without self-awareness.
While having permission to feel all emotions, exercise judgment in how and when to express them, as not every emotion should be shared with every person at every moment.
When someone is struggling, avoid being overly prescriptive or insistent on immediate labeling; instead, allow them space to express their emotions naturally, recognizing that sometimes they just need to feel without being prompted for specific words.
At the end of each day, reflect on whether you allowed yourself and others to feel emotions without judgment, or if you automatically acted as an ’emotion judge,’ striving to be an ’emotion scientist.’
Actively assess and cultivate a policy of openness and inclusiveness around talking about feelings in your home and workplace, ensuring everyone feels comfortable and has equal permission to express their emotions without judgment.
Recognize that feelings like anxiety, overwhelm, or fear put the brain in fight, flight, or freeze mode, hindering attention, memory, and learning, so addressing these emotions is crucial for effective learning.
Do not resort to avoidance tactics like sending children away when they express strong emotions, as this prevents them from learning to label and understand their feelings, and can lead to long-term emotional difficulties.
Reframe anger from an ‘out of control’ emotion to a potentially productive one that can be channeled to fight against injustice or help others, shifting your mindset about its utility.
Use the Mood Meter app or chart to help articulate and understand emotions, leveraging its color-coded system (red/blue for low pleasantness, yellow/green for high pleasantness) to get granular and specific about feelings.
Enroll in the free 10-hour Coursera course ‘Managing Emotions During Uncertain and Stressful Times’ to learn evidence-based strategies for emotion management.
Visit markbrackett.com to learn more about his book, work in schools, and the RULER-based training program for adults and the corporate sector called OGLifeLab.
Join Mark Brackett’s virtual book club for live, five-week sessions that guide participants through each chapter of his book, offering opportunities to ask questions and engage directly.