Prioritize understanding your own behavioral patterns and the ‘critical voice’ within you, as this self-awareness is fundamental to improving your parenting and overall relationships.
When you experience a ‘charged emotion’ or strong irritation, stop and trace its pattern back to its origins in your past, rather than assuming it’s solely about the current scenario. This helps understand why you react a certain way.
When you realize you’ve misunderstood, misattuned, or wrongly shouted at your child (or anyone), apologize and take responsibility by saying, ‘I shouldn’t have done that. It was my fault. It’s not you, it’s me.’ This repairs the connection and builds resilience.
For close connections, be authentic with your children by describing your own feelings and wants (e.g., ‘I’m cold, I’m bored, so we’re leaving in five minutes’) rather than defining or blaming them (‘You are not old enough’). This teaches emotional intelligence and fosters trust.
Instead of arguing with the content of a child’s complaint (e.g., ‘We never go out’), listen for the underlying feeling and respond to that (e.g., ‘You sound bored and fed up’). Children often want to be seen and heard, not fixed.
Allow your children to influence and impact upon you, just as you expect to influence them. This models mutual respect and makes them more receptive to your guidance.
Invest time in building positive relationships with your children early on, for example, by playing with them when they seek it. This proactive investment will save more time and effort in addressing negative behaviors later.
Do not leave children alone to cry it out or sleep train them, as this can create unmet needs and lead to toxic stress, with cortisol levels remaining high even after crying stops. Instead, use ‘sleep nudging’ to gently encourage separation at their pace within their comfort zone.
When with your child, keep your phone in your pocket and prioritize their bids for attention over checking emails or social media. This prevents the child from feeling less important than the phone and seeking connection through screens.
Integrate daily downtime into your routine, free from constant stimulation like phones or work. This period of reflection is crucial for processing emotions, understanding triggers, and fostering creativity in both adults and children.
Resist the urge to immediately fix problems for children (e.g., shoelaces, finding the nipple). Allow them to struggle a bit and solve their own problems, as this fosters competence and resilience.
Establish clear boundaries with children before you reach your own limits (e.g., planning an earlier bedtime to ensure your own relaxation time). Communicate these boundaries honestly using ‘I statements’ about your needs.
When problems arise (e.g., a messy room), initiate an open dialogue with your child, framing it as ‘I have a problem’ and inviting them to brainstorm solutions together. This fosters collaboration rather than just issuing commands.
View all behavior, especially ‘inconvenient’ behavior, as a form of communication from your child. Seek to understand the underlying meaning and verbalize it for them, which can lead to more constructive expression.
Refrain from labeling yourself or your children’s behavior as ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ These terms are unhelpful and can lead to defensiveness or a focus on external validation rather than understanding underlying needs.
Avoid lying to children or falsely blaming them, as this interferes with their instincts and can dull their intelligence. Maintain authenticity to foster a strong connection.
Cultivate satisfactory experiences of contact and connection through playing with other people and talking, so children don’t develop an urgent, addictive need for screens. Screens replace valuable activities like drawing, reading, and daydreaming.
Avoid excessively propping up babies in chairs or seats; instead, allow them ample time on the floor to naturally experiment with pushing themselves up and over, which is crucial for physical development like crawling.
Avoid blaming yourself or feeling guilty for past parenting mistakes, especially those influenced by cultural pressures. Self-punishment is unhelpful; instead, focus on understanding and making positive changes moving forward.
Recognize that parents also need to be seen, understood, helped, loved, and contained. Seeking this support for yourself enables you to better provide the same for your children.