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Top 5 Regrets Of The Dying: Life Lessons Everybody Learns Too Late with Bronnie Ware #383

Sep 12, 2023 1h 46m 28 insights
What do you think you might be saying on your deathbed? Will you be looking back at your life with a sense of joy and completeness, or, do you think that you might be consumed with regret? As this week’s guest shares, “It’s easy to assume that you will live with great health to a ripe old age, then die peacefully in your sleep wearing your favourite pyjamas but it doesn’t work out that way for most people…” Bronnie Ware is an internationally acclaimed speaker and author of the bestselling memoir, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. Published more than 10 years ago, it’s been translated into 32 languages and continues to attract new audiences. The book is about her eight years as an end-of-life carer, the close relationships she formed, and lessons she learned from those dying people, which changed her life forever. We discuss some of the various regrets of the dying and what they can teach us so that we can live better lives, right now. We talk about the concept of choice. Everything we do, or don’t do, has a price – be it time or money. Our culture incentivises what we can measure – salaries, possessions, status, social media ‘likes’ and comments. But Bronnie urges us to realise the sacredness and value of our time. Is a choice worth making if it means you have to sacrifice time with your loved ones? Is it worth pushing extra hard for the promotion that may bring you more money but also more stress and more time away from home? These are decisions that I think we all need to wrestle with from time to time if we are truly going to be living a contented and intentional life. We also talk about the real meaning of regret, what it means to be courageous, and how self-compassion can help us see our mistakes as a natural part of life and growth. Bronnie also defines the qualities and habits she observed in those patients who reached the end of life with no regrets – what can we learn from these people? Death can be a topic that many people shy away from discussing but Bronnie is a wonderful soul who is able to talk about death in a relatable, powerful and authentic way. Appreciating we are going to die is the first step to getting more out of life.   This really was a thought-provoking and intimate conversation. I hope you enjoy listening. Support the podcast and enjoy Ad-Free episodes. Try FREE for 7 days on Apple Podcasts https://apple.co/feelbetterlivemore. For other podcast platforms go to https://fblm.supercast.com. Show notes https://drchatterjee.com/383
Actionable Insights

1. Live True to Yourself

Prioritize your authentic desires and values over external expectations to avoid deep regret at the end of life, as this foundational choice influences other life areas.

2. Acknowledge Your Mortality

Embrace the reality of your own death as the fundamental first step to truly living, appreciating life more fully, and gaining courage for your choices.

3. Grant Yourself Happiness Permission

Give yourself explicit permission to pursue happiness, recognizing that you deserve it and that this internal validation is crucial for a contented life.

4. Cultivate Intentional Space

Regularly schedule “unplanned time” with no agenda, treating this space as essential “medicine” for improved efficiency, clarity, and overall well-being.

5. Prioritize Impact Over Ego

When making decisions or reacting to situations (e.g., uncredited work), prioritize the broader impact of your actions over ego-driven needs for validation or credit.

6. Evaluate Every Choice’s Price

Before making decisions, consciously consider the “price” of each choice, focusing not just on financial costs but also on the invaluable time and energy it will demand from you.

7. Cultivate Regret-Free Qualities

Develop strong family communication, cultivate a sense of humor to laugh at mistakes and not take life too seriously, and foster a belief in something greater than yourself (spiritual or religious faith) to live a life with fewer regrets.

8. Re-evaluate Life Continuously

Cultivate the crucial skill of regularly re-evaluating your choices, behaviors, and priorities, recognizing that what works at one stage of life may not work at another.

9. Challenge Future Time Assumption

Actively challenge the common assumption that you will always have ample time in the future to reflect and make significant life changes, as life is unpredictable.

10. Resist Burnout Culture

Consciously choose to opt out of societal or industry norms (e.g., continuous content creation) that you perceive as leading directly to burnout, prioritizing your well-being and desired lifestyle instead.

11. Avoid Work as Sole Identity

Ensure your identity and life satisfaction are not solely tied to your work, cultivating other passions and relationships so you have meaning and purpose beyond your profession.

12. Commit to Small Time-Offs

Start by taking even a few hours off work each week or fortnight to honor a personal craving (e.g., family time, hobby), as this commitment can lead to life supporting you with more space and a better life.

13. Adapt Perception to Change

When faced with unchangeable difficult life situations, focus on adapting your own perception and internal responses to find acceptance and peace.

14. Nurture Key Relationships

Invest in and nurture your significant relationships (e.g., with spouse, children) as these connections contribute significantly to your happiness and peaceful presence in the world.

15. Embrace Humility in Work

Adopt a humble perspective on your work, acknowledging that you are a messenger influenced by many sources, which can reduce ego-driven frustration when your work is shared without credit.

16. Seek Exposure to Death

Seek direct exposure to death (e.g., through palliative care volunteering, or being present with dying loved ones) to gain a profound understanding of life’s impermanence, which can help you let go of “empty achieving” and prioritize what’s truly important.

17. Foster Intergenerational Connections

Actively cultivate intergenerational connections, whether with family, neighbors, or community, to gain a richer, more holistic perspective on life’s different stages and experiences.

18. Honor Personal Limits

Learn to live gently and honor your personal limits (e.g., prioritizing sleep, avoiding overloaded days) not as an excuse for laziness, but as a strategy to show up well and perform optimally.

19. Cultivate Daily Gratitude

Actively seek and find gratitude in your current life circumstances, as cultivating this mindset is a foundational step towards living a life free of regret.

20. Continue Loving Those with Decline

Maintain communication and expressions of love to family members with cognitive decline (e.g., Alzheimer’s), as moments of clarity or the feeling of love can still be received, even if they cannot articulate a reply.

21. Re-evaluate Unsustainable Jobs

If your job demands unsustainable hours (e.g., 60+ hours/week) to the point of threatening your employment if you reduce them, consider if you are in the wrong job and seek alternatives that allow for a healthier life.

22. Take Social Media Breaks

If you feel overwhelmed by the “micro busyness of the tech world,” take intentional, extended breaks from social media and digital platforms to realign with your values and well-being.

23. Allow Gaps Between Projects

After completing a project, intentionally create a gap before starting the next, trusting that it’s okay not to have immediate plans and that you will survive and find your next direction.

24. Trust Your Message’s Reach

Cultivate trust that your message or work will find its intended audience, reducing the need for constant vigilance over attribution and allowing you to focus on creation.

25. Be Open to Life’s Messages

Cultivate readiness to receive messages about necessary life changes, as sometimes a message needs to be articulated in a specific way or at the right time to truly resonate and prompt action.

26. Question Cultural Happiness Incentives

Be aware that societal metrics of success (e.g., followers, possessions) often do not correlate with genuine happiness, and question if you are pursuing culturally incentivized goals that don’t truly serve you.

27. Use Regrets for Reflection

Regularly reflect on the top five regrets of the dying to identify areas in your own life where you might be heading towards similar regrets, prompting proactive change.

28. Control Others’ Opinions

Recognize that external opinions only hold power if you grant it, as your self-judgment at life’s end is what truly matters.