Recognize that your ‘Self’ (characterized by qualities like calm, compassion, confidence) is always present, even if obscured by discouraged or hopeless parts. By gently convincing these parts to create space, you can access and bring more of your Self-energy into your inner and outer life, leading to transformation when you stop fighting protectors and engage with exiles.
Welcome all parts of yourself, even those you dislike or find destructive, because the central philosophy of IFS is that all parts are inherently good, though they may be forced into extreme roles by adversity.
Do not aim to get rid of different ‘parts’ within your mind (e.g., inner critic, destructive streak). Instead, focus on helping these parts transform from their extreme roles into their naturally valuable states.
When experiencing symptoms (physical or mental), instead of trying to get rid of them, focus on the symptom itself and get curious about it. This approach helps to listen to the ‘message’ the symptom is conveying, which can prevent worsening symptoms or over-medication.
When facing a diagnosis (medical or psychological), view symptoms as ‘red lights’ on a dashboard rather than problems to be eliminated directly. Instead of just treating the symptom, ’lift the hood’ to understand the underlying cause by focusing on the symptom itself and getting curious about its message.
Adopt IFS as a daily life practice: when triggered, get curious about the thought or emotion (the ’trailhead’), stay with it to identify the part it’s coming from, and approach it with curiosity and compassion to understand its purpose.
Recognize that feeling delicate, perceiving the world as dangerous, or experiencing overwhelming emotional ‘flames’ (e.g., intense pain, terror, shame) often indicates the presence of many ’exiled’ vulnerable parts that are easily triggered. Understanding this can be the first step to addressing these parts.
Befriend and make peace with your inner parts, understanding that ’no bad parts’ exist and they all serve a protective role. This process can lead to fundamental shifts in perceived personality traits (e.g., addictive personality), fostering self-compassion and reducing shame.
Engage in IFS to achieve four goals: liberate parts from stuck roles, restore their trust in your ‘Self’ as a leader, foster harmonious relationships among your inner parts, and become more ‘Self-led’ in the outside world, which includes acting on a clear vision for your life and addressing injustice with compassion.
Engage in inner work (like IFS) to ‘rewrite the story’ of past experiences. Your brain can absorb this new narrative, leading to a fundamental shift in how you experience the world and interact with others.
To address past trauma, go into the inner world of the trauma, retrieve the part of yourself stuck there, and bring it to a safe place. This process can literally change the past for that inner part, even if the external facts remain the same.
Identify inner ‘parts’ that are stuck in past traumas or experiences (e.g., thinking you’re still five years old). By acknowledging where they are stuck and metaphorically ‘getting them out of there,’ you can help them transform into their naturally valuable states.
To identify a ‘protector’ part, visualize a triggering person in a contained room, with you observing through a window. Imagine them doing or saying the triggering thing, and then notice the physical and mental sensations that arise as your protector part activates. This exercise helps to physically distinguish between a protector and your ‘Self.’
After identifying a protector, shift your inner focus to simply observing the triggering person through the window, allowing yourself to see them ‘being themselves’ with their natural qualities. This shift can cause the protector to relax, allowing you to access a more ‘Self-led’ state characterized by calmness, open-heartedness, and a different physical sensation.
If you feel frustration towards a ‘protector’ part, ask the frustrated part to step aside and give space. Once it does, revisit the original protector with a more open and compassionate perspective, acknowledging its protective intent and expressing gratitude for its efforts. This can lead to the protector feeling relieved and willing to relax its extreme role.
Ask a protector part how old it perceives you to be. If it sees you as younger (e.g., five years old), inform it that you are now older and capable of handling situations, assuring it that it no longer needs to carry the burden of protection in the same way. This can bring relief to the protector.
Once a protector part has relaxed, ask it if it is protecting a more vulnerable part. If it is, seek its permission to approach and heal that vulnerable ’exiled’ part.
Before proceeding to heal a vulnerable part, check for any other parts that might be afraid or resistant to the process (e.g., parts concerned about vulnerability or external judgment). Ask these parts to trust and step back to allow the healing to proceed.
When connecting with a vulnerable inner child part, locate it in your body, approach it with love and compassion, and communicate your love to it. Notice how your body responds (e.g., deeper breathing) and how the inner child reacts (e.g., smiling).
Ask the vulnerable inner child what it wants you to know about itself, particularly its core needs (e.g., to be loved unconditionally). Acknowledge and affirm these needs, repeating your love and understanding, which helps build trust.
Ask the inner child about its past experiences and what happened to it (e.g., feeling unloved unless it performed certain actions). Listen with deep compassion, acknowledge its pain, and offer comfort (e.g., cuddling) to help it feel understood and supported.
Go back to the specific past moment where the inner child is stuck. Be present with it in the way it needed someone at that time, radiating warmth, love, and reassurance that it is loved unconditionally and doesn’t need to change. This presence helps the inner child feel safe and begin to heal.
When engaging with an inner child part stuck in the past, ask what it needs you to do for it in that past scenario, such as protecting it from harm. Fulfilling this need within your inner world can literally change the past experience for that inner child.
Ask the inner child if it needs you to do anything for it in the past scenario, such as speaking to or dealing with others who didn’t understand it. Act on its behalf in a compassionate and non-confrontational way, allowing the inner child to witness your support.
Once the inner child feels supported in the past, ask if it’s ready to leave that time and place. Offer to bring it to the present or to a chosen fantasy place where it can feel safe and have fun.
Assure the inner child that you will now take care of it. Then, ask if it’s ready to ‘unload’ the painful feelings and beliefs it carries from the past. Guide it to identify where these burdens are held in its body and choose a symbolic element (e.g., fire, water) to release them until they are gone.
After an inner child has unloaded its burdens, ask how it feels (e.g., lighter, freer). Then, invite it to fill itself with desired positive qualities. Observe its newfound sense of well-being and playfulness.
After healing the inner child, invite the former protector part to observe the healed inner child. The protector will likely feel satisfied and relieved that its protective role is no longer necessary, fostering a new, harmonious relationship between the parts.
By consistently engaging with your inner parts with curiosity and compassion, they will learn to trust you as their leader (your ‘Self’). This trust enables them to separate quickly and allow healing.
To make IFS work ‘stick,’ engage in daily follow-up practice for about a month. This involves regularly checking in with healed inner parts (e.g., the five-year-old in the woods) to reassure them you remember and won’t abandon them, and reminding former protectors that they can relax and trust you. This ongoing ‘meditation’ helps maintain the gains.
Be aware that going deep quickly with inner work can sometimes lead to ‘backlash’ from parts that were scared of vulnerability. If this happens, recognize it as a scared part needing more attention and reassurance before attempting to go deep again.
During conflicts with a partner, if you notice a ‘protective part’ taking over (e.g., negative thoughts, harsh words), call a timeout and separate. Perform a ‘u-turn’ by focusing inward to identify the part that was speaking and what it’s protecting. Return to the conversation only when you can speak from ‘Self’ (calm, compassionate state) and express what your parts were feeling without blaming.
If you are in the midst of a conflict where a protective part has taken over, physically separate from your partner to create space for introspection.
If a trusted person points out that you are operating from a ‘protector’ part during a conflict, be open to listening and separating, even if you initially resist. This can help you gain self-awareness and acknowledge when a part has taken over.
Heal your own ’exiled’ parts so they learn to trust you (your ‘Self’) as their primary caretaker, rather than seeking primary caretaking from your partner. This frees your partner from an impossible task, transforming relationship dynamics and reducing conflict.
By engaging in self-transformation (e.g., through IFS), you naturally and automatically improve your parenting style, avoiding the unconscious imprinting of your own adaptations and burdens onto your children.
Introduce IFS concepts to children using play therapy techniques (e.g., drawing parts, puppets), as they intuitively grasp the idea of inner parts and can learn to heal themselves and be good ‘inner parents’ to their own exiles.
Instead of using willpower to stop addictive behaviors, address the underlying vulnerable parts that the addiction is protecting. Healing these parts often leads to the addictive behavior naturally falling away as it’s no longer needed.
Avoid directly commanding an ‘addict part’ to stop its behavior, as this can lead to resistance and fear of overwhelming emotions. Instead, approach it with curiosity to understand what it’s protecting.
Listen to your body’s signals, especially when it manifests physical symptoms. These symptoms may be a message from a part telling you to stop over-caretaking others and prioritize self-care, as ignoring it can lead to more severe physical consequences.
Instead of relying on willpower and an ‘inner drill instructor’ for activities like exercise, heal the parts that resist or feel pressured. This allows the drill instructor to relax, enabling you to engage in activities for joy and negotiate with all your inner parts to find a balanced, self-led approach.
When communicating a diagnosis, frame it as a temporary state (‘at the moment’) and emphasize that the goal is to understand and address the underlying causes, implying that the diagnosis is not a permanent identity and can potentially be removed.