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The Secret to Solving the Stress Cycle with Drs Emily and Amelia Nagoski #60

May 1, 2019 1h 9m 16 insights
How do you experience stress? Women and men generally experience stress in very different ways and women are much more likely to feel overwhelmed and exhausted than men. But why is this? Guests on this week’s episode, Drs Emily and Amelia Nagoski believe that the reason lies in the fact that what’s expected of women and what it’s really like to be a woman in today’s world are two very different things—and women exhaust themselves trying to close the gap between them.  They explain the importance of separating the stress from the stressor. Stressors are the external forces that are giving you stress. Stress is an experience that happens in your body – it’s a physiological cycle that has a beginning, a middle and an end. And you can complete the stress response cycle even without fixing the problem and getting rid of the stressor. They explain the various ways in which we can do this – from laughing and crying to having a warm embrace with a loved one. We also discuss the importance of human touch and how imagination is a surprisingly powerful way of completing the stress response cycle.  Emily and Amelia share their own personal journeys and share some brilliant tips, that are simpler, easier and quicker than you may think. This is a really passionate and inspiring conversation – I hope you enjoy it! Show notes available at drchatterjee.com/60 Follow me on instagram.com/drchatterjee/ Follow me on facebook.com/DrChatterjee/ Follow me on twitter.com/drchatterjeeuk
Actionable Insights

1. Separate Stress from Stressors

Understand that stressors are external forces causing stress, while stress is a physiological cycle in your body. You can complete the stress response cycle even without fixing the external problem or getting rid of the stressor.

2. Complete Stress Response Cycle

Engage in physiological activities that signal to your body that you have escaped the stressor, such as physical activity, affection, creative expression, laughter, crying, or sleep, to process and release accumulated stress.

3. Compassion for Inner Critic

Instead of using positive affirmations, turn towards your inner critic (the ‘mad woman in the attic’) with kindness and compassion. Thank her for trying to protect you and listen to her fears to calm her, acknowledging that this psychological construct was generated to bridge the gap between who you are and who the world expects you to be.

4. Daily Physical Activity

Engage in physical activity, such as running, jumping, dancing, or tightening/flopping muscles, for about half an hour pretty much every day. This efficiently communicates to your body that you have escaped a stressor, making your body feel safe.

5. Give a 20-Second Hug

Embrace someone you love and trust for 20 seconds, allowing your bodies to connect. This physical connection lowers heart rate and blood pressure, signaling safety and helping to complete the stress response cycle.

6. Utilize Creative Self-Expression

Engage in creative activities like music, writing, sculpture, or theater to express big feelings. This provides a cultural loophole to put frustration, rage, and fear outside your body, preventing it from making you sick.

7. Leverage Imagination for Release

Use your imagination to complete the stress response cycle by visualizing a fantasy where you overcome or escape a stressor. Your brain’s neural activity mirrors real-life action during imagination, making the imagined experience satisfying and freeing.

8. Prioritize Sleep & Rest

Aim for at least seven hours of sleep nightly (with 8 hours being a general ideal, and individual needs varying) and allocate 42% of your day (10 hours) to rest. Sleep is crucial for completing the stress response cycle, repairing the body, and integrating memories.

9. Actively Listen to Music

Mindfully listen to music, feeling the drum beat and vocals without distractions like social media, for 5-10 minutes. This active engagement allows you to immerse yourself and process emotions, even if you are not creating music yourself.

10. Manage Giver-Taker Relationships

Consciously choose to give more energy and resources to ‘fellow givers’ who reciprocate, and selectively give less to ’takers’ who feel entitled. This strategic allocation of your emotional resources can massively increase your energy for life.

11. Set Boundaries with Takers

When dealing with demanding individuals you cannot avoid, set psychological barriers by noticing what it feels like to give to them. Smile and nod without evoking conflict, but consciously choose to give less of yourself to protect your energy.

12. Counter Social Media Perfection

Share authentic, ‘rough and dirty’ aspects of your life on social media rather than only polished, perfect images. This challenges unrealistic demands and reduces the toxic pressure of appearing flawless, helping you move through the world with less friction.

13. Nurture Loved Ones Daily

Spend time paying attention to the people you love pretty much every day. This fosters connection and support, which are vital for human well-being as we are partially a hive species.

14. Eat Daily Greens

Incorporate dark green leafy vegetables into your diet pretty much every day. This acts as an insurance policy to meet your nutritional needs.

15. Find Your Stress Solution

Recognize that there is no single script for completing the stress cycle, as people vary. Experiment with different methods like mindfulness, crying, deep breathing, or those mentioned, to find what works best for you in your current life context.

16. Embrace Collective Care

Shift from a mindset of individual self-care to one where ‘all of us caring for each other’ is the cure for burnout. This fosters a system where everyone is supported and held in the presence of each other’s compassion.