In difficult conversations, focus on controlling yourself rather than attempting to control the other person, as this is where true success in communication lies.
Recognize that your communication reflects the state of your nervous system; practice self-awareness and control over your internal state to improve how you communicate.
Shift from reaction to reflection in difficult conversations by making your first word your breath, allowing time to control the moment and influence the outcome.
Practice the ‘conversational breath’ (three seconds inhale through nose, two more at the top, then all out through nose) to calm yourself and respond intentionally, especially when agitated.
Before reacting, perform a ‘quick scan’ by asking yourself ‘What am I feeling in this moment?’ and then communicate it using the ‘I can tell’ framework (e.g., ‘I can tell I’m getting defensive’) to claim and control your emotions.
When feeling overwhelmed or unready for a conversation, state your emotional state using ‘I can tell’ (e.g., ‘I can tell I’m not ready for this’) and suggest a better time, rather than reacting negatively.
In communication, look beyond surface-level symptoms (e.g., yelling, excessive politeness) to address the underlying causes, such as fears, insecurities, or past events, which are often the real issues.
Approach conversations with a mindset of having something to learn rather than something to prove, fostering deeper understanding and connection.
Lower your conversational bar by prioritizing understanding where others are coming from, asking more questions than making statements, and showing appreciation and acknowledgment.
Aim to connect in conversations by ensuring both understanding and acknowledgment, meaning you say what you mean and mean what you say, and actively engage with the other person’s perspective.
Recognize that the words you choose determine the life you lead; make a conscious decision to have new conversations with yourself and others to change your life.
Understand that you can change any relationship at any moment by altering the way you communicate within it.
To improve relationships, focus on changing just the next conversation, rather than worrying about future ones.
Cultivate a calm and controlled demeanor in your voice, as those who sound in control are more likely to be listened to and perceived as reasonable leaders.
Employ silence as a strategic tool to gain power, choose your responses, and convey messages without words, whether holding space for someone or disengaging from hurtful comments.
Recognize that you don’t have to engage in every argument you’re invited to, especially online, to preserve your mental well-being and focus on what’s important in your life.
Do not set out to win an argument, as this lowers the quality and connection of the relationship.
Avoid trying to ‘win’ arguments, as this approach will erode the quality and connection of your relationships over time.
Instead of trying to win an argument, focus on identifying and skillfully loosening the ‘knots’ or points of tension in the conversation to foster resolution.
In conflicts, aim to be the first to apologize, especially if you’ve said something hurtful, to de-escalate and preserve the relationship.
Allow time to pass before responding to intense conversations or emails, as this helps sift out priorities and prevents reactive, unnecessary responses.
If a conversation is difficult, propose postponing it by explaining that it will lead to a better outcome, as people are generally receptive to delaying for improved results.
Postpone important conversations when you or the other person are in ’low battery modes’ (tired, hungry, stressed) to avoid negative consequences and ensure a better outcome.
Develop self-awareness and emotional regulation to make it easier to disengage from unnecessary arguments and maintain your peace.
Understand that taking offense is a choice, as nothing is inherently offensive; choose to view differing perspectives as simply different, rather than personally attacking.
Approach interactions with compassion, remembering that you don’t know the full context of what another person is experiencing or what influences their behavior.
Understand that ego, fear, and unspoken emotion are often the underlying causes of arguments, not just the surface issue.
Understand that fear, more than ego, often drives poor communication, leading to fight or flight responses in conversations.
When facing problems or complaints, ask ‘So what?’ repeatedly to uncover the underlying reasons, end goals, or deeper fears and insecurities driving the issue.
When disagreeing, start by affirming the other person’s right to their opinion (e.g., ‘You’re free to disagree with me’) to create a safe space for listening and smooth out the conversation.
Understand that you can have an opinion without needing to share it publicly, especially on every topic, to avoid unnecessary conflict.
Adopt the rule of only responding to comments or messages when you are feeling calm, as reacting when agitated rarely leads to a positive outcome.
To change someone’s mind, be prepared for multiple, long-term conversations focused on asking questions and understanding the underlying causes and origins of their beliefs, rather than directly fighting their opinion.
Lower the bar for conversational outcomes by not expecting others to admit you’re right or that they’re wrong, as this rarely happens and hinders progress.
Counter the default tendency to make everything about yourself by consciously shifting your perspective to consider the ‘us’ in a conversation, reducing personal offense.
If you encounter dissonance or friction in text or email communication, switch to a phone call to hear their voice, as text cannot convey emotional nuance and often leads to misinterpretation.
In electronic communication, if you’re taking something personally or assuming intent, respond with ‘Did you mean…?’ to give the other person the benefit of the doubt and allow for clarification and context.
Limit electronic communication to concise messages, ideally no more than three sentences, to ensure clarity and avoid miscommunication.
Communicate directly and openly, not as a lack of empathy, but as a sign of self-assurance and respect for both yourself and the other person’s needs.
Value clarity as a form of kindness in communication, as beating around the bush, even if polite, can lead to anxiety, resentment, and miscommunication.
Reflect on how communication was modeled for you in your upbringing to understand the origins of your current communication patterns and feelings.
Be mindful not to weaponize silence by using it punitively or for control (e.g., stonewalling or ghosting), as this can be aggressive and detrimental to relationships.
Be mindful of using unnecessary apologies (e.g., ‘sorry to bother you,’ ‘sorry I’m late’) when no actual mistake was made, as this can undervalue your words and be disingenuous.
Replace hesitant or self-deprecating phrases (e.g., ‘hate to bother you,’ ‘dumb question’) with language that builds and adds momentum (e.g., ‘I’d like to add to this,’ ‘I’d like to start a conversation’).
Eliminate unnecessary words and adverbs to make your communication concise and direct, serving your words ’neat’ for greater clarity and impact.
Aim to express your thoughts in three sentences or less in written communication; if it’s longer, rework it for conciseness, as lengthy writing can be lazy and unclear.
When responding late, replace apologies like ‘So sorry I’m just now getting back to you’ with expressions of gratitude such as ‘Thank you for your patience’ or ‘Thank you for the chance to reply,’ to sound more intentional and avoid disingenuousness.
Consciously work to remove unnecessary words and phrases, aiming for succinct and concise communication to enhance clarity and impact.
Instead of asking ‘Does that make sense?’, which can imply a lack of intelligence, ask ‘What are your thoughts?’ or ‘Do you have any questions?’ to genuinely invite engagement and input.
Recognize that communication is a skill for continuous improvement; avoid comparing yourself to others and focus on your ongoing journey to improve your life through better communication.
When disagreeing, instead of saying ‘I disagree,’ use phrases like ‘I see things differently’ or ‘I look at it a different way’ to convey perspective without causing defensiveness.
Be disciplined about how you communicate by intentionally reflecting on your communication style and choices, and question why you might be rushing in conversations.
Cultivate positive internal communication and challenge negative self-talk, as the way you talk to yourself significantly impacts your mental health and overall well-being.
Remember that the person you’re talking to may be influenced by unseen struggles or external factors, which can impact how they communicate and how you should respond.
Avoid assuming that what you said was received exactly as intended, as miscommunication often arises when the listener hears or feels something different.
Do not approach disagreements as a competition to win or dominate, as this mindset quickly leads to bad conversations.