Accept that narcissistic patterns, behaviors, and dynamics are not going to change, not ever, and certainly not on your watch, to begin the healing process in earnest.
Give the bare minimum psychological bandwidth to the narcissistic relationship and redirect the rest to building mutual, healthy, empathic, respectful, and compassionate relationships to create soft places to land.
Allow yourself to acknowledge and give voice to your authentic self, separate from the narcissistic relationship, by exploring your interests, values, and who you are.
Understand that external boundaries don’t work in narcissistic relationships; instead, set internal boundaries by choosing not to engage, defend, explain, or personalize, and by disengaging from sharing sensitive information.
Use the mnemonic “DEEP” – Don’t Defend, Don’t Engage, Don’t Explain, and Don’t Personalize – to avoid repeating toxic cycles and protect yourself from further harm.
Instead of getting lost in precisely diagnosing narcissism, focus on whether consistent problematic behavioral patterns are present and causing harm, as these patterns are unlikely to change.
In new relationships, identify three red flags early on and ‘cut bait’ (exit the relationship) to minimize negative fallout, as the earlier you leave, the less the negative impact.
When in an intense new relationship, ask yourself if this person will truly take care of you when you’re sick or listen to your problems, as these questions reveal long-term support capabilities.
If you find yourself censoring more and more of yourself to keep an exciting relationship going, recognize this as a significant warning sign that your identity is being stolen.
Understand that the emotional pain experienced from a narcissistic relationship is a form of grief, representing a loss of hope for the relationship and the person you once were.
Once you recognize narcissistic patterns, consciously decide whether to stay or leave the relationship, understanding that healing is more challenging if you remain in the relationship.
Slow down and pay attention to how you feel in your body around others; if an interaction doesn’t feel good, trust that intuition and consider disengaging to prevent future harm.
Bring in practices like meditation and mindfulness to engage in self-exploration, helping you uncover layers of yourself and understand barriers to expressing your true self through non-judgment.
Set phone notifications to regularly check in with yourself (e.g., ‘How do I feel now? Am I hot? Am I cold? Am I hungry?’) to reconnect with your own physiology and needs, especially if you’ve been in controlled spaces.
Give yourself permission to acknowledge your true nature, such as introversion, and set social boundaries that align with your needs, rather than trying to conform to external expectations.
If you are unsure about narcissistic behavior, try expressing a need, a want, or contradicting them, and observe their reaction to gain confirmatory evidence of their patterns.
If you suspect you are a narcissist and are harming others, seek good trauma-informed therapy and commit to lifelong mindfulness, taking responsibility, and being aware of others’ needs.
When you have an ‘ungraceful day’ or make a mistake, take responsibility and apologize properly to make amends, show self-awareness, and allow the other person to feel whole.