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How to Silence Your Inner Critic (and Why You Should) with Dr Kristin Neff (Re-Release) #442

Apr 9, 2024 1h 29m 15 insights
CAUTION ADVISED: this podcast contains mild swear words and themes of an adult nature.   This week, I have decided to re-release a conversation that originally came out over three years ago, all the way back in March 2021. Since then, this podcast has attracted many new listeners who perhaps will not have heard this particular conversation. And to me, this is an episode that speaks to one of the most important topics when it comes to improving our health and happiness - compassion. But I'm not talking about compassion for others, I'm talking about compassion for ourselves, and how this is a crucial ingredient that is often overlooked when it comes to living a happier and healthier life. Even if you did hear the original episode, I still think it is worth re-listening as this is a topic that we could all do with a reminder on from time to time.   Dr Kristin Neff is a professor at the University of Texas in the department of psychology. She’s co-founder of the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion and the author of several best-selling books on the topic. In our conversation, Kristin explains what self-compassion is and why it matters. She explains the difference between self-compassion and self-esteem. Self-compassion is not about making excuses for yourself nor is it about self-pity, instead, it is very much an active, mindful state.   Now I know that the very notion of self-love can make a lot of people feel very uncomfortable. Kristin explains why this might be and shares many different ways we can give ourselves compassion. She recommends that people experiment and find a method that feels easy and pleasant for them.   We also talk about the ever-present problem of our brain’s ‘inner critic’ and how our parents influence the way we talk to ourselves. She also explains why self-compassion is most definitely not selfish, in fact, people who have it are kinder, more loving and less controlling of others.   Kristin also makes a key distinction between acts of self-care – such as taking a bath, having a massage – and self-compassion. She explains that self-compassion is actually a state of mind. It’s not something you have to do, it doesn’t take time or resources. It’s simply the opposite of being self-critical. It’s a way of thinking that has your own best interests at heart. But, this way of thinking doesn’t come naturally to us. As humans, we are hard-wired for self-criticism - it’s an evolutionary mechanism that makes us feel safe. But when navigating life, who do you want in your head: an enemy who belittles you or a friend who supports you?   At the end of our conversation, Kristin takes us through a beautiful practical exercise in finding self-compassion that I think you will really enjoy. This is such an important topic that doesn’t get spoken about enough in the conversation around health – I hope you enjoy listening. Find out more about my NEW Journal here https://drchatterjee.com/journal Thanks to our
Actionable Insights

1. Cultivate Self-Compassion

Actively practice compassion towards yourself, recognizing it as a crucial ingredient for a happier and healthier life, and the antidote to harsh self-criticism. This mindset makes you stronger and more competent when facing life’s difficulties.

2. Be Your Own Inner Ally

Choose to be an ally to yourself, offering support and belief, rather than an enemy who cuts you down or shames you. This internal support system makes you stronger and more capable of dealing with life’s challenges.

3. Understand Self-Compassion’s Three Pillars

Develop self-compassion by integrating three core components: mindfulness (aware observation of your pain), kindness (a warm, caring response to your suffering), and common humanity (recognizing that imperfection and struggle are universal human experiences).

4. Motivate with Encouragement, Not Shame

Drive personal change and goal achievement through encouragement and support, akin to a wise coach or compassionate parent, instead of relying on harsh self-criticism or shame. This approach is more effective and sustainable, fostering growth without negative side effects.

5. Embrace Tender and Fierce Compassion

Balance “tender self-compassion” (unconditional self-acceptance) with “fierce self-compassion” (the active energy to change harmful behaviors or strive for goals). Both are essential for holistic well-being and effective motivation.

6. Ask “What Do I Truly Need?”

Regularly pause and consciously ask yourself, “What do I really need in this moment to be healthy, happy, and whole?” This simple question helps identify and address your genuine needs, with the answer often revealing itself over time.

7. Reparent Yourself with Kindness

Consciously “reparent” yourself by consistently treating yourself with fairness, kindness, encouragement, and support, even if your childhood lacked these elements. This practice helps you cultivate feelings of worthiness and safety as an adult.

8. Work Constructively with Inner Critic

Instead of trying to silence your inner critic, acknowledge its underlying intention to help (“Thank you, self-critic, I know you’re trying to help”) and then request it to communicate in more constructive and supportive terms.

9. Practice the Self-Compassion Break

Implement a short, 5-minute “self-compassion break” during moments of stress or difficulty, intentionally bringing in mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness through supportive words and touch. This helps calm the mind and foster self-support.

10. Use Supportive Physical Touch

When feeling upset, intentionally place your hands on your heart, belly, or face, or give yourself a hug. This physical gesture bypasses the mind and activates the parasympathetic nervous system, promoting physiological calm.

11. Model Positive Self-Talk

Be mindful of your internal dialogue and externalized self-talk, especially in front of children, to model positive self-compassion. This helps prevent them from internalizing negative self-criticism.

12. Self-Compassion for Caregivers

Caregivers should practice self-compassion in moments of stress and overwhelm by acknowledging their pain and offering supportive words (e.g., “This is so hard. I’m here for you.”). This not only helps the caregiver cope but also positively impacts the person being cared for through empathic resonance.

13. Address Overeating with Compassion

When experiencing diet setbacks or emotional distress, respond with self-compassion instead of self-criticism, which often triggers emotional eating. Self-compassion provides a healthier way to process pain and supports intuitive eating.

14. Prioritize “Me Time” for Well-being

Dedicate 15-20 minutes daily to “me time,” engaging in an activity solely for yourself without distractions. This practice can significantly reduce stress and improve physical and mental health symptoms by lowering the body’s overall stress response.

15. Explore Self-Compassion Resources

Utilize available resources such as the “Mindful Self-Compassion Program” workbook, guided meditations, and research articles found on selfcompassion.org to deepen your understanding and practice of self-compassion.