Redefine confidence to include diverse types (e.g., quiet introvert, nurturing healer) rather than idolizing extroverts, giving yourself permission to feel authentically confident in your unique way.
Aim for authentic smiles that engage your upper cheek muscles and eyes (crow’s feet), as these genuinely infect others positively and are more memorable, unlike fake smiles which have no mood or behavior change.
Check your profile pictures (e.g., LinkedIn, dating apps) to ensure you are not accidentally displaying an asymmetrical smile (a one-sided mouth raise or smirk), as this is a universal micro-expression of contempt and negativity.
When you spot a negative cue like contempt (one-sided mouth raise/smirk) in others, view it as a valuable opportunity to learn more about their feelings or the situation, either by observing or gently addressing it.
If you notice a negative cue from someone, you can directly address it by asking ‘Is everything okay?’ or more softly inquire ‘Does that make sense?’ to show respect and seek deeper understanding.
Approach interactions with the intention to deeply understand others by listening not just with your ears, but with your entire body, observing non-verbal cues, voice, and words to foster connection.
Recognize that 65-90% of communication is non-verbal; therefore, pay attention to and intentionally use non-verbal cues (postures, gestures, facial expressions) to communicate effectively and avoid being misunderstood or underestimated.
Be clear and intentional with your cues to quickly signal trustworthiness (‘Can I trust you?’) and reliability (‘Can I rely on you?’) in interactions, making you more magnetic and easier for others to understand by reducing their cognitive load.
Use vulnerability, truth, and transparency as a direct path to conveying warmth, as sharing your true feelings helps others trust and believe your competence and ideas.
Practice radical transparency by openly sharing your discomfort, anxiety, or awkwardness, as this vulnerability acts as a powerful warmth cue, making people lean in and feel safer and more connected with you.
Prioritize connecting with people (making them feel seen and heard) before attempting to educate or provide information, as connection acts as a lubricant, making subsequent interactions and information reception much smoother.
When making a first impression, such as opening a door to greet someone, ensure your posture is broad and open, maximizing the space between your ears and shoulders to project pride and confidence.
When greeting someone, initiate a searching gaze to find them, then hold mutual eye contact until they are walking towards you and reciprocating, as this triggers oxytocin and quickly builds trust.
After greeting someone and establishing eye contact, avoid immediately turning your back and walking away; maintain connection until they are fully engaged and moving with you to prevent signaling disinterest or hiding something.
In the first few seconds of an interaction, use slightly positive verbal cues (e.g., ‘so good to see you,’ ‘happy to be here’) to help people feel at ease and internalize a positive mood.
If comfortable, initiate physical touch like a handshake (combining eye contact and touch for oxytocin release); if not, use a non-verbal acknowledgement like a nod or wave to signal welcome and belonging.
When guiding someone, walk shoulder-to-shoulder and side-by-side, ideally in lockstep, to create mirroring and quickly build rapport, even within their intimate zone, as it acts like an ’enzyme for interaction’.
When sitting down with someone, adjust your posture (e.g., sit on a stool, lean in) to be on the same eye level as them, as this demonstrates non-verbal respect and fosters connection.
To dial up warmth and encourage others to speak three to four times longer, use a slow, purposeful triple nod while listening, rather than constant bobble-head nodding.
Tilt your head slightly to the side while listening to someone to signal engagement and encourage the other person to feel more connected and understood.
To dial up competence and signal openness and honesty, use open palm gestures, especially when starting interactions like video calls, to show you’re not hiding anything.
To project competence and confidence, consciously lower your shoulders away from your ears, avoiding the instinctive protective posture of shoulders rolled up and chin down, which signals anxiety.
Avoid being stoic or under-expressive, as stifling cues can cause anxiety and confusion in others, prevent you from effectively communicating your competence and worth, and make interactions difficult.
Actively teach children (and each other) about non-verbal cues by naming them (e.g., ‘She’s smiling, she wants to play’), similar to learning a foreign language, to improve communication and understanding.
To counteract the lack of warmth in electronic communication (emails, texts), intentionally add warmth cues, even just one word (e.g., ’team,’ ‘help,’ ‘hope,’ ’thanks’), to build trust and encourage engagement.
In emails, use specific ‘power words’ to cue desired emotions: use warm words (e.g., ‘collaborate,’ ’trust’) to foster warmth, and competent words (e.g., ‘win,’ ’efficient’) to signal capability, ensuring your message lands effectively.
Review your email sent folder to count the balance of ‘warm words’ (e.g., friends, happy, open) versus ‘competent words’ (e.g., win, achieve, productive) in important messages to understand the impression you are consistently conveying.
In text messages and informal emails, use emojis and exclamation points to add warmth, as one smiling face or exclamation point is equivalent to one warm word, especially if you tend to be highly competent.
When making a statement, especially regarding prices, timelines, or advice, ensure your voice goes down at the end of the sentence (statement inflection) rather than up (question inflection), as question inflection signals uncertainty and can lead to scrutiny or doubt.
Cultivate fluidity and smoothness in your hand gestures and movements, as this signals competence and confidence, while jerky or strenuous movements can betray discomfort or deceit.
Identify and leverage the cues you naturally use and enjoy, and observe highly charismatic people to adopt cues that resonate with you, enhancing authenticity and confidence.