Approach relationships with a gracious acceptance of your partner’s flawed humanity, as this is a better basis for ‘rightness’ than insisting on a perfect ‘right person’.
Shift your perspective of love from being a mere emotion or feeling to a skill that requires labor and continuous learning, rather than something that is simply ’there or not there’.
Recognize that scratchiness, discomfort, and complexity are normal aspects of relationships, reducing shame and the feeling that something has gone wrong.
Seek and cultivate relationships where you feel truly heard and understood, as this ’emotional nectar’ of attuned love is essential for healing trauma and overcoming loneliness.
Develop the skill of ’teaching’ in your relationship by calmly and compassionately conveying your experiences and needs to your partner, choosing receptive moments for discussion.
Practice clearly and firmly articulating your personal needs, likes, dislikes, and boundaries to your partner in a gentle, compassionate, and calm manner.
See your partner as a ‘coach’ or ‘mirror’ who can help you identify your faults and grow into your best self, rather than expecting unconditional acceptance of all current flaws.
Enter relationships with the understanding that both you and your partner are works in progress with much to learn, fostering a more realistic and productive foundation than believing you are fully accomplished.
Acknowledge and actively manage the inherent tension between the desire for closeness and the need for distance in a relationship, finding a comfortable balance for both partners.
Be aware that instinctive attraction might be driven by a search for familiar childhood love, which may not always be linked to your flourishing if your early experiences were complex or lacked safety.
Start by acknowledging the possibility that you might pass unresolved issues onto your children, fostering self-awareness to prevent inadvertently traumatizing them.
Use your children as a mirror to identify your own unresolved fears and ‘shadow sides’ by reflecting on what behaviors in them trigger you, indicating areas you haven’t dealt with in yourself.
Shift your definition of success from external metrics like financial gain, fame, or sporting achievement to internal satisfaction, contentment, and the ability to live comfortably with oneself and loved ones.
Release the pressure to be a ‘perfect parent’ and instead embrace your own flawed humanity, as this allows your children to accept their own imperfections and develop a realistic view of human relationships.
Establish clear boundaries in relationships, as setting conditions (e.g., ’things that would break my trust’) can be an act of love that respects your partner’s maturity and helps both individuals define psychological health.
Adopt a more compassionate and less judgmental approach to understanding human behavior, recognizing that all actions, even those deemed ‘abhorrent,’ often serve a role in an individual’s complex internal world or trauma.
Acknowledge and accept that suffering is an inevitable part of human existence, which can paradoxically lead to deeper appreciation, joy, and gratitude for life’s positive moments.
Cultivate daily gratitude for the absence of catastrophe in your life, recognizing human vulnerability and the temporary nature of good fortune, which should also inspire kindness towards others.
Regularly reflect on your life choices and priorities from the perspective of your mortality, using the inevitability of death as a ‘bellwether’ to recalibrate your inner compass and give life meaning.
Protect your mental well-being by avoiding over-committing your calendar, allowing sufficient time for events to resonate and be processed, rather than accumulating stifled experiences that lead to mental imbalance.
Actively seek and embrace solitude not as ‘doing nothing,’ but as a crucial opportunity to go inward, explore yourself, and process experiences that have occurred in the company of others.
Approach life with the awareness that you are responsible for a vulnerable ‘five-year-old child’ within you, ensuring it gets adequate rest and isn’t over-jostled by excessive demands.
Consciously prioritize your core relationships over external societal success, recognizing that true wealth and happiness are often found in strong personal connections, even if it means declining other opportunities.
Be prepared to let go of a partner with grace if their personal growth path no longer aligns with the relationship, recognizing that this can be a generous act of love rather than a tragedy.
Understand that individuals with trauma may instinctively reject intense love because they struggle to metabolize its goodness, having adapted to survive with reduced needs for affection.
Adopt the practice of turning personal difficulties and problems into ideas, using self-reflection and intellectualization as a way to process and understand your experiences.
Engage in detailed discussions about seemingly mundane topics like household arrangements, as these ‘small things’ are conduits to larger life themes and are crucial for a relationship’s flourishing.
Instead of immediately exiting, try to work through incompatibilities and problems by aligning understandings, aiming to see where the other person is coming from even if full agreement isn’t reached.
When communicating, especially about difficult topics, cultivate the ability to tolerate if your partner doesn’t immediately understand, preventing arguments from spiraling due to an urgent need for immediate comprehension.
Be cautious of an excessive ‘red flag’ mentality that leads to immediately exiting relationships at the first sign of problematic behavior, as this can lead to a lonely life by eradicating everyone who shows any human flaw.
Build the idea of compromise into your relationships from the start, recognizing that it is an inherent part of long-term partnership, rather than expecting to find a perfect match.
Resist the cultural tendency towards perfectionism in all aspects of life, including relationships and careers, as it can lead to intolerance and the belief that something is ‘wrong’ when imperfections arise.
Understand that long-term relationships evolve through different stages, each requiring a new set of skills (e.g., communication, negotiation, forbearance) to navigate challenges and sustain connection.
Reflect on your emotional response after success or good news; if you feel worry or unease instead of celebration, it might signal an unprocessed trauma linking achievement with upsetting others.
Be aware that parents can unconsciously feel resentment towards their children, especially if the child’s life contrasts with the parent’s deprived upbringing; acknowledge these feelings and allow them space for understanding.
Recognize the dangerous dynamic where a child is subtly invited to compensate a parent for their emotional needs, leading the child to feel uncomfortable power and an inability to be expansive.
Be mindful not to project your own unrealized dreams or competitive drives onto your children, allowing them to pursue their interests and develop their self-worth independently of your achievements.
As a parent, reflect on what you are trying to correct from your own childhood and consider where your efforts to instill a virtue might lead to overcorrection, creating new problems for your children.
Provide your children with a fundamental sense of validation by ensuring they feel welcomed, wanted, and that they have a secure place in your heart, fostering their basic sense of security.
As children reach adulthood, subtly reveal your own complicated, imperfect self (e.g., occasional grumpiness, losing temper) to provide a realistic model of adult relationships, preventing them from sacrificing themselves on illusions of perfect parents.
Understand that sexual ‘kinks’ often originate from areas of past pain or tension, and can serve as a cathartic way to rebalance oneself by revisiting difficulties or exploring roles absent from daily life.
Resist the cultural pressure for children to ‘grow up fast’ and instead allow them to develop at their own pace, recognizing that accelerated maturity often indicates a child compensating for immature parents.
Recognize that many forms of sexual perversion stem from a deep fear of intimacy, where individuals seek to engage in sexual acts while simultaneously preventing genuine closeness or reciprocal bonds.
When encountering someone you deem ‘beyond the pale’ (e.g., a political opponent), challenge yourself to identify what part of their behavior or mindset resonates within you, fostering personal growth and understanding.
Actively work to put words to your feelings and convey them to others, recognizing that this effortful use of language is crucial for mutual understanding and navigating relationships in the absence of spontaneous intuition.
Be selective about the news and tragedies you consume, recognizing that constantly filling your mind with global disasters can sap your energy and ability to effectively serve those in your immediate environment.
Focus on absorbing and applying the knowledge you already possess rather than constantly seeking new information, as lack of application, not lack of knowledge, is often the barrier to improvement.
Spend time in nature to gain perspective, as its indifference to human concerns can be a ‘salutary relief’ that lightens your spirits by reminding you of your small place in the vast cosmos.