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How Admitting Powerlessness Can Change Your Life with Benjamin Francis Leftwich #193

Jun 22, 2021 1h 56m 29 insights
CAUTION: Contains themes of an adult nature. I believe that we can all learn something about ourselves from every single person we interact with and that it is through hearing other people’s stories that we can learn the most. Today’s guest has a really powerful story to share – he is the singer-songwriter, Benjamin Francis Leftwich. I’ve been a huge fan of his work since his 2011 debut album and I think his music connects with people in an incredible way. Ben’s fourth studio album, To Carry a Whale, has just been released – the first that he has recorded in sobriety. Ben and I begin by talking about the disconnect between success and happiness. At the peak of his early fame a decade ago, he confesses that contentment still eluded him. He had success, fame, opportunities, riches – Ben acknowledges all his privileges. But he could not shake feeling uncomfortable in his own skin, like there was a hole in his heart that he could not fill. In Benjamin’s case, it was drink and drugs he tried to fill the hole with. But as we discuss, addiction comes in many guises. I think to some degree we’re all seeking to fill that hole in our souls, to ‘fix’ whatever we feel is wrong or missing in our lives. We can all feel an emptiness at times. And whether it’s alcohol, sugar, caffeine, gambling, sex, shopping or something else we choose to fill it with, few of us are strangers to that feeling. That’s not to diminish what, for Ben, has clearly been a long and traumatic journey. It’s a privilege to hear him share so honestly about his experience – and what he’s learned in recovery over the past three years. There’s so much in what Ben does in recovery, one day at a time, that I feel could be helpful to each and every one of us. For example, we discuss the difference between saying sorry and really making amends – how the latter means being accountable, asking for forgiveness, while not trying to manipulate the other person’s response. And we talk about the importance of connection and community. How the regular meetings Benjamin and other recovering addicts attend have adapted online during the pandemic and retained their power. We cover so much in this conversation – including, of course, plenty about the music. We talk spirituality, the inherent goodness in people and his goal of progress not perfection. I’m struck by Ben’s gratitude and energy and grateful for his authentic and touching words. This is a powerful conversation and I really think you are going to enjoy listening. If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction and would like help, here are some sites that you/they may find helpful: Alcoholics Anonymous (UK) https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/ Alcoholics Anonymous (US & Canada) https://aa.org/ Alcoholics Anonymous (Australia) https://aa.org.au/ Narcotics Anonymous (UK) https://ukna.org/ Narcotics Anonymous (Worldwide) https://na.org/ Help Me Stop (UK) https://www.na.org/meetingsearch/ Help For Families (UK) https://adfam.org.uk/help-for-families/useful-organisations Show notes available at https://drchatterjee.com/193 Follow me on https://www.instagram.com/drchatterjee Follow me on https://www.facebook.com/DrChatterjee Follow me on https://twitter.com/drchatterjeeuk
Actionable Insights

1. Asking for Help is Strength

View asking for help and admitting powerlessness not as weaknesses, but as courageous steps towards finding solutions and building a better life, especially when engaging with a supportive community.

2. Practice Forgiveness, Gain Freedom

Practice forgiveness towards others and yourself, especially when feeling harmed, to avoid being trapped by resentment and judgment, which block spiritual clarity and lead to self-absorption.

3. Prioritize Spiritual Fitness

Prioritize cultivating inner spiritual fitness and contentment, ensuring your well-being remains stable regardless of external achievements or failures.

4. Be of Service to Others

Engage in service to others as an antidote to self-focus and introspection, as giving away what you have (e.g., experience, help) helps maintain your own well-being.

5. Make Amends, Not Just Apologies

When you’ve harmed someone, go beyond a simple apology by making amends: ask for forgiveness, be accountable, and specifically name what you’ve done, without being attached to the outcome.

6. Detachment from Outcomes

Practice detachment from the outcomes of your actions, especially when making amends or engaging in difficult conversations, to cultivate inner peace and contentment.

7. Practice Radical Honesty

Practice radical honesty with yourself by acknowledging and accepting your weaknesses rather than denying them, and then strive to show up authentically in the world.

8. Fill Inner Emptiness Constructively

Consciously choose to fill inner emptiness with activities and substances that are constructive and do not cause self-harm or harm to others.

9. Reduce Judgment of Others

Actively work to reduce judgment of others, recognizing that it often stems from personal feelings of inadequacy, and cultivate a more compassionate perspective.

10. Accept You’re Not Always Right

Practice humility by accepting that your ideas are not always the best and that collective wisdom or group consensus can be more powerful than individual will.

11. Communicate with Good Energy

Prioritize the energy and intention behind your communication, ensuring it comes from a place of compassion, kindness, and positivity, aiming to unite rather than divide.

12. Live with Honesty and Integrity

Cultivate honesty and integrity in your actions and interactions, as these are fundamental to personal growth and well-being, especially in recovery.

13. Push Outside Comfort Zone

Regularly push yourself outside your comfort zone to foster personal growth and learning.

14. Learn from Others’ Stories

Actively seek out and learn from the stories and experiences of other people.

15. Stay ‘Right-Sized’ with Desires

Manage natural human desires (e.g., for security, comfort, wealth, love) by keeping them ‘right-sized’ and preventing them from becoming the sole focus of life, which can lead to chaos.

16. Seek Help for Addictions

If struggling with addiction or compulsive behaviors, reach a point of surrender and ask for help from a supportive community or fellowship that offers a common solution, practicing recovery one day at a time.

17. Avoid Self-Reliance & Obsession

Recognize the dangers of excessive self-reliance and self-obsession, as they can lead to isolation and negative outcomes; seek support and connection instead.

18. Daily Spiritual Practice

Incorporate a daily spiritual practice, starting and ending your day with readings, prayer, or reflection to cultivate inner peace and gratitude.

19. Engage in Recovery Community

If in recovery, regularly engage with a supportive community (minimum of four times a week) to share experiences, receive support, and learn from others’ solutions.

20. Maintain Service While Traveling

Maintain practices of service to others and connection with mentors/support systems even when traveling or away from your usual routine.

21. Pray for Others

Practice praying for others who are struggling, as this can bring a sense of peace and usefulness.

22. Delay Morning Phone Use

Delay engaging with your phone, work-related chats, or diary tasks in the morning until you feel mentally and spiritually ‘right’ or centered.

23. Beware of Misguided Self-Compassion

Be cautious that self-compassion and self-love, if misapplied or used as an excuse, do not lead to self-abandonment or a return to harmful behaviors.

24. Accept Seasonal Relationships

Accept that some relationships are seasonal and may not continue, even if deeply cherished, and trust in a larger plan rather than trying to manipulate outcomes.

25. Avoid Performative Authenticity

Be wary of ‘performative authenticity,’ especially on social media, as portraying an inauthentic version of yourself for validation can lead to internal emptiness and disconnect from your true self.

26. Focus on Craft and Effort

Embrace the ‘craft’ aspect of creative work, focusing on meticulous effort and attention to detail, rather than solely relying on inspiration or expecting things to ‘just land in your lap.’

27. Trust Creative Instincts

In creative endeavors, trust your instincts and rely on ‘feel’ to guide decisions, as sometimes over-tinkering can detract from the initial spark.

28. Believe in Your Message

When performing or communicating, convey your message with genuine belief and conviction, as authenticity and passion resonate more than technical perfection.

29. Value Truthful Feedback

Recognize that sometimes direct, honest feedback, even if not delivered with overtly ’loving’ language, can be a form of kindness and necessary for growth.