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Fearne Cotton on How To Find Your Happy Place #230

Jan 19, 2022 1h 59m 41 insights
CAUTION: Contains swearing and themes of an adult nature. It is my absolute pleasure to be able to share today’s conversation with you. I’m speaking with fellow podcaster and author Fearne Cotton, someone I count as a good friend and kindred spirit. Fearne has been a talented and high-profile star on UK TV and radio since the age of 15. But these days she’s found her ‘happy place’ out of the public glare, living with intention and sharing her experiences with a like-minded audience. Fearne’s latest book, Bigger Than Us, is a beautiful exploration of spirituality, connection, and a judgement-free look at our ideas of wellness. As this episode begins, Fearne shares her very recent heartbreak at losing a cherished companion of 20 years, her rescue cat Lula. We talk about her bereavement, the experience of grief and how it can open us up to spiritual thinking and finding meaning. Fearne is a big believer that self-compassion is the key to living an authentic life, although she freely admits this is something she struggles with. We discuss honouring the good and bad in our lives, and how letting go of the past and limiting beliefs doesn’t mean blocking them out – just refusing to carry them around with us. What I love about Fearne’s approach is that she doesn’t claim to be an expert in self-help – she’s just super-keen to share what’s worked for her and might interest others. Perhaps the best example of this is Fearne’s Happy Place Festival, which brings people together for the sorts of communal experiences we agree can be life-changing. I so enjoyed talking to Fearne. She’s honest, relatable and she helps so many people through her work. I’m honoured that she felt able to come on the podcast at what was a difficult time for her. But as you’ll hear, there’s much light and laughter in this conversation too. It’s a very special one – I think you’ll enjoy it. Thanks to our
Actionable Insights

1. Embrace Your Authentic Self

Strive to simply “turn up as yourself” and believe that your authentic self is enough, rather than trying to be someone else or putting on a performance.

2. Honor Good and Bad, Let Go of Past

Acknowledge and honor both the positive and negative experiences in your life, letting go of the past and self-limiting beliefs by refusing to constantly carry them, rather than blocking them out.

3. Live an Intentional Life

Make conscious choices and be aware of your patterns, choosing different paths when faced with discomfort instead of reflexively distracting yourself, to live a more intentional life.

4. Cultivate Self-Awareness of Patterns

Recognize the profound importance of self-awareness as a crucial first step in personal growth, acknowledging your patterns and behaviors even if the path to change isn’t immediately clear.

5. Integrate Traumatic Memories for Acceptance

If you’ve experienced trauma, work towards integrating blocked or deleted memories back into your life story to foster a more full-bodied sense of acceptance and prevent physical manifestations like panic attacks.

6. Prioritize Existing Love Over External Validation

Reflect on the love you already have in your immediate environment and prioritize it, recognizing that external validation from strangers is often unnecessary and a waste of time.

7. Define Your “Happy Ending” Life Goals

Envision your life’s end and identify three key achievements or states of being you would want to look back on, such as living with integrity, resolving conflicts, and being surrounded by love.

8. Align Weekly Habits with Life Goals

Compare your weekly happiness habits with your ultimate “happy ending” life goals to ensure your daily actions are aligned with and contributing to your long-term aspirations.

9. Be Nicer to Yourself

Make a resolution to be kinder to yourself, as it’s the only one worth making and often overlooked.

10. Be Present with Pain and Loss

Instead of distracting yourself, choose to sit with and be present with feelings of loss and pain, allowing yourself to fully experience them.

11. Share Vulnerabilities to Forge Connection

Overcome the fear of rejection by sharing your authentic self, including feelings of embarrassment, shame, or resentment, as this vulnerability often leads to deeper connection with others and alleviates others’ feelings of isolation.

12. Recognize Listening as Sufficient Support

Understand that in many situations, especially when someone is struggling, simply listening and acknowledging their feelings without trying to fix their problems can be profoundly supportive and healing.

13. Cultivate Awareness for Everyday Magic

Develop awareness to recognize and appreciate the “everyday beautiful magic” in tiny, quiet, private moments, as these special instances are often missed due to preoccupation with fear and worry.

14. Manage Fear to Reduce Life Tension

Actively manage chronic fear, as it creates a state of tension in your nervous system that negatively underpins all your interactions and overall well-being.

15. Honor Natural Cycles of Rest and Regeneration

Observe nature’s cycles of shedding, resting, and regenerating, and apply this to your own life by honoring your need to hibernate, shed things, and regenerate instead of relentlessly pushing yourself.

16. Create Your Own Meaning and Story

Exercise autonomy in assigning meaning to events and experiences, choosing the narrative that best serves you rather than conforming to external expectations.

17. Infuse Intentionality into Actions

Consciously apply good and benevolent intentions behind your actions and rituals, as this personalizes them and imbues them with meaning, rather than following prescribed methods.

18. Avoid Numbing or Distracting from Emotions

Resist the urge to numb or distract yourself from emotions like pain or even happiness (due to fear of loss) with activities like phone use, shopping, eating, or drinking.

19. Reclaim Self-Identity from External Input

Work to regain a clear sense of who you are and what you like, reducing the influence of others’ opinions on your self-perception and choices.

20. Align Work with Personal Belief

Engage in work that you personally believe in and feel is “yours,” as this reduces the emotional risk of external criticism and allows you to be less concerned with perfection or universal approval.

21. Learn to Listen Properly

Actively practice proper listening, giving full attention without distraction, as it is a crucial skill for deeper connection and understanding in both personal and professional life.

22. Reduce Screen Time, Increase Presence

Consciously reduce time spent on screens and increase your presence with others to combat loneliness and foster deeper connections, as being heard and listened to is a fundamental human need.

23. Embrace Unplanned Social Connections

Value and embrace spontaneous, unplanned social interactions, as they often lead to beautiful, authentic, and less overthought connections that can be more special than pre-arranged ones.

24. Prioritize Special Connections Over Tasks

Consciously pause to enjoy special connections and unions with others, recognizing that these moments are precious and often what you’ll remember and value most, rather than prioritizing endless tasks like emails.

25. Identify Your Core Happiness Habits

Reflect on and identify three core activities or experiences that consistently bring you true happiness, contentment, and peace, such as family time, being in nature, or acts of kindness.

26. Regularly Review Happiness Habit Engagement

Periodically check if you have engaged in your identified core happiness habits, using this review to assess alignment between your values and your weekly actions.

27. Embrace Long-Term Personal Growth

Commit to personal growth as an ongoing, lifelong journey without seeking quick fixes, accepting that there will be periods of alignment and misalignment, and that this is a natural part of the process.

28. Stop “Trying So Hard” in Life

Apply the lesson of “stopping trying so hard” from practices like yoga to your everyday life, allowing for more ease and less striving, and focusing on the experience rather than just the outcome.

29. Ask “What If This Was Easy?”

When feeling overwhelmed or stressed by a task, ask yourself, “What would this look like if it was easy?” to shift your perspective and potentially find a less strenuous approach.

30. Set Goal: “Just Turn Up As Me.”

Set a long-term personal goal to simply “turn up as yourself” in all situations, believing that your authentic self is inherently enough, without needing to be “extra” or performative.

31. Be Authentic in Communication

Strive to communicate authentically, avoiding the insidious tendency to be performative or change your natural voice or demeanor, even in public or professional settings.

32. Limit News Consumption

Consciously choose to limit or avoid consuming traditional news, as it often bombards you with fear and negativity, recognizing that you can still be connected and care about the world without it.

33. Engage in Collective Activities

Participate in activities that involve moving or doing things together with other people, as this can foster collective energy, connection, and even synchronize physiological states like breathing.

34. Prioritize Deep Conversations Over Small Talk

Seek out and engage in deep, meaningful conversations rather than superficial small talk, as the latter can feel empty and unfulfilling.

35. Collaborate on Growth, Don’t Be the Expert

Approach personal growth and shared projects with a collaborative mindset, positioning yourself as a fellow explorer rather than an expert, and inviting others to join the journey of figuring things out together.

36. Connect to Combat Loneliness

Seek out or create opportunities for connection, as a fundamental human need is to feel less alone, and shared experiences can combat feelings of isolation.

37. Engage in Deep, Honest Work During Grief

When experiencing grief, engage in deep and honest conversations or work, as it can strip away unnecessary layers, get rid of ego, and lead to more authentic engagement.

38. Recognize Controlling Tendencies from Feeling Out of Control

Become aware that when your external world feels out of control, you may react by becoming excessively controlling in other areas of your life.

39. Avoid Resolutions Based on Lack

Reconsider making New Year’s resolutions that stem from a feeling of inadequacy or lack, as these are often unsustainable and fail to address deeper needs.

40. Prioritize Well-being Over Social Obligations

Make decisions based on your current mental and emotional state, choosing to opt out of social obligations like parties if they don’t serve your well-being, even if it means facing potential judgment.

41. Be Proud of Your Creations

Practice being proud of what you create and accomplish, letting go of the tendency to second-guess public opinion or fear judgment for self-congratulation.