If you want to see change in others, focus on changing your own behavior and narrative first, as this dynamic interplay will influence their story as well.
Do not defer play, pleasure, joy, and fun; integrate them into your life, especially during crises, as they are fundamental to humanity and well-being.
Before a difficult conversation, check your internal state; aim to approach it with a “state of yes” (openness, acceptance) rather than a “state of no” (attack, rejection), which influences your physiology and outcome.
In conversations, especially challenging ones, offer to simply listen without needing to agree, giving the other person’s point of view space and validity.
Establish a daily “tea ritual” (or similar dedicated time) for at least five minutes with your partner, without distractions like phones, to consistently connect and deepen intimacy.
When receiving criticism, try to identify the underlying wish or unmet need behind it, rather than just reacting defensively.
Instead of defensiveness, respond to criticism by acknowledging the reminder, expressing gratitude for high expectations, and inviting accountability, which can reframe the conversation positively.
Understand that self-knowledge is gained through interactions with others, not in isolation, as your perception of self is influenced by how others see you and how you interact.
Recognize that relationships are a dynamic co-creation; you shape the relationship, and in turn, the relationship shapes who you become.
Adopt a relational perspective on self-identity, understanding that who you are is always a combination of how you see yourself and how others see you, and how you impact each other.
Cultivate awareness of your own actions and how they trigger reactions in your partner, rather than solely focusing on their reactions to you.
Understand that relationships naturally cycle through harmony, disharmony, and repair, or connection, disconnection, and reconnection; this rhythm is normal and not indicative of failure.
Actively reinvent your relationship by consciously changing your responses and communication patterns; if your partner says A, try a different response than your usual B to alter the story.
Understand that by changing the narrative of your relationship, you can change your experience and regain a sense of agency over your life.
Work on understanding yourself better, as this self-awareness will enable you to show up in your relationships more meaningfully and with less personal baggage.
Identify and challenge the underlying assumptions (e.g., “you don’t care about me,” “it will never be good enough”) that keep you stuck in a toxic relationship story.
Be aware that you might be playing a character in your partner’s story that you don’t recognize as yourself, as relationships involve entering each other’s narratives.
Understand that your behavior and self-perception are reciprocally influenced by others, meaning your actions affect them, and their reactions in turn affect you.
Recognize that you are not a static “one person” but are shaped by each relationship, bringing out different aspects of yourself depending on the dynamic.
Engage in “relationship therapy” through various accessible means like listening to podcasts, reading books, or discussing with friends, not just formal therapy sessions.
Let go of the expectation of a “perfect relationship,” as such a thing does not exist, reducing pressure and fostering acceptance.
Resist the societal pressure to always be perfect and “shine” in your relationships; acknowledge areas for improvement without labeling yourself or your relationship as “good” or “bad.”
Reframe your understanding of relationship success; longevity alone isn’t the marker, and having the option to leave for good reasons can be commendable.
Reflect on whether you were raised for autonomy (self-reliance) or loyalty (interdependence) and how this foundational outlook influences your relationships and expectations.
Recognize that differing core values or upbringings (e.g., prioritizing family loyalty vs. individual happiness) can cause friction in relationships, and understanding these differences is key.
Understand that the non-negotiability of commitment is a cultural value; clarify with your partner whether commitment is a fixed or re-evaluable aspect of your relationship.
When interacting with others, especially partners, consider their unique cultural context and avoid assuming more similarity than actually exists, even if backgrounds seem similar.
Reflect on the unconscious reasons you chose your partner and what you gain from the relationship that you might not have owned in yourself.
View past relationship challenges as opportunities to grow closer, understand yourselves better, and recognize how your upbringing influences your current relational behavior.
Create clear boundaries around dedicated relationship time, signaling that attention is solely on each other and the value of your connection, not on tasks or external demands.
Recognize that your relationship requires consistent upkeep, protection from external pressures, and symbolic rituals performed routinely to maintain its meaning and vitality.
When engaging in relationship rituals, ensure you are in a different setting than work and free from phone distractions, making your partner feel important and appreciated for who they are.
During dedicated connection time, focus on checking in with your partner about “who they are” and “how they are feeling,” rather than “what they have done,” to foster nurturing attention.
Implement rituals to bring energy, vitality, and aliveness into your relationship, moving beyond mere survival and functioning towards thriving together.
Experiment with various connection rituals like walks, shared baths, or massages; the specific activity matters less than the shared intention to check in and prioritize each other.
Incorporate eye contact and physical touch into your daily interactions and rituals, as these are crucial for connection, soothing, and grounding, especially when touch is limited to those in your household.
Engage in activities connected to nature, such as gardening or walking together, as slowing down and connecting with the elements can foster deeper connection.
Experiment with both “face-to-face” (e.g., tea ritual) and “side-by-side” (e.g., walking, driving, cooking) interaction styles to foster different kinds of intimacy and deeper conversations.
Engage in side-by-side activities like driving or lying in bed with loved ones, as this less intense posture can provide freedom for deeper, more intimate conversations.
Cook with your children or partner, as the semi-distracted environment can create a relaxed setting that encourages deep conversations to emerge.
Listen to diverse and complex conversations (e.g., podcasts) to gain new vocabulary and frameworks for addressing challenging topics in your own relationships.
When initiating challenging conversations, remember that the essence lies more in how you listen than in what you say, so focus on creating space for the other person’s perspective.
Begin difficult conversations by acknowledging the discomfort of the topic but emphasizing its importance to you and the relationship, e.g., “Something we haven’t talked about, but our relationship matters too much to avoid it.”
Before a difficult conversation, identify the underlying core themes at play (e.g., trust, power, care, recognition, integrity) as most impasses stem from these fundamental issues.
Remember to allow for humor even during challenging conversations or crises, as it can be a necessary element for humanity and connection amidst tragedy.
Be aware that you bring your “unofficial resume” (your relationship history and personal dynamics) to the workplace, which influences interactions and performance.
Learn how to communicate personal needs or challenges (e.g., caregiving responsibilities) in the workplace in a way that fosters understanding rather than resentment or misinterpretation.
Prioritize developing relational intelligence in the workplace, as it is now considered a core skill essential for business success and team cohesion.
Understand that the quality of your relationships at work significantly impacts your overall well-being and sleep, making them crucial to prioritize.
If your relationship story has become toxic or you feel stuck, consider seeking therapy to help rewrite that narrative and overcome limiting assumptions.
Seek out shared experiences or stories of others’ relationship challenges (e.g., through podcasts like “Where Should We Begin”) to find reassurance and open avenues for change in your own life.
Gain insight into your own relationship dynamics by observing and relating to the stories of other couples, which provides a helpful distance for reflection.
Be vulnerable and share your relationship challenges and what you’ve found useful with others, fostering mutual support and making the world a better place.
Actively connect with nature, beauty, joy, laughter, and sensuality to maintain your humanity and well-being, even amidst life’s difficulties.