← Feel Better, Live More with Dr Rangan Chatterjee

Dr Gabor Maté: The 5 Life Lessons People Learn Too Late, Why We Should Stop Trying To Live Longer & How Curiosity Leads To Compassion #440

Apr 2, 2024 1h 25m 20 insights
Since his first appearance on Feel Better Live More, way back in 2018, Dr Gabor Maté has become a valued friend, as well as a regular guest. I’m proud to say that he recently joined me in London as a guest speaker on the Prescribing Lifestyle Medicine course that I co-created with Dr Ayan Panja, to teach healthcare professionals the principles of lifestyle medicine.    We recorded this conversation - Gabor’s 4th appearance on my show - a couple of weeks ago in London the day before that event, and we both agreed that it is perhaps our favourite conversation to date.   For anyone not aware, Gabor is respected the world over as an expert on trauma, stress, addiction and childhood development. He is a physician, speaker and international bestselling author of some truly game-changing books such as When the Body Says No and The Myth of Normal - which has just come out in paperback.   As this is Gabor’s 4th appearance on my podcast, I was keen to explore some new ground and different topics. Gabor has worked as a family doctor as well as in palliative (end of life) care. Back on Episode 383 of this podcast, I had a wonderful conversation with Bronnie Ware, author of the book, The Five Regrets of the Dying and I thought it would be interesting to examine each of these 5 regrets, through the lens of Gabor’s thoughts and work.    We chat through all five of these regrets and Gabor provides some thought-provoking insights on each of them. He explains why we work so hard to the detriment of time with family and friends. We talk about how disease can be a teacher, why it’s vital children grow up able to express their emotions, and how we wish more doctors were aware of the connection between emotions and physical health.   We discuss happiness and if it’s possible to be happy or seek happiness when there is so much suffering in the world. This leads us on to talk about the nature of forgiveness, curiosity, compassion, and also regret. Gabor says that living life with ‘no regrets’ is about learning and understanding from your perceived mistakes, but not being unkind to who you were then. Instead we should recognise that we did the best we could do at the time.   Like all of my previous episodes with Gabor, this is a powerful conversation full of compassion, knowledge and wisdom. I hope you enjoy listening. Support the podcast and enjoy Ad-Free episodes. Try FREE for 7 days on Apple Podcasts https://apple.co/feelbetterlivemore. For other podcast platforms go to https://fblm.supercast.com. Thanks to our
Actionable Insights

1. Cultivate Compassionate Curiosity

Practice compassionate curiosity about your own behaviors and emotional burdens, asking ‘why am I living this way?’ to understand what you are carrying and gain freedom to make different choices.

2. Live Authentically, Not to Impress

Focus on expressing your true self rather than living to impress others, as depending on external validation robs you of self-worth and genuine presence.

3. Prioritize Heart-to-Heart Connection

Actively seek, strengthen, celebrate, and value friendships and personal relationships, recognizing these connections are what truly matter and are often regretted on deathbeds more than work achievements.

4. Embrace a ‘No Regrets’ Philosophy

Adopt a ’no regrets’ mindset by understanding that you always did your best given your past context, learning from situations without dwelling on chronic, debilitating self-accusation.

5. Allow Happiness Amidst Suffering

Cultivate the capacity to be happy and content even when there is heartache and suffering in the world, as personal contentment allows you to be more effective in helping others and is not disloyal to suffering.

6. Release Loyalty to Suffering

Actively work to let go of loyalty to your own suffering and past traumas, acknowledging them without allowing them to dictate your present internal states.

7. Practice Forgiveness for Self-Liberation

Engage in forgiveness not for the other person, but for your own liberation from emotional tension, constriction, and the physical and emotional cost of holding onto unforgiveness.

8. Fully Experience Anger to Dissipate It

Before attempting forgiveness, allow yourself to fully feel and experience any anger present within you, as this process of attention can lead to its natural dissipation.

9. Ask ‘Where Are You Not Saying No?’

Regularly reflect on areas in your life where you are suppressing a ’no’ for the sake of pleasing others, as this self-suppression can lead to increased stress, burden, and negative health consequences.

10. Listen to Your Body’s ‘No’

Pay attention to what your body is saying ’no’ to, especially during times of hormonal changes or stress, as these insights can lead to wisdom and better health rather than suffering.

11. Prioritize Playfulness and Joy

Actively incorporate play and joy into your life and relationships, as play is a fundamental, evolutionarily determined aspect of human well-being, essential for being present and happy.

12. Cultivate Intrinsic Self-Worth

Recognize that your value is intrinsic and innate, not dependent on achievements or external qualities, to avoid constantly needing to prove your existence.

13. Use Disease as a Teacher

If diagnosed with an illness, allow it to serve as a catalyst for self-awareness, learning, and making changes that can lead to a better quality of life.

14. Reflect on Overwork’s True Drivers

If you find yourself consistently overworking or not taking entitled leave, reflect on the unconscious needs or childhood traumas that might be driving this behavior, rather than genuine necessity.

15. Pursue Purpose Without Drivenness

Strive to achieve your purpose and share your insights without the excessive drivenness that sacrifices personal connection and heart, recognizing that impact can be made without self-consumption.

16. Seek Growth in Wisdom and Appreciation

As you grow older, focus on growth in wisdom, appreciation for life, and understanding what truly matters, rather than solely chronological progression.

17. Allow Children Emotional Expression

Provide children with the freedom to experience and express all their emotions for healthy brain development, validating their feelings without punishing them.

18. Practice Authoritative Parenting

Be an authoritative parent by being in charge, validating children’s emotions, holding them through difficult feelings, and teaching age-appropriate expression, ensuring they feel loved throughout.

19. Prioritize Early Childhood Environment

Advocate for and create calm environments with present parents and good nutrition during early childhood, recognizing its profound impact on a child’s mental and physical health decades later.

20. Doctors: Address Emotions & Refer

Medical professionals should acknowledge the inextricable link between emotions and physical health, address their own emotional well-being, and, if not personally trained, refer patients to explore these connections with specialists.