For long-term listeners, Dr Gabor Maté needs little introduction. This episode will be his fourth appearance since we first met in 2018 and I cherish our meaningful, valuable conversations. Gabor is a fellow physician, renowned author, speaker and friend. His is one of the most important voices globally on health, trauma, stress, addiction, and childhood development.
Gabor believes that many of the physical and mental conditions doctors see can be traced back to our earliest experiences and subsequent environmental influences. In his most recent book, The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness and Healing in a Toxic Culture, he joins the dots between individual trauma and the pressures of modern-day living.
We begin by discussing what’s behind the current mental health epidemic. In the UK, one in six people over the age of 16 report moderate to severe depression; eight million people have an anxiety disorder. The statistics are more startling in North America. It’s almost ‘normal’ to have some sort of mental health dysfunction. Gabor and I explore our current day mental health epidemic, discuss the causes and potential solutions.
Gabor explains that the most important factor for good mental health throughout life is the parent-child relationship, especially in the early years. Children need parents and caregivers who are present and emotionally attuned. Sadly, these days, the stresses of modern life can prevent some parents from being able to provide these things, despite their best intentions.
We discuss the various ingredients that all human brains need for healthy development, the critical need within all of us to be able to express our authentic selves, why blaming and shaming is unnecessary and unhelpful and the importance of being open and vulnerable.
We also discuss, in depth, Gabor’s recent live interview with Prince Harry, which received a significant amount of negative press. As is often the case, parts of the interview were used out of context across mainstream and social media, and what in my view, was a thoughtful, enlightening exploration of mental health became widely misrepresented and misunderstood.
This public criticism certainly took its toll on Gabor and he openly shares what he has personally learned by going through this experience. We also explore what Prince Harry’s story (and the polarising views that surround it) can potentially teach all of us, both individually and societally.
This really was a special conversation. A conversation that, at its core, has a message of hope and optimism. It is only by recognising where we currently are, that we can move on and create a better future. Gabor and I discuss the practical steps we can all take in order to better our lives and heal.
Thanks to our
Actionable Insights
1. Seize Responsibility for Healing
Understand the root causes of your challenges to take responsibility and find healing, rather than remaining in a state of victimization.
2. Understand Trauma for Empowerment
Seek to understand the source of your past traumas and suffering as a path to empowerment and healing, rather than remaining stuck.
3. Heal Trauma for Liberation
Recognize and heal trauma to liberate yourself from unconscious forces that control your life, moving from being a ‘puppet’ to a ‘real boy’.
4. Break Generational Trauma Cycles
Be determined not to pass on your own pain and emotional deprivation to your children; actively heal your trauma to prevent its transmission.
5. Embrace Vulnerability, Especially for Men
Recognize that suppressing vulnerability is a significant source of dysfunction; embrace it as a fundamental human quality essential for healing and emotional well-being.
6. Express Your Authentic Self
Allow yourself the freedom to experience and express all your emotions for healthy brain development and overall well-being.
7. Heal Your Trauma, Not Your Guilt
Understand that past hurts to children are often due to a parent’s own unresolved trauma, not deliberate malice. Focus on healing your trauma to reduce passing it on, rather than succumbing to guilt or shame.
8. Ask for Help and Practice Compassion
When struggling, reach out for help, demonstrating strength through vulnerability. Cultivate compassion for critics by understanding their actions may stem from their own pain and experiences.
9. Prioritize Early Parent-Child Relationship
Focus on creating a safe, secure, and emotionally attuned attachment relationship with children, especially in their early years, for healthy mental development.
10. Foster Independence by Inviting Dependence
Meet a child’s genuine needs for dependence, belonging, connection, and attachment, as this naturally fosters their development into independent individuals.
11. Provide Safe Space for Emotional Expression
Create or seek safe, non-judgmental spaces where emotions can be freely expressed and processed, aiding in the resolution of mental health symptoms.
12. Destigmatize Mental Health Through Openness
Talk openly about your own mental health challenges and traumas, owning them to destigmatize these issues and prevent others from feeling isolated or deficient.
13. Acknowledge Mental Health as Spectrum
Accept that everyone is on a mental health spectrum and experiences challenges, fostering open conversations and recognizing resistance often stems from personal fear or trauma.
14. Act on New Awareness
Recognize that gaining awareness of your patterns and past influences is over 50% of the healing journey; once you know better, strive to do better.
15. Medication as Bridge, Not Cure
Use medications if needed during difficult times to manage symptoms, but recognize they do not heal the underlying issues; true healing requires deeper self-work.
16. Connect with Nature
Spend time outdoors in nature for its harmonizing and healing effects, counteracting societal disconnection and promoting well-being.
17. Practice Mindfulness and Meditation
Engage in mindfulness practices, such as mindful eating and walking, or meditation, to cultivate awareness for personal healing.
18. Cultivate Grounding Relationships
Nurture intimate relationships that provide a ‘reality check,’ ground you, and help you confront your issues, as these are important for healing.
19. Engage in Service to Others
Live a life of service by giving to others, which can be an incredibly healing experience beyond personal acquisition and achievement.
20. Explore Spirituality
Cultivate a sense of spirituality, recognizing connection to something larger than oneself, which can be incredibly healing, whatever form it takes for you.
21. Utilize Free Resources for Healing
Access free online content, books from libraries, peer counseling groups, journaling, or art to gain self-awareness and support for healing. Also, ask trusted friends to listen without judgment.
22. Explore Diverse Therapy Modalities
Investigate various therapeutic approaches like Internal Family Systems, Compassion Inquiry, Somatic Experiencing, or EMDR, which address underlying traumatic conditions for healing.
23. Consider Psychedelic-Assisted Healing
In the right context and with awareness of risks, psychedelics may help redefine reality, reveal unconscious insights, and facilitate profound healing.