Prioritize self-reflection by examining your own patterns, understanding why you do what you do, and addressing your ‘critical voice’ before trying to effectively parent, as this foundational self-work is crucial for good parenting.
When you experience a particularly charged emotional reaction, especially towards your child, stop and don’t assume it’s solely about the current scenario; instead, trace the pattern of that emotion back to its origins in your past to understand its true source.
Integrate daily downtime into your routine, stepping away from constant activity, tech, and emails, as this reflective space is essential for processing emotions and understanding your patterns.
During blank moments like a bus journey, resist the urge to fill them with your phone; instead, sit, look out the window, and allow thoughts and reflections to naturally emerge.
When you realize you’ve misunderstood, misattuned, or wrongly shouted at your child, apologize and take responsibility by saying, ‘I shouldn’t have done that. It was my fault. It’s not you. It’s me,’ to repair the relationship and build closer connections.
Be authentic with your children, admitting when you are wrong and not misrepresenting reality, because interfering with their instincts by being inauthentic can dull their intelligence and hinder a close connection.
When your child struggles, like with shoelaces, offer patient encouragement (‘You take your time… You’re going to get the hang of it’) instead of pushing them away or doing it for them, especially if their struggle triggers your own past vulnerabilities.
Actively strive to be more present with your children, even while planning for the future, as focusing on them in the moment fosters connection and they teach us the value of the present.
Let children experience boredom and resist giving them phones to fill the time, as boredom is a crucial catalyst for developing creativity and independent thought.
Ensure your child receives warmth, acceptance, physical touch, your physical presence, love, boundaries, understanding, play with diverse age groups, soothing experiences, and ample attention and time to foster their well-being.
Recognize that despite inevitable mistakes and ‘cock-ups,’ children are resilient and grow up, so practice self-forgiveness and offer yourself the same understanding you wish to give your kids.
When you make a mistake in your parenting, simply acknowledge it by saying ‘my bad’ (or similar), as this simple admission makes a significant difference in repairing the relationship.
Refrain from labeling yourself as a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ parent, as this leads to defensiveness and misrepresents the complex, human nature of the parent-child relationship, which involves constant attunement and misattunement.
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