What does the word forgiveness mean to you? If the very idea of letting go of a past hurt makes you feel indignant or upset, then listening to this podcast could be one of the best gifts you give yourself.
Today’s guest wants us all to understand why forgiveness matters for our mental and physical health. Dr Frederic Luskin is a clinical psychologist, researcher and speaker who has been teaching at Stanford University for the past 30 years. As Director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Projects, he has taught tens of thousands of people to live happier and more fulfilled lives through the practice of forgiveness, gratitude and meditation.
Although 20 years old, his book Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness, is as relevant today as it ever was. Based on groundbreaking scientific research, it provides practical strategies for letting go of grudges and resentments. And offers startling insight into the healing powers and medical benefits of forgiveness, and its profound impact on our lives.
Fred explains how our past hurts are stored in our bodies. People who are able to forgive are physically more relaxed. Their blood pressure and central nervous system normalise, their perception of pain lowers, their risk of depression and anxiety goes down. Crucially, their relationships are more open and trusting, so they feel less alone.
This is such powerful knowledge to have. Most of us can probably think of an example where we’ve allowed something that’s happened in the past to sabotage our present. Not letting go of old hurts can be a way of trying to protect ourselves and control the future. But Fred points out this is a coping mechanism to stop us acknowledging when we are vulnerable. True resilience means sitting with that discomfort and learning that it will pass.
Of course this doesn’t mean we don’t have a right to be devastated if our partner has an affair or our boss treats us badly. It’s vital to feel the hurt and process your feelings, says Fred. But if you’re still living in the negative emotions months or years later, it’s time to move on.
If that sounds easier said than done, rest assured that Fred has plenty of inspiring examples and practical suggestions to help you forgive. He is adamant that forgiveness is a choice and a skill anyone can learn. And you start by giving yourself permission to enjoy your present and future, unbound by the past.
I really enjoyed my conversation with Fred and completely agree with him that forgiveness is an undervalued human skill. It may feel hard to access, but it is a brave choice and one that in any given situation will trigger a cascade of rewards. I hope this conversation prompts you to reconsider some of your past hurts and move forwards with self-compassion and freedom.
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Actionable Insights
1. Embrace Forgiveness as Skill
Recognize that forgiveness is a choice and a trainable skill that anyone can learn, empowering you to actively practice it rather than viewing it as an innate ability.
2. Process Hurt, Then Move On
Allow yourself a healthy period of grief to process painful experiences, but commit to moving on within a reasonable timeframe (e.g., 6 months to 2 years for major offenses) to prevent long-term suffering.
3. Reframe Past Experiences
Actively re-evaluate and re-explain past negative events to yourself, transforming them into processed experiences that no longer serve as a wound dragging you down in the present.
4. Take Responsibility for Feelings
Understand that your current feelings and thoughts are generated inside of you, making them your responsibility to manage rather than solely blaming past events or other people.
5. Cultivate Vulnerability and Resilience
Sit with the discomfort of your vulnerability and learn that difficult feelings will pass, which builds true resilience and reduces the need for emotional armoring or control.
6. Give Up Hope for Past
Accept that the past cannot be changed; forgiveness involves giving up all hope for a better past, allowing you to focus on the present and future.
7. Forgive for Your Own Well-being
Understand that forgiveness is primarily for your own healing and peace, not about condoning the offender’s actions or reconciling with them.
8. Separate Forgiveness from Reconciliation
Recognize that you can forgive someone for your own inner peace and healing without necessarily restoring the relationship or excusing their behavior.
9. Stop Dwelling on Hurts
Consciously try not to dwell on past hurts; reframe ‘I can’t stop thinking about it’ to ‘it’s hard for me, but I want to learn to’ to shift your mindset towards actionable change.
10. Shift Perspective: Past to Present
Redirect your energy from focusing on what happened in the past to what you are doing now, what you can change, and how you can be better in your life in the present moment.
11. Practice Calming Techniques
When feeling upset about past events, use calming exercises like a couple of slow, deep belly breaths and recalling memories of being loved or feeling safe to quiet your mind and body.
12. Develop Realistic Relationship Expectations
Cultivate a realistic view of relationships, acknowledging that partners will make mistakes and disappoint you sometimes, and learn to love them even when they don’t do what you want.
13. Self-Forgiveness: Remorse, Apology, Amends
To forgive yourself, genuinely feel remorse for what you did, practice sincere apologies (to yourself or others), and make amends where possible to right any wrongs.
14. Avoid Expecting Apologies
While a sincere apology is a gift that makes forgiveness easier, do not make your healing dependent on receiving one, as this gives others control over your nervous system.
15. Look for Love, Beauty, Kindness
Actively seek out and notice the goodness, beauty, and kindness in your surroundings and in others, which helps counteract negativity bias and fosters an open heart.
16. Practice Daily Gratitude
Cultivate a daily gratitude practice, as being more grateful helps you see things more realistically and increases your likelihood of forgiving others.
17. Change Your Personal Narrative
Actively shift your self-story from being a victim of past events to a hero who has bravely handled adversity and made the choice to forgive.
18. Connect with Love or Nature
If struggling with bitterness, consciously connect with memories of being loved or appreciate the beauty of nature, as these positive experiences are incompatible with bitterness.
19. Teach Others What You Learn
Share insights and practices with others, as teaching not only helps them but also reinforces your own learning and retention of the information.
20. Explore Dr. Chatterjee’s Resources
Sign up for Dr. Chatterjee’s free weekly ‘Friday Five’ email for simple ideas to improve your health and happiness, and explore his five bestselling books for further guidance.
21. Share the Podcast
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