← Feel Better, Live More with Dr Rangan Chatterjee

A Monk's Guide To Happiness, Fearless Living & Thriving in Hard Times with Gelong Thubten #387

Sep 26, 2023 2h 5m 42 insights
What if the most courageous, compassionate thing you could do in life, was to learn how to be with yourself? It’s a powerful, perhaps surprising idea put forward by this week’s guest, the Buddhist monk, meditation teacher and author Gelong Thubten.    Thubten became a monk back in 1993 after suffering from severe physical and mental burnout whilst following his dream of becoming an actor in New York City.   His new book, A Handbook for Hard Times: A Monk’s Guide to Fearless Living, draws on what he’s learned over the past 30 years. Its premise is that we can embrace life’s difficulties as opportunities for personal transformation, using hard times to cultivate resilience, kindness, and happiness.   We begin our conversation talking about distraction and addiction, two states that are very closely linked. When we distract ourselves by scrolling, overeating, or drinking for example, says Thubten, we’re pushing away emotional pain or discomfort – even if we may not realise it. But the discomfort is really in the pushing. If we can learn instead to sit with what’s making us uncomfortable, those emotions start to transform.   So, how exactly are we meant to do this? Thubten explains that one way is through the practice of meditation and learning how to process negative emotions in the moment, rather than only understanding them in retrospect.    The most common misconception is that meditation needs a clear mind. But thoughts are inevitable, and the goal is not to push them away. If we use meditation to sit with our thoughts, rather than escape them, the transformations really start to happen. We become less controlled by negative emotions and start to cultivate positive ones. Meditation can unlock our innate self-compassion and this, in turn, improves our relationship with ourselves and with others.   Thubten insists that you can’t fail at meditation, because it really just means ‘being you’. The more we meditate, the less we run away from hard times and fear, and the more we become our true, contented selves.   Thubten is an excellent communicator and I hope you enjoy this really special episode. Support the podcast and enjoy Ad-Free episodes. Try FREE for 7 days on Apple Podcasts https://apple.co/feelbetterlivemore. For other podcast platforms go to https://fblm.supercast.com. Show notes https://drchatterjee.com/387
Actionable Insights

1. Learn to Be With Yourself

Cultivate the courageous and compassionate practice of learning how to be with yourself, as it is a powerful idea for personal transformation.

2. Embrace “Doing Nothing” in Meditation

Understand that meditation is about “doing nothing” and undoing habits of running away from yourself; by simply being you and relaxing into your essence, you cannot fail and will discover inner happiness.

3. Meditate 10 Minutes Daily

Practice meditation for at least 10 minutes a day, as neuroscientific evidence shows visible brain changes even after a few days, leading to increased calmness, reduced stress, and greater happiness over time.

4. Sit With Discomfort to Transform Emotions

Instead of pushing away emotional pain or discomfort through distractions, learn to sit with what’s making you uncomfortable, as this allows those emotions to transform.

5. Sit With Thoughts During Meditation

Use meditation to sit with your thoughts rather than trying to escape them, as this approach leads to genuine transformations and helps you become less controlled by negative emotions.

6. Change Relationship with Thoughts

Understand that meditation is not about clearing your mind, but about changing your dynamic and relationship with your thoughts, learning to relate to them differently rather than trying to get rid of them.

7. Embrace Distraction in Meditation

View distractions during meditation as beneficial opportunities to build mental strength; noticing your mind has wandered and gently returning to your focus (e.g., breath) is the core practice that makes you stronger.

8. Practice Breath Counting Meditation

Focus on your normal breathing, mentally counting cycles (in and out is one), and when your mind wanders, gently return to the breath and start counting again, which builds focus and presence.

9. Work With Body Sensations

When going through difficult times, focus on the physical sensations of discomfort (tightness, turbulence) in your body through meditation, rather than getting lost in the thoughts or storyline.

10. Develop Relationship with Pain

Use meditation to develop a creative relationship with your own pain and suffering, rather than always trying to let go, which helps you work with it differently and transform it.

11. Give Compassion to Painful Feelings

When experiencing painful emotions like depression or anxiety, learn to give a sense of compassion and love directly to those feelings, rather than feeling shame, to allow them to shift, change, and relax.

12. Transform Unhappiness for Stable Happiness

Learn what to do with your unhappiness to break through and find stable happiness, as it is the key to a doorway.

13. Embrace Difficulties as Opportunities

View life’s difficulties and hard times as opportunities for personal transformation to cultivate resilience, kindness, and happiness.

14. Reframe Hard Times for Growth

Change your perspective on hard times, seeing them as fertile ground that can benefit you by cultivating compassion, resilience, and strength.

15. Use Life’s Difficulties as Compost

View all the difficult or painful experiences in your life, which you might normally discard, as “compost” to be used as fertilizer for your meditation path, fostering growth through suffering.

16. Commit to Working With Whatever Happens

Adopt a liberating and powerful mindset by committing to work with whatever happens in life and use it in meditation, rather than being a victim dependent on external circumstances.

17. Dismantle Resistance to Stress

Understand that stress is resistance to a situation; learn to dismantle this resistance to reduce or eliminate the feeling of stress, even in conventionally stressful situations.

18. Actively Embrace Discomfort

Practice acceptance as an active state of mind by embracing uncomfortable situations or feelings with compassion, loving-kindness, and openness, moving into them rather than pushing them away.

19. Work With Inevitable Dissatisfaction

Recognize that a sense of incompleteness or dissatisfaction is an inevitable part of life, but learn to work with it rather than being oppressed by it, choosing to “sink or swim.”

20. Control Perception, Not Events

Realize that you have control and choice over how you perceive things and the world, rather than feeling like the world is happening to you, to break free from limiting patterns.

21. Change Reactive Habits

Practice changing habits of reactivity by learning not to get triggered by others’ comments, creating space, and understanding that their behavior may not be about you, fostering compassion and acceptance.

22. Transform Blame with Compassion

Transform internal blame, upset, and anger through forgiveness and compassion, sometimes by putting yourself in another person’s shoes, to change your relationship with difficult people or situations.

23. Practice Forgiveness for Self-Liberation

Understand that forgiveness is primarily about dropping your own burden of anger and suffering, freeing yourself from re-traumatization, rather than being about the other person.

24. Examine Anger Itself

When feeling angry, shift your focus to the anger itself rather than the external person or situation, as this helps break the habit of anger and prevents it from proliferating.

25. Meditate on Anger’s Physical Sensation

When experiencing anger, remove the storyline and meditate directly on the physical feeling of anger in your body, focusing on it without judgment or trying to push it away, allowing it to transform and dissipate.

26. Use Triggering Events for Self-Inquiry

When a heavy emotion or social friction arises, view it as an opportunity to inquire into its origins, asking “What is this emotion? Where has it come from? What is underpinning it?” to foster self-transformation.

27. Practice Empathetic Reframing

When dealing with others, adopt the phrase “If I was that other person, I’d be doing exactly the same as them” to lead with compassion, reduce emotional triggering, and better address situations from a calmer state.

28. Reclaim Inner Power from Intoxicants

Give up relying on external intoxicants (like alcohol or caffeine) for relaxation, as this allows you to discover and cultivate internal power, autonomy, and strength to feel relaxed and happy independently.

29. Cultivate Internal Happiness

Focus on cultivating and recycling your own internal happiness rather than constantly needing more from outside sources, which is essential for sustainable well-being.

30. Reduce Negative Emotional Influence

Recognize that while emotions are not inherently wrong, being overly driven by core emotions like fear, desire, or anger leads to suffering; aim to be less negatively influenced by them.

31. Go Beneath Emotions to Essence

When caught up in emotions like desire, anger, or fear, practice going beneath the emotion and its distracting story to connect with your inner essence, where you can discover peace and happiness.

32. Be Intentional with Consumption

Be very intentional about what content you consume and how often, as your thoughts and ideas are often downstream of the content you’re consuming.

33. Use Technology as Nutrition

Approach technology consumption with discipline, similar to food as nutrition, using it in a balanced and healthy way rather than consuming it endlessly like sugar.

34. Take Regular Social Media Breaks

Periodically disengage from social media and online content (e.g., for six weeks) to tune into yourself, realize you have enough, and cultivate a heightened sense of calm and contentedness without external influence.

35. Practice Portable Meditation

Engage in formal meditation practice, distinct from other activities, because it is a portable skill that you can take with you anywhere to achieve a calm, balanced state, even in stressful situations without equipment.

36. Use Annoying Sounds as Mindfulness Cues

Reframe oppressive or harsh sounds (like clanging metal in a prison) as mindful moments, using them as opportunities to practice mindfulness and change your view of the sound.

37. Practice Situational Mindfulness

In stressful or uncomfortable situations (e.g., on a crowded train), intentionally practice mindfulness by feeling the ground under your feet, relaxing your shoulders, and being aware of your body to change your relationship with stress and enjoy the moment.

38. Cultivate Compassion and Service

Make it a daily practice to cultivate more compassion for yourself and others, and strive to be of help and service, as this is an ever-evolving path to personal growth.

39. Improve Self-Relationship for Others

Change, improve, and transform your relationship with yourself, as this becomes the source for improved relationships with others, where compassion for self and others work as a unity.

40. Model Unconditional Love for All Beings

Use the unconditional love experienced between parents and children as a model to develop and extend a similar pure love, without wanting something back, towards all other beings.

41. Expand Unconditional Love Through Meditation

Begin a meditation by focusing on someone you love unconditionally (e.g., a child or pet) until that feeling naturally flows, then intentionally expand and send that same love to other people, including strangers and those you dislike.

42. Be Aware of Ego’s Seduction

When experiencing success or positive external validation, be mindful and notice the ego’s buzz and seductive nature in yourself, rather than letting it control you.