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A Monk's Guide To Finding Happiness, Cultivating Inner Peace & Slowing Down In A Fast-Paced World: Haemin Sunim #476

Sep 17, 2024 1h 53m 36 insights
What if the key to happiness and fulfilment was not changing our external circumstances but learning to appreciate and understand our inner world? This powerful idea is at the heart of this week's conversation with Buddhist monk and author Haemin Sunim. Haemin is a Zen Buddhist teacher and the author of two Sunday Times bestselling books, including his very latest, the beautiful: ‘When Things Don’t Go Your Way: Zen Wisdom for Difficult Times.’    Haemin was born in South Korea, educated at Berkeley, Harvard, and Princeton, and received formal monastic training in Korea. When not travelling to share his teachings, he resides in Seoul, where he founded the Dharma Illumination Zen Center, offering meditation retreats and counselling programs. We begin our conversation exploring the tension between personal aspirations and societal expectations, what Haemin calls the "me of me" versus the "me of others." This internal conflict, he believes, is at the root of much of our stress and unhappiness.   We also discuss the importance of slowing down and being present, and how, in our rush to achieve and reach our goals, we can often miss the beauty and richness of our current experiences. With that in mind, Haemin shares some practical tips for mindfulness, that can help us reconnect with ourselves and the world around us.   A key theme in this conversation is the interconnected nature of all things. Haemin explains how adopting this worldview can profoundly affect our happiness and sense of purpose. We also discuss the power of listening, the importance of solitude, and the crucially important notion that we always have a choice in how we interpret and respond to life's challenges. And, even when things don't go our way, there's always an opportunity for growth and unexpected joy.   This is a beautiful conversation, full of deep and practical insights that I’m sure will help you find greater peace, purpose and contentment.    Support the podcast and enjoy Ad-Free episodes. Try FREE for 7 days on Apple Podcasts https://apple.co/feelbetterlivemore. For other podcast platforms go to https://fblm.supercast.com. Thanks to our
Actionable Insights

1. Choose Your Life’s Interpretation

Recognize that life experiences are raw data, and you have the choice to interpret them as either victimizing or as opportunities for growth and learning, rather than feeling controlled by external circumstances.

2. Cultivate a ‘Don’t Know’ Mindset

Approach all situations with an open ‘don’t know’ mind, rather than assuming you know the outcome, to relax, embrace new possibilities, and experience an enriching life regardless of whether things go as planned.

3. Recognize Life’s Impermanence

In daily life, observe the impermanence of all experiences, even annoying ones, to quickly let go of negative feelings and prevent them from lingering, understanding that whatever bothered you is no longer present.

4. Decide to Enjoy Life

Proactively decide to enjoy and appreciate the present moment, rather than reactively waiting for circumstances to dictate your feelings, as this intention makes appreciation easier and prevents life from passing by unnoticed.

5. Stop Seeking External Happiness

Realize that the constant seeking of happiness or enlightenment in external places or future experiences is often the cause of unhappiness; true happiness resides in being content and grateful in the present moment.

6. Cultivate Gratitude Daily

Actively look for things to be grateful for, even small ones, as practicing gratitude attracts more blessings and unexpected opportunities, unlike cynicism which is unhelpful in the long run.

7. Appreciate What You Can’t Own

Shift your focus from owning things to appreciating experiences you cannot own (e.g., sunlight, laughter, nature’s beauty), as slowing down to appreciate these brings happiness into your life.

8. Embrace Tranquil Silence

After a thought ends, tune into the tranquil silence before the next thought, as this empty and transparent awareness is your true nature and a source of peace and bliss.

9. Examine Unexpressed Emotions

Instead of blaming others for unhappiness, take time to examine your own unexpressed emotions and needs, as they might be the root cause of recurring problems that you haven’t dealt with.

10. Sit With Challenging Emotions

Instead of running away or ignoring difficult emotions, sit with them to allow them to reveal truths and lessons about yourself, which helps them dissipate and prevents them from continuously influencing you.

11. Observe Anger Quietly

When angry, quietly observe the energy of the emotion, recognizing and naming it, as this allows it to naturally change shape and disappear, often within about 90 seconds for psychological emotions.

12. Tune Into Your Body’s Wisdom

Regularly check in with your body (shoulders, gut, etc.) to understand subconscious influences and unacknowledged impacts, as the body is wiser than we think and doesn’t lie about repressed emotions or stress.

13. Practice Body Scan Meditation

Perform a simple meditation by scanning through your body from head to feet, observing sensations without judgment, as this acknowledgement helps tension release naturally without conscious effort.

14. Acknowledge Bodily Tension

Pay attention to bodily tension with an intention of care and love, as this acknowledgement itself helps relax and release the tension, giving the body the energy of care it needs.

15. Control Your Ambition

Control your ambition to avoid overextending yourself, which protects your health, balances your mind, and allows you to find happiness in small things, creating a positive feedback loop.

16. Investigate Ambition’s Roots

Instead of solely pursuing external goals to feel worthy, investigate the underlying feelings of lack or past experiences that drive excessive ambition, addressing the source directly to find true contentment.

17. Think Less About Yourself

Shift focus away from self-obsessive thinking; making other people happy often leads to greater personal happiness, as we live in an interconnected web of reality.

18. Focus on Others’ Happiness

Actively make other people happy, as this is a sure way to become happier yourself, recognizing that the well-being of those around you influences your own.

19. Volunteer for Meaning and Happiness

Engage in volunteer work, such as helping homeless people, to find a sense of meaning in life and experience increased happiness, as it gets you out of self-obsessive thinking.

20. Make Micro Connections with Others

Engage in small, friendly interactions with people you encounter daily (e.g., supermarket staff) to experience a boost in well-being and feel more connected to the world, even for just five minutes.

21. Cultivate Daily Solitude

Spend time alone, ideally in nature and without your cell phone, for 30 minutes to an hour, to cultivate peace, restore balance, and reconnect with yourself and nature.

22. Establish a Personal Sacred Space

Find or create a specific ‘sacred space’ (e.g., a quiet corner at home, a favorite spot in a park, a local coffee shop) where you can go regularly to relax, be yourself, and enjoy moments of solitude.

23. Check Body for Self-Care Balance

Continuously check in with your body to gauge your energy levels; if you feel extremely tired from helping others, it’s a sign to prioritize self-care and nourish yourself to maintain balance.

24. Ask for Help (Vulnerability)

Overcome the tendency for excessive self-reliance by practicing vulnerability and asking for help when you are struggling, as people are often willing to assist, and we are interdependent beings.

25. Listen Empathically to Others

Listen to others with empathy, allowing them to feel heard and witnessed, as people often know their own answers but need a space to untangle their thoughts and discover them.

26. Interact with ‘Zero’ Mindset

In relationships, especially long-term ones, interact with others as if it’s the first time you’ve met them, avoiding assumptions and judgments to foster genuine curiosity and new discoveries.

27. Avoid Asking About Others’ Opinions

Do not ask what others have said about you, as people’s opinions often reflect their own experiences rather than an objective truth about you, and focusing on your own pure intentions is more important.

28. Release Control Over Others

Recognize the impossibility of controlling how others think or what they say about you, as letting go of this desire frees you from significant psychological stress and struggle.

29. Validate Your Own Achievements

Instead of seeking external validation, become your own validator by writing down and celebrating all the wonderful things you’ve achieved over the years, recognizing your worth and contributions.

30. Text Gratitude to Buddy/Self

Send text messages to a ‘gratitude buddy’ or yourself whenever you feel grateful, creating a list to review when feeling down and fostering more gratitude in your life.

31. Find Small, Certain Happiness

Actively seek out small, reliable sources of happiness in daily life, such as the smell of coffee or warmth of the sun, and intentionally engage with them repeatedly to cultivate contentment.

32. Periodically Pause and Slow Down

Regularly take pauses to slow down, which enables you to truly see and appreciate life as it unfolds, preventing it from passing by unnoticed and allowing you to enjoy the process.

33. Leave Early for Breathing Space

Leave home five minutes earlier for work or appointments to create breathing space, reduce rushing, and allow yourself to relax during your commute, rather than mindlessly checking your phone.

34. Seek Understanding Before Forgiveness

To forgive, first try to understand the life experiences that led a person to behave in a hurtful way, as this understanding softens the heart and allows for release, rather than judging them as evil.

35. Practice Walking Meditation Mindfully

Walk as though your feet are kissing the earth, focusing on the process of walking itself rather than just the destination, to cultivate mindfulness, presence, and appreciation for the journey.

36. Maintain an Open Mind

Avoid quickly concluding that things not going your way is inherently bad; maintain an open mind, as unexpected opportunities or different forms of happiness may arise from such experiences.