#72 - Dan Harris: 10% happier – meditation, kindness, and compassion

Sep 23, 2019 2h 24m 21 insights

In this episode, Dan Harris, correspondent for ABC News and co-founder of the Ten Percent Happier meditation app, speaks openly about his struggles with self-centeredness, addiction, depression, emotional volatility, and the deep-rooted insecurities that drove him to career success. He tells the story of how a panic attack on live TV lead him down a path of self-discovery culminating in a meditation practice which has since transformed his life—in terms of his own personal suffering, his relationships with those closest to him, and his ability to be kind and compassionate (which has its own selfish advantages). Dan also shares some very practical advice and tips for new meditators, dispels some of the myths around meditation, and gives people some things to look forward to as they progress with their practice. Last but not least, we talk about the importance of not passing shame and trauma to our kids and the role that mindfulness and meditation plays in that. <ul> <li>Dan's meditation book, and the panic attack on live TV that started it all [8:00]; </li> <li>Addiction: the spectrum of addiction, the socially acceptable forms, and Dan's own battle with addiction and depression [13:30]; </li> <li>Dan's drive for self-protection, a defining moment of childhood, and how his upbringing shaped him [20:30]; </li> <li>A selfish reason to be kind and compassionate [28:30]; </li> <li>Using mindfulness to avoid being controlled by your emotions such as anger and grandiosity [36:15]; </li> <li>How Dan found meditation, and how he went from skeptic to someone willing to try it [40:45]; </li> <li>Advice for new meditators, misconceptions about meditation, and the difference between changes in state vs. changes in trait [48:00]; </li> <li>Difference between being "mindful" versus being "present" [55:00]; </li> <li>The overlap between psychology and Buddhism, who is the real Buddha, and a Buddhism 101 lesson [57:45]; </li> <li>What convinced Dan to finally try meditation, and how did his first session go? [1:05:30]; </li> <li>Lessons from Dan's 10-day silent retreat: "You're trying too hard" [1:12:30]; </li> <li>How Dan's meditation has evolved over 10 years of practice [1:27:30]; </li> <li>Dan's 360 Review: A painful process illuminating his selfishness, and putting him on a path to more kindness and compassion [1:30:45]; </li> <li>How to quiet mental suffering in tough times, and how meditation has helped (and not helped) Dan get through some of the hardest moments of his life [1:41:30]; </li> <li>How Dan's practice has made him a better husband [1:47:45]; </li> <li>How to prevent the transference of trauma and shame to your kids [1:50:45]; </li> <li>Does past trauma drive successful people? Can a person be successful professionally if they give up that negative insecurity that is driving them? [1:56:00]; </li> <li>The pillars of emotional health, and how to help yourself when you feel insecure [2:08:30]; </li> <li>Why it's important to let your kids see that you are a flawed human [2:11:30]; </li> <li>Learning from the incredible (but flawed) Peter Jennings [2:15:15]; </li> <li>When is Dan's next book coming out? [2:21:15]; and</li> <li>More. </li> </ul> Learn more: <a href="https://peterattiamd.com/">https://peterattiamd.com/</a> Show notes page for this episode: <a href="https://peterattiamd.com/danharris/">https://peterattiamd.com/danharris/</a> Subscribe to receive exclusive subscriber-only content: <a href="https://peterattiamd.com/subscribe/">https://peterattiamd.com/subscribe/</a> Sign up to receive Peter's email newsletter: <a href="https://peterattiamd.com/newsletter/">https://peterattiamd.com/newsletter/</a> Connect with Peter on <a href="http://Facebook.com/PeterAttiaMD">Faceboo</a>k | <a href="http://Twitter.com/PeterAttiaMD">Twitter</a> | <a href="http://Instagram.com/PeterAttiaMD">Instagram</a>.

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Actionable Insights

1. Understand Addiction as Spectrum

Recognize that addiction isn’t limited to substance abuse but extends to many behaviors like phone use, professional success, or shopping. Identifying these patterns is a critical first step towards change and self-awareness.

2. Cultivate Mindfulness for Self-Awareness

Develop the ability to know what’s happening in your mind at any given moment without being carried away by it. This skill, primarily developed through meditation, helps you observe your inner weather without being consumed by it.

3. Recognize Thoughts Are Not You

Become aware of the constant inner dialogue and understand that this stream of thoughts is separate from your true self. Unobserved, this ‘voice in your head’ can be a significant source of suffering.

4. Meditate for Trait Changes

Focus on how meditation improves your behavior and mindset in daily life (e.g., better responses to stress), rather than expecting constant bliss or calm during the meditation session itself. The goal is to get better at life, not just meditation.

5. Embrace Kindness for Well-being

Engage in acts of kindness and compassion, not just for altruism, but because it releases feel-good chemicals and improves your own happiness, health, and popularity. This ‘wise selfishness’ benefits both yourself and others.

6. Act on Kind Impulses

If you notice an impulse to give something or compliment someone, follow through. These small acts can make you feel good and have positive, unpredictable effects on your inner state and the world around you.

7. Reframe Anger and Grandiosity

Use mindfulness to observe the fleeting pleasure (the ‘honey tip’) of anger or grandiosity, and the subsequent negative feelings or shame (the ‘poison root’). This awareness helps break the cycle and allows for more skillful responses.

8. Explore Primordial Wounds

Work with a coach or therapist to uncover early life needs (love, safety, belonging) and how unaddressed issues from your past might be unconsciously controlling your adult life. Understanding these ‘five-year-old logic’ patterns is key to personal growth.

9. Avoid ‘Trying Too Hard’

Cultivate genuine surrender and allow whatever happens to happen during meditation, as excessive effort or desire for specific outcomes (like bliss or a breakthrough) can actually hinder the practice. It’s like a video game where not wanting to move forward is the only way to progress.

10. Respond to Distractions Warmly

When your mind wanders or judges yourself during meditation, respond with acceptance and warmth rather than self-flagellation. This fosters a more positive inner environment and teaches your mind that self-awareness isn’t a punishment.

11. Use Feedback for Growth

When confronted with critical feedback (e.g., a 360 review), approach it with curiosity and a desire to understand the underlying needs driving unskillful behaviors, rather than falling into shame or self-flagellation. Self-knowledge, though sometimes ‘bad news,’ is always useful.

12. Focus on Positive Feedback

Consciously direct your attention to positive comments when receiving mixed feedback to balance the natural evolutionary tendency to dwell on negatives. This helps counteract the negativity bias and provides a more balanced self-perception.

13. Model Flaws for Children

Allow your children to see your struggles, imperfections, and efforts to improve. This demonstrates that it’s okay to have flaws and to work on them, thereby reducing the transmission of shame and equipping them to relate to their own complexities.

14. Be of Service to Loved Ones

Step up to be useful and supportive to someone you love, especially during their suffering. Being of service feels inherently good (the ‘helper’s high’) and fosters deeper connection and personal growth.

15. Cultivate Better Communication Skills

Practice active listening and phrase assertions less provocatively to improve day-to-day interactions and foster smoother relationships. This involves training your baseline level of friendliness and ability to lean in.

16. Re-evaluate Professional Success

Consider if your current definition of success aligns with your overall well-being. It may be beneficial to shift focus from constant ambition to enjoying current work and pursuing other passions, even if it means stepping back from traditional career peaks.

17. Shift Motivations to Wholesome

Consciously work to reduce the influence of purely external drivers like seeking attention or wealth, and instead cultivate motivations rooted in service and genuine enjoyment. This allows you to operate from a ‘cooler space’ with less internal friction.

18. Operate from Feeling Safe

Recognize your baseline security and approach daily tasks and meetings from a relaxed, appreciative state, rather than being driven by high stakes or clenching up. This mindset can change how you show up and improve outcomes.

19. Be Patient with Meditation

Understand that meditation is not a magic fix but a gradual journey of marginal improvements, and occasional setbacks or ‘backsliding’ are a normal part of the process. Consistency over perfection is key.

20. Avoid Recreational Drugs

Do not use recreational drugs, especially cocaine, as they can alter brain chemistry and increase the likelihood of panic attacks and other adverse mental health outcomes. Seek healthier ways to cope with stress or depression.

21. Don’t Evangelize Meditation

While meditation can be transformative, avoid pushing it on others. Instead, share your personal experience and insights when it feels natural and productive, allowing others to discover it on their own terms.