← The Peter Attia Drive

#208 - Tragedy, grief, healing, and finding happiness | Kelsey Chittick

May 23, 2022 1h 54m 24 insights
<p class="p2"><span class="s1"><a href="https://peterattiamd.com/kelseychittick/?utm_source=podcast-feed&amp;utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=220523-pod-kelseychittick&amp;utm_content=220523-pod-kelseychittick-podfeed"> View the Show Notes Page for This Episode</a></span></p> <p class="p2"><span class="s1"><a href="https://peterattiamd.com/subscribe/?utm_source=podcast-feed&amp;utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=220523-pod-kelseychittick&amp;utm_content=220523-pod-kelseychittick-podfeed"> Become a Member to Receive Exclusive Content</a></span></p> <p class="p2"><span class="s1"><a href="https://peterattiamd.com/newsletter/?utm_source=podcast-feed&amp;utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=220523-pod-kelseychittick&amp;utm_content=220523-pod-kelseychittick-podfeed"> Sign Up to Receive Peter's Weekly Newsletter</a></span></p> <p class="p3">Kelsey Chittick is the author of <em>Second Half: Surviving Loss and Finding Magic in the Missing</em>. In this episode, Kelsey describes her long healing process following the sudden death of her husband, former NFL player Nate Hobgood-Chittick. She describes her life with Nate before and after football, including her premonitions that something was off about Nate and the subsequent finding that he suffered from chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE). She speaks openly about how she handled his death with her children, the trauma and grief they faced in the aftermath, and how she's found ways to be happy in her new life. She shares deep insights into her healing process, including her experience with psychedelics and how the concept of "radical acceptance" has helped her to find joy once again.</p> <p class="p3"><strong>We discuss:</strong></p> <ul class="ul1"> <li class="li3">Kelsey's childhood in Florida as an athlete [2:15];</li> <li class="li3">Meeting Nate and early relationship with him [7:45];</li> <li class="li3">Nate's unbelievable work ethic and desire to play in the NFL [12:30];</li> <li class="li3">Life with a professional football player, playing through pain, and head injuries related to football [17:00];</li> <li class="li3">Nate's final days of football and early retirement struggles [23:30];</li> <li class="li3">The tough transition from the NFL to a "regular life" and how Nate found a way to serve others [28:45];</li> <li class="li3">Nate's struggle with his weight and overall health after retirement [34:45];</li> <li class="li3">Kelsey's anxiety and premonitions of Nate's impending death, and Nate's changing demeanor [37:30];</li> <li class="li3">The traumatic experience of learning of Nate's death during her own spiritual journey to Jamaica [45:30];</li> <li class="li3">Breaking the news to her children of their father's death [51:00];</li> <li class="li3">The darkest days following Nate's passing and how her children were handling grief [55:30];</li> <li class="li3">A new relationship with death, finding happiness, and the duality of feelings [1:02:45];</li> <li class="li3">Nate's autopsy results showing evidence of CTE [1:07:00];</li> <li class="li3">The grieving process [1:15:00];</li> <li class="li3">Dealing with grief with kids and how children grieve differently [1:19:15];</li> <li class="li3">Healing through her first psychedelic experience [1:23:00];</li> <li class="li3">The therapeutic potential of psychedelics, meditation, and more [1:33:45];</li> <li class="li3">The concept of "radical acceptance" and the peace that comes with it [1:42:30];</li> <li class="li3">The up and down experience of writing her book [1:47:45];</li> <li class="li3">More.</li> </ul> <p class="p3">Connect With Peter on <a href="https://twitter.com/PeterAttiaMD"><span class="s3">Twitter</span></a>, <a href="https://www.instagram.com/peterattiamd/"><span class="s3">Instagram</span></a>, <a href="https://www.facebook.com/peterattiamd/"><span class="s3">Facebook</span></a> and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC8kGsMa0LygSX9nkBcBH1Sg"><span class="s3">YouTube</span></a></p>
Actionable Insights

1. Practice Radical Acceptance

Practice radical acceptance by letting go of resistance and wishing things were different, as this resistance is what causes suffering and prevents transformation. This mindset helps you navigate difficult realities by accepting ‘what is’ rather than fighting against it.

2. Commit to Daily Meditation

Adopt a militant daily meditation practice, like Kelsey did with Dispenza’s work, to cultivate peace, change thoughts, and gain agency over your feelings. Consistent meditation helps you recognize that feelings are transient and that you can influence your emotional state.

3. Integrate Psychedelics with Therapy

Combine psychedelic experiences with traditional therapy to maximize their potential as ’lubricants’ for difficult inner work, ensuring lasting trait changes beyond the altered state. This approach helps open blocked pathways and process trauma with support.

4. Cultivate Agency Over Feelings

Recognize that feelings are transient and that you have agency to change them by altering your thoughts or choosing to stop a thought, rather than being consumed by them. This practice helps you gain control over your emotional responses and fosters inner peace.

5. Build Resilience Through Consistent Work

Commit to consistent ‘work’ such as meditation, reading, and practicing gratitude, as these are the planks that build a bridge to overcome challenges and foster confidence. This ongoing effort supports your ability to navigate difficult periods and emerge stronger.

6. Actively Fight for Joy in Grief

Even in the midst of excruciating pain and grief, actively fight for and acknowledge joy, embracing the duality of experiencing both deep sorrow and happiness simultaneously. This approach allows for healing without denying the pain of loss.

7. Honor Deceased by Living Joyfully

Honor your lost loved ones by living the joyful life they would have wanted for you, rather than letting grief consume your future. This perspective reframes loss into a motivation for a fulfilling life.

8. Prioritize Presence in Relationships

Make a conscious effort to put away distractions like phones and be fully present with loved ones, fostering deeper connection and valuing shared moments. This simple act can significantly strengthen your bonds and create meaningful interactions.

9. Foster Relational Psychological Safety

Cultivate an environment of psychological safety in your relationships to encourage honest communication, preventing fear from leading to withholding truth or resentment. This creates a space where partners feel safe to share their true feelings and challenges.

10. Communicate Safety to Grieving Children

When talking to grieving children, reassure them they will be okay, that you are enough to care for them, and that they are not victims, to provide a sense of security and resilience. This direct and empowering communication helps children feel safe and supported during profound loss.

Be intentional about when and how you engage with photos and videos of deceased loved ones, allowing yourself to feel emotions at appropriate times without letting them become all-consuming. This practice helps prevent overwhelming sadness and supports gradual healing.

12. Schedule Time to Process Emotions

Set aside specific, limited times to intentionally feel and process intense emotions, allowing yourself to ‘close the door’ on them when needed to prevent being overwhelmed. This structured approach helps manage emotional intensity and prevents emotions from consuming your entire day.

13. Consider Psychedelics for Trauma

If ready and with proper support, consider psychedelics like psilocybin for grief and trauma work, as they can help access and process deeply buried emotions and foster healing. These experiences can provide a unique pathway to confront and integrate traumatic memories.

14. Recognize Alcohol’s Depressant Effect

Be aware that alcohol is a depressant and can exacerbate anxiety and sadness, prompting consideration of reduced or eliminated consumption if it negatively impacts emotional well-being. Understanding this can lead to healthier coping mechanisms during difficult times.

15. Remove Means for Suicidal Children

If a child expresses suicidal thoughts, immediately remove any means of self-harm from the home, prioritizing their safety above all else.

16. Be Mindful of Parental Grief’s Impact

Understand that children can be scared by seeing parents constantly sobbing; while grieving, strive to maintain a sense of safety and stability for your kids. It’s important to show them that you are okay, even as you process your own pain.

17. Seek Self-Help for Anxiety

When experiencing anxiety, actively seek out self-help and spiritual books or resources, as they can provide tools and insights for managing and overcoming fear. Proactively engaging with these resources can build a ’toolkit’ for future challenges.

18. Trust Experienced Advice in Crisis

In times of crisis or profound loss, trust the advice of those who have already navigated similar experiences, as their wisdom can provide invaluable guidance. Their direct experience offers a unique perspective that can help you through your own challenges.

19. Embrace Nuance and Confliction

Allow yourself to hold conflicting beliefs and embrace nuance on complex topics, recognizing that having all the answers isn’t always necessary and can lead to greater understanding. This mindset fosters intellectual humility and openness.

20. Write for Healing and Legacy

Consider writing down your personal story, especially after a significant loss, both as a therapeutic process for yourself and to create a lasting legacy for future generations. This act can help you process experiences and preserve memories.

21. Be Honest About Grief’s Duality

When sharing experiences of grief, be honest about both the good and the bad, acknowledging the multifaceted nature of emotions rather than presenting a one-sided view. This authenticity can resonate with others and foster deeper connection.

22. Prioritize Child Safety in Sports

Parents should carefully consider the risks of contact sports like football, prioritizing their child’s long-term health and safety over participation. This involves weighing the potential for injury against the benefits of the sport.

23. Be Proactive About Health

Take proactive steps to learn about and care for your body, seeking out good health professionals and practices like physical therapy and ice baths. Early and consistent attention to health can prevent future complications.

24. Establish a North Star in Crisis

During a personal crisis, identify a clear guiding principle or ‘North Star’ to help navigate difficult decisions and maintain focus on what truly matters. This guiding principle provides direction when you feel lost or overwhelmed.