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#122 - Lori Gottlieb: Understanding pain, therapeutic breakthroughs, and keys to enduring emotional health

Aug 3, 2020 1h 30m 24 insights
<p>Lori Gottlieb is a psychotherapist and the bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone. In this episode, Lori extracts important lessons from her experiences as both a therapist and a patient. The stories Lori shares has provided her the material for insights into living a more fulfilling life. In our conversation, Lori also dispels some misconceptions about therapy, explains the process of big therapeutic breakthroughs, and reveals the most important steps for enduring emotional health.</p> <p>We discuss:</p> <div> <ul> <li>Lori's unique path to becoming a therapist [3:00];</li> <li>Dissecting cadavers—a profound experience during med school [12:30];</li> <li>The sunk cost fallacy—How Lori was able to walk away from med school [17:15];</li> <li>Being aware of the gift of life, and other lessons from Lori's terminally ill patient [24:00];</li> <li>How underlying pain can manifest in obnoxious behavior [32:45];</li> <li>Counseling versus therapy [36:15];</li> <li>The story of John—why men hide their feelings, breaking down his shield, and uncovering his pain [38:30];</li> <li>"Breaking open"—A shocking revelation about John that tests Lori's resolve as a therapist [46:30];</li> <li>Rewriting your story, the recovery process, and the most important step for lasting change [49:00];</li> <li>The process of  many big therapeutic breakthroughs [56:00];</li> <li>The 2 types of suicidal thoughts, and the importance of talking about it [1:01:00];</li> <li>The most common issues that bring patients to therapy with Lori [1:02:45];</li> <li>Clinging to the familiar—why change is so hard [1:05:15];</li> <li>A story of shame, lack of self-compassion, and self-sabotage [1:07:00];</li> <li>The importance of managing mental health to reduce unnecessary suffering [1:15:45];</li> <li>Dispelling the misconceptions about therapy [1:23:15]; and</li> <li>More.</li> </ul> <p>Learn more: <a href="https://peterattiamd.com/">https://peterattiamd.com/</a><br /> <br /> Show notes page for this episode: <a href="https://peterattiamd.com/LoriGottlieb">https://peterattiamd.com/LoriGottlieb</a><br /> <br /> Subscribe to receive exclusive subscriber-only content: <a href="https://peterattiamd.com/subscribe/">https://peterattiamd.com/subscribe/</a><br /> <br /> Sign up to receive Peter's email newsletter: <a href="https://peterattiamd.com/newsletter/">https://peterattiamd.com/newsletter/</a><br /> <br /> Connect with Peter on <a href="http://Facebook.com/PeterAttiaMD"><u>Faceboo</u></a><u>k</u> | <a href="http://Twitter.com/PeterAttiaMD"><u>Twitter</u></a> | <a href="http://Instagram.com/PeterAttiaMD"><u>Instagram</u></a>.</p> </div> <p> </p>
Actionable Insights

1. Embrace Life’s Mortality

Acknowledge life’s 100% mortality rate not morbidly, but as an inspiration to be intentional about how you live each day, aligning your actions with your priorities and appreciating the gift of life.

2. Take Responsibility for Freedom

Identify self-imposed limitations or perceived traps in your life and challenge yourself to ‘walk around the bars’ by taking responsibility for your choices and exploring alternative paths to freedom and happiness.

3. Prioritize Emotional Health

Invest in your emotional and mental health, recognizing it as a fundamental means to reduce personal suffering and improve overall quality of life, potentially more impactful than other forms of care.

4. Listen to Your Inner Voice

Cultivate awareness and listen to your inner voice or intuition, as it often holds the answers to what you truly want and need, despite external pressures or noise.

5. Practice Self-Forgiveness

Practice self-forgiveness for past mistakes and human imperfections, rather than imposing a ’life in prison’ or ‘death sentence’ on your own joy and potential for living fully.

6. Translate Insight to Action

Do not mistake insight alone for progress; actively translate self-understanding into behavioral changes and actions in your daily life to achieve meaningful improvement.

7. Commit to Change Maintenance

Recognize that maintaining change is the most crucial step, and setbacks are a normal, non-linear part of the process; don’t abandon your efforts if you ‘screw up,’ but rather return to your desired behavior.

8. Don’t Fear New Paths

Do not let ‘sunk costs’ or age deter you from pursuing a new path or passion; prioritize doing what you want to do with the time you have left, rather than sticking to a path out of obligation or past investment.

9. Seek Emotional Help Early

Do not minimize emotional discomfort or wait until it becomes a crisis; seek support or therapy early, just as you would for physical symptoms, to prevent unnecessary suffering and collateral damage.

10. Challenge First Impressions

Challenge your initial judgments of people and strive to understand their underlying experiences and motivations, as this can lead to deeper empathy and connection.

11. Practice Authentic Self-Expression

Practice stripping away pretense and performative aspects of your life to reveal your authentic self, fostering deeper, more invigorating connections and a clearer sense of how you want to manifest in the world.

12. Value Therapeutic Relationship

When seeking therapy, prioritize finding a therapist with whom you can build a strong, trusting relationship, as this connection is the most crucial factor for successful outcomes.

13. Address Your Role in Conflict

When facing difficult relationships, examine your own role and responses, considering whether you need to be in that relationship and how your actions might contribute to its challenges.

14. Create Space for Vulnerability

Actively create safe spaces for men to express vulnerability and emotions without judgment, challenging societal norms that often shame them for doing so.

15. Ask ‘Why Now?’ for Change

If you’re considering making a significant change, reflect on ‘why now?’ to identify the underlying motivation or strength that has finally prompted you to seek help or take action.

16. Ask About Suicide Directly

If someone you know seems depressed or you suspect suicidal thoughts, ask directly about suicide; it does not plant the idea but can provide relief and open a crucial conversation.

17. Do ‘Homework’ Between Sessions

Actively apply the insights and strategies discussed in therapy or self-help to your daily life between sessions, treating it like ‘homework’ to reinforce learning and drive real-world change.

18. Seek Tangible Connection/Joy

Seek out activities that provide tangible results and foster brief, genuine moments of connection with others, as these can bring significant joy and meaning to daily life.

19. Understand Therapy’s Focus

Understand that modern therapy is primarily focused on the present and future, using past experiences only to understand current patterns, rather than dwelling on childhood indefinitely.

20. Recognize Human Similarity

Recognize that humans are more similar than different and that growth occurs through connection with others, fostering empathy and understanding.

21. Change Your Life Story

Examine and potentially revise the narratives you tell yourself about your life, as this can be a powerful way to initiate personal change and transformation.

22. Therapy for Self-Clarity

Understand that therapy is a process of self-discovery and gaining clarity, not a source of instant answers or guaranteed timelines; the goal is to help you find your own solutions.

23. View Therapy as Microcosm

View your therapeutic relationship as a practice ground for improving your external relationships, as the dynamics and patterns within therapy often mirror those in your daily life.

24. Understand Change Process

Understand that significant personal transformations often involve numerous small, imperceptible steps before a sudden breakthrough, so persist with consistent effort even when progress seems slow.