Establish a regular (e.g., monthly) check-in with your partner using deep questions to discuss the best/worst parts of the last 30 days, what you can do differently, worries, gratitude, and goals, ensuring you challenge each other to go beyond superficial answers.
Early in a relationship, have explicit conversations about fundamental values, expectations, and visions for life, such as living arrangements, family, professional lives, and traditional roles, to avoid unspoken assumptions that can lead to conflict later.
Strive for a relationship where you can both feel rooted and safe (the ‘harbor’) and also free to explore independently without worrying that your partner will be anxious or absent upon your return.
To sustain a strong sexual connection over decades, build a strong friendship with trust as its foundation, and intentionally choose to set aside time for sex, recognizing its importance for the quality of your relationship.
Shift from a task-oriented or predictive approach to relationships and instead tune into the emotional level and the ‘relational drama’ unfolding, much like feeling the movement in a dance rather than just executing steps.
Pay close attention to subtle verbal and non-verbal cues (e.g., eye contact, turning towards someone, smiling, responding) that indicate another person is open to connecting, and conversely, cues that signal closure.
Expand your understanding of sex beyond just genital contact, penetration, and orgasm to include a ‘sexual menu’ of touching, kissing, hugging, and other forms of eroticism, especially as bodies and abilities change over time.
Recognize that in long-term relationships, sexual desire often evolves from ‘spontaneous’ (emerging out of the blue) to ‘responsive’ (emerging in response to pleasure or touch), and both are normal and healthy ways to experience desire.
Acknowledge that arousal can stem from diverse sources beyond just physical touch or looks, including fantasy, intellectual conversations, shared passions, or relational acts of kindness and connection (e.g., doing chores).
In a healthy relationship, when conflicts or disappointments inevitably arise, recognize what has happened and actively work to repair the connection through emotional responsiveness.
Question traditional gender roles in sexual initiation and other aspects of sex; openly discuss preferences with your partner, as both men and women may secretly desire more fluidity in these roles.
Recognize that sleep deprivation can negatively impact sexual frequency and quality; aim for an extra hour of sleep, as it has been shown to increase the chances of having sex the next night.
If you experienced secure attachment in childhood, recognize that you possess a ‘visceral map’ for healthy relationships, which gives you an advantage in identifying and fostering good connections.
Be aware that constant fighting (blame and defense) or extreme disengagement (indifference, lack of connection) are the primary ways couples ‘grow apart,’ and actively work against these patterns.
Consciously prioritize your role as a partner at home with the same intentionality and desire for improvement that you apply to your professional life, acknowledging your part in past relationship challenges.
Allow for fluidity in sexual encounters where one partner might pleasure the other without both necessarily achieving arousal or orgasm, reducing pressure and fostering emotional connection as a form of satisfaction.
Define sexual well-being not by frequency, specific acts, or number of orgasms, but by whether you genuinely like and enjoy the sex you are having with your partner.