Open up and show your perceived ‘unlovable’ parts, as these are often what make others feel comfortable and allow them to truly connect with you.
Formulate hypotheses about what you think you need in a partner (e.g., specific height, degree), then test those hypotheses by dating people who challenge them, and be open to being proven wrong to discover what truly matters.
Prioritize ‘slow burn’ relationships where your liking and attraction for someone grows over time as you get to know their quality character, rather than instant charisma.
Understand that instant ‘spark’ or chemistry is not a prerequisite for a viable relationship, as attraction and appreciation can grow over time, and sometimes a ‘spark’ can be a sign of anxiety or a superficial connection.
After a date, ask yourself questions like ‘How did I feel in my body?’, ‘Did they make me laugh/feel heard/curious?’, and ‘What side of me did they bring out?’ to assess potential beyond initial charisma.
Focus on how you feel and what side of yourself a person brings out during a date, as this indicates who you would be in a long-term relationship with them.
If you have an anxious attachment style, identify your triggers (e.g., not hearing back quickly), and instead of spiraling or sending multiple texts, distract yourself, talk to a friend, or use ‘disconfirming evidence’ to rationalize the situation.
If you have an avoidant attachment style, recognize when you feel overwhelmed and are creating reasons to push people away; instead, consciously ask for the space you need directly.
Learn how to date effectively when you’re younger, as you have a more flexible lifestyle and a larger pool of single people, which can lead to finding a partner sooner and stopping dating earlier.
Overcome the fear of rejection by actively approaching people in public and taking risks, as this is essential for forming relationships and finding your dream job.
Instead of viewing a first date as an interview for a soulmate, reframe it as an opportunity to have a fun experience and decide if you want to spend more time with that person.
Approach first dates as an opportunity to have a fun experience and see how it feels to be around the person, rather than treating it like a job interview to gather biographical information.
In conversations, especially on first dates, share stories that convey emotions and feelings rather than just reciting facts about your life, to make interactions more memorable and engaging.
After initial messaging, quickly move to a phone call or video chat to assess connection and then meet in person as soon as possible, to avoid building up unrealistic fantasies based on incomplete information.
Begin conversations ‘in the middle of things’ by sharing an ongoing story or problem and asking for their perspective, which immediately creates an engaging experience and reveals how they think.
Be willing to adjust your dating app filters (e.g., height) to broaden your pool and test if your perceived deal-breakers are truly what you care about, or if other qualities like confidence are more important.
Understand that double-texting can be acceptable, avoid one-word answers, and ensure texting momentum is balanced (one step forward from each person) to signal interest and engagement.
Identify your personal maximum texting output and minimum texting needs, and recognize that a significant mismatch with a partner’s style may indicate incompatibility.
Proactively inform potential partners about your texting habits and preferences to prevent misunderstandings and manage expectations regarding tone and frequency.
Clearly communicate your wants and needs to your partner, rather than expecting them to read your mind, to ensure your desires are met and avoid disappointment.
Avoid making assumptions about what others want and instead engage in potentially uncomfortable conversations earlier to clarify expectations and find common ground.
Fully disengage from past relationships and ex-partners, cutting ties and avoiding ‘orbiting,’ to create space and motivation to find a new, fulfilling relationship.
Instead of keeping multiple options open, commit to one person to explore the relationship fully, as true success often comes from focused commitment rather than endless possibilities.
Resist the urge to keep endless options open or constantly second-guess your choices, as committing to a decision and rationalizing it leads to greater satisfaction than perpetually seeking alternatives.
Actively manage your dating app conversations by responding to existing matches before seeking new ones, to encourage focus and decision-making rather than endless matching.
Do not assume exclusivity in dating; have an explicit conversation with your partner to define the relationship status and avoid heartbreak.
Actively seek information about your partner’s intentions and feelings, even if it might be disappointing, as this data is crucial for making informed decisions about the relationship.
Be willing to re-evaluate and potentially remove other commitments from your schedule to create dedicated time for dating, especially if you’ve previously prioritized career over relationships.
When considering age gaps in dating, focus on shared values and life stages rather than arbitrary age rules, ensuring you’re seeking a life partner, not just an ego boost.
If not interested after a date, send a kind but firm text (e.g., ‘I don’t think we’re a romantic match but it was great meeting you’) without offering extensive feedback or engaging in a prolonged conversation.
Provide clear and honest communication when rejecting someone, as people prefer to know the truth to move on, rather than being ghosted or left in ambiguity.
Recognize and actively work on healing the internal feeling of being ‘broken’ or unlovable, as this underlying belief can hinder your ability to form and maintain healthy relationships.
Engage in intentional conversations about core life topics (e.g., work, values, kids, childhood influences) before committing to a long-term relationship, to ensure alignment and avoid assumptions.
Instead of searching for ’the one’ or the ‘right choice,’ decide if a partner is someone you are excited to build a life and write a story with, recognizing that multiple great relationships are possible.
Communicate issues and concerns throughout a relationship as they arise, rather than bottling them up until a breakup, to give your partner a fair chance to address them.
During a breakup, avoid giving extensive feedback on what the other person did ‘wrong,’ as it’s often unhelpful and can cause lasting pain, unless there’s a specific, actionable behavior they can change.
After a breakup, give the other person space and avoid constant contact, as this helps them move on and prevents you from assuaging your own guilt at their expense.
Plan breakup conversations thoughtfully by considering timing (avoiding major life events), ensuring the person has a support system, and avoiding sex or prolonged contact to facilitate their healing.
Treat your dating profile like a billboard; identify three key aspects of yourself you want to convey and ensure your photos and prompts clearly communicate these ‘big things.’
Create a dating profile that balances humor with vulnerability to show different facets of your personality, avoiding extremes of being either too jokey or too serious.
Steer clear of common, overused phrases and responses in your dating profile, as they can make you seem unoriginal and less interesting to potential matches.
Include clear, unfiltered photos that show your face, full body, you engaging in hobbies, and a group photo (where you’re easily identifiable), avoiding sunglasses or excessive filters.
Use your dating profile to genuinely portray what spending time with you is like, showcasing your actual hobbies and interests rather than aspirational or one-off activities.
Seek a partner whom you deeply trust, admire, and respect, especially for major life decisions, as this mutual regard forms a strong foundation for a collaborative relationship.
Actively make conscious decisions at key relationship junctures (e.g., exclusivity, moving in, marriage) rather than passively ‘sliding’ into transitions, to ensure alignment and intentionality.
Initiate conversations about money by exploring what it means to each person and their family history with it, viewing it as the first of many discussions rather than needing to achieve a specific tactical outcome immediately.
If deeply held beliefs like political views or religion are proxies for your core values, it’s acceptable to discuss them early in dating, but do so by sharing your personal importance and asking about their experience, rather than debating or seeking a ‘right’ answer.
Develop a network of ‘Other Significant Others’ (friends, family) whom you rely on for different needs and interests, reducing pressure on your primary partner and strengthening your relationship.
Prioritize living within a short walk of your friends to increase happiness and facilitate uncoordinated social interaction and support, rather than optimizing for commute or cost alone.
Define success as achieving balance across all life domains (health, career, family, relationships, friends) and ensure your time allocation reflects these priorities, avoiding forsaking one for another.