Cultivate your imagination by projecting a better future or something to look forward to, as this is an essential tool for maintaining hope, meaning, joy, freedom, and possibility in life.
Actively work to rewrite your personal and relational narratives, as a different story leads to a different experience of yourself and your relationship, opening possibilities for new insights, changes, and freeing your perception of your partner.
Understand that the stories you create in your mind shape your experience, and by changing these narratives, you can alter your reality.
When experiencing relationship issues, challenge your existing narrative by asking ‘what else is there?’ and ‘is this the only way to look at this story?’ to open up possibilities for new insights and change.
Adopt a narrative that things continuously change, as this shapes a different set of beliefs about how you love, work, and live, fostering adaptability.
Understand that trading passion for stability means trading one fiction for another, as both are products of imagination, allowing for a more flexible view of vitality in relationships.
Live with the awareness that anything can stop at any moment, which naturally creates a stance in life to savor, fully experience, or actively deal with the present moment.
Prioritize investing energy and time into the couple relationship, as this directly contributes to the preservation and well-being of the family unit, rather than letting the couple come last.
Establish regular, dedicated rituals with your partner (e.g., weekly dates, monthly getaways) to consistently prioritize your relationship and ensure dedicated check-in time, signaling that ‘we matter’.
Dedicate the ‘best hour’ of your day to your partner, such as by waking up an hour earlier, when you are most alert and attentive, rather than giving them ’leftover’ time.
Cultivate a mindset of perpetual curiosity about your partner, recognizing that they are ‘forever somewhat mysterious and elusive,’ to foster continuous listening and discovery.
Invest intentionality, imagination, and creativity into your sexual and intimate life, treating it like preparing a ‘beautiful meal’ rather than settling for the ’least’ or a perfunctory act.
Challenge the idea that desire and pleasure should always be spontaneous in long-term relationships; instead, cultivate them through intentionality, premeditation, and creativity.
Reframe your understanding of the erotic as cultivating pleasure for its own sake, focusing on the quality of the experience and shared journey rather than solely on performance or orgasm.
Actively seek to discover new aspects of your long-term partner, remain curious, introduce surprise, reveal unrevealed parts of yourself, and take emotional and sexual risks to maintain vitality.
Create a ’lover’s nest’ communication channel (e.g., a dedicated email address) with your partner, used solely for romantic, playful, or intimate exchanges, separate from logistical discussions, to maintain an erotic space.
Use external resources like podcasts or movies as a ’third entity’ to initiate difficult conversations with your partner, using the content as a springboard to ask questions and explore sensitive topics.
Actively work to reopen conversations about topics that have become uncomfortable or assumed over time, challenging the idea that your partner ‘should know’ everything.
Continuously discuss and define boundaries regarding closeness and separateness, clarifying what belongs to ‘us’ versus ‘me’ in terms of finances, travel, daily habits, and personal freedom.
Early in a relationship, explicitly discuss core values, expectations, and visions for life, covering topics like living arrangements, family, and professional lives, rather than making assumptions.
Frame disagreements in terms of differing values rather than personal attacks or judgments, which helps shift the conversation from ‘you’re bad’ to ‘we’re different,’ fostering understanding.
Practice reflective listening daily for a few minutes by acknowledging what your partner says or requests without defensiveness, allowing them to feel heard and creating space for their needs.
When practicing new communication techniques, incorporate a good dose of humor to make the process more effective and less rigid.
Recognize that changing your internal narrative can holistically impact your embodied experiences and physical movements, leading to different ways of sitting, breathing, and listening.
Recognize when childhood patterns or ‘inaudible’ messages are influencing your current interactions, and consciously bring reality into the present moment to respond as an adult.
When addressing arguments, prioritize understanding and changing the ‘choreography’ or pattern of interaction (e.g., attack-defend) over the specific content, as the form is more important than the topic.
When criticizing your partner, identify the underlying wish or unmet need you are expressing, and communicate that wish directly to protect against feeling hurt and foster connection.
Overcome the fear of vulnerability by directly stating what you want or need, rather than resorting to criticism about what your partner didn’t do, which is often a protective device against being hurt.
When communicating, prioritize usefulness and the desired outcome (e.g., closeness, change) over merely being ‘right’ or ‘authentic,’ especially if your approach is ‘authentically useless’.
Before speaking, clarify your true goal in the conversation and ensure your communication style aligns with achieving that goal, rather than just venting or ‘dumping’ on your partner.
Commit to changing your own behavior in a relationship, non-contingent on your partner’s actions, to break old patterns and create space for new dynamics.
Understand that consistent, unilateral changes in your behavior will eventually force your partner to adapt their own responses, shifting the overall dynamic of the relationship.
Cultivate personal security to embrace differences in your partner without needing them to be like you for self-validation, preventing slight differences from escalating into major conflicts.
Strive for a balance of connection and autonomy in your relationship, feeling secure enough to return to your partner for comfort and also free enough to pursue individual interests without worry.
Before speaking with ‘honesty,’ consider whether your words are caring or cruel, and reflect on the potential consequences and how your partner will live with what you’re about to say.
If you have doubts about the relationship that your partner cannot change, process them internally first and avoid putting them in a bind by communicating unchangeable issues.
Practice honesty by reflecting on your own accountability and where you could have shown up differently in the relationship, rather than just focusing on what your partner did or didn’t do.
If stuck in a rigid argument pattern, try a role-reversal exercise where each partner speaks as if they are the other for 15 minutes, to gain empathy and break predictable dynamics.
Challenge the societal notion that longevity is the sole marker of relationship success and that all breakups are failures, allowing for a more nuanced view of relationship endings.
Approach the ending of a relationship with the same deliberation and intentionality as the beginning, recognizing that how you part creates important psychological bookmarks for your relational life.
In a breakup, practice self-accountability by reflecting on your own contributions and areas where you could have acted differently, rather than solely blaming the other person, as this is a form of honesty.
When ending a relationship, strive to wish your former partner well and release bitterness, as this prepares you for healthier future relationships by not carrying negative emotional baggage.