Before communicating in conflict, shift your mindset from viewing the other person as the problem to seeing yourself and the other person together facing a shared problem.
Recognize that repair is the most crucial relationship strategy for all connections (partners, kids, work), as it has immense positive impact and is an opportunity for growth and learning.
Before repairing with others, repair with yourself by separating your identity from your behavior, acknowledging your goodness despite mistakes, to avoid seeking validation from the other person.
Use the Acknowledge, Validate, Permit (AVP) technique to regulate emotions: Acknowledge the feeling (‘Hi annoyance’), Validate it (‘That makes sense’), and Permit yourself to feel it (‘I give myself full permission to feel this way, and I can cope with it’).
Help children (and yourself) understand that actions or outcomes do not define identity, which allows for taking responsibility without shame or needing to deflect blame.
When a child is ashamed, prioritize de-shaming the moment by validating their experience or sharing a similar personal story, as shame causes a freeze response that prevents learning.
When someone shares something disappointing, respond with ‘I’m so glad you’re talking to me about this,’ ‘I believe you,’ and ‘Tell me more’ to validate their feelings and build trust.
Understand a boundary as a statement of what you will do, independent of the other person’s actions, to retain power and avoid frustration.
Present boundaries not as threats, but as an assertion of your needs to maintain personal well-being, which ultimately invites the other person to maintain closeness in the relationship.
View negative self-talk or self-sabotaging thoughts as ‘passengers’ in your mind, and engage with them from the ‘driver’s seat’ to prevent them from taking control, rather than trying to eliminate them.
Engage in self-reflection about your own unlived dreams, regrets, and insecurities before or during parenting, to avoid projecting them onto your children and inadvertently using them to fulfill your own needs.
Refrain from using rewards or punishments to control behavior, as this creates transactional relationships based on fear or external motivators, which can negatively impact future adult relationships.
Act as a firm and clear ‘pilot’ for your children, setting and enforcing rules without seeking their approval, as your primary job is to keep them safe, not happy.
Instead of making requests for teens to stop screen time, implement boundaries that are within your control, such as physically turning off devices or using parental controls, because teens cannot self-regulate with screens.
Clearly state your needs and what you will do based on different scenarios, without demanding the other person’s action, to manage expectations and prevent resentment.
Write and practice scripts for challenging conversations (e.g., setting new rules) by recording yourself or role-playing with a trusted person to build confidence and refine your delivery.
Understand that making a good parenting decision and your child having a strong emotional reaction are two independent and equally valid truths, which helps prepare you for their reactions without doubting your decision.
Initiate family meetings to collaboratively discuss and set screen time rules, allowing everyone to contribute ideas and agree on a plan, fostering a ‘us against the problem’ approach.
During family meetings or conflictual discussions, physically write down everyone’s ideas to ensure they feel heard and respected, which can de-escalate tension and promote collaboration.
Approach conflicts by assuming the other person has good intentions, fostering a ‘same team’ mentality to find productive solutions rather than adversarial blame.
Recognize that the strength of your relationship with your children and partner is fundamental to addressing any issues, as it influences their willingness to meet your needs.
Understand confidence as the ability to trust yourself, especially in moments when you are not at your best, rather than solely as a feeling of being good at something.
Create opportunities for children to experience minor inconveniences or forgetfulness, allowing them to learn problem-solving and self-reliance rather than always stepping in to fix things.
Recognize that parenting is about producing a unique individual, a ‘stranger’ you get to know, rather than ‘reproducing’ yourself, which helps manage expectations and fosters genuine connection.
Even as teens explore and separate, ensure they know you are consistently there for them, as a secure home base provides confidence for their exploration.
When a partner expresses negative feelings, interpret it as an invitation to understand a vulnerable part of them and deepen your connection, rather than a personal attack or accusation of fault.
When a partner shares feelings, approach with curiosity and non-judgment to understand their perspective, rather than focusing on whether you agree or disagree with their emotions.
To build emotion regulation skills, set a daily phone reminder for AVP practice at a low-stakes time, stopping to acknowledge and validate your current feelings, even if they are minimal.
Define success as consistently living and acting in accordance with your core values, as this brings a sense of fulfillment and control over your life.