Prioritize developing better listening skills because it is immediately useful for gaining diverse perspectives to solve problems and is profoundly developmental, changing your relationship to yourself and how you perceive the world.
Actively practice deep listening yourself, as how you listen tends to wear off on other people, and when people feel truly seen and heard, it’s one of the most extraordinary experiences.
Engage in “listening for meaning” by actively wondering what a person truly means beneath their words and stories, always assuming your initial interpretation might be wrong and prompting further inquiry.
To deepen your listening, discern what is “subject” (unexamined assumptions) and “object” (examinable beliefs) for the speaker, requiring you to listen below the surface and amplify curiosity about their true meaning.
When listening, make it your goal to see the world through the other person’s eyes and understand their perspective, rather than focusing on agreement or disagreement.
Refrain from “listening to win” by making others wrong or dismissing their concerns, as this approach, while potentially comforting to you, prevents them from feeling genuinely heard.
Be mindful of the tendency to “listen to fix” by immediately offering solutions; instead, practice “listening to learn” or “listening to see” by reflecting back what’s being said to help the other person feel truly heard.
Cultivate the habit of asking yourself, “How could I be wrong?” to increase curiosity, challenge your initial assumptions, and prompt you to seek out and understand other perspectives.
Pay close attention to your habitual language patterns and deliberately disrupt them, as language is not just an expression of your meaning-making but also shapes it, supporting personal development.
Consciously change phrases like “I need to” or “I have to” to “I want to,” as this small linguistic shift can profoundly change your sense of choice and relationship to responsibilities, reducing feelings of being torn.
When making a decision, deliberately use the language “I choose to,” as it cultivates a new meaning around your actions, helping you step into them in a different way and seeing them as a choice.
To cultivate new habits and an identity, consciously “speak as if” you already embody that trait (e.g., “I am a person who goes to the gym”), creating a nudge that helps establish the desired conditions.
Actively identify and challenge “I am” statements and monolithic narratives that define you or others, as these habitual language patterns can limit your progress and ability to adapt.
Be aware that statements like “I would never do that” reinforce your identity, but can also limit your actions and prevent you from engaging in behaviors that might be necessary, even if they challenge your self-perception.
Focus on finding and using language patterns that empower you and serve your goals, rather than those that restrict your potential or reinforce negative self-perceptions.
Recognize that while forming a strong, self-authored identity is developmentally important, constantly reinforcing separation from others can sever connections and hinder your ability to solve complex problems that require diverse perspectives and trust.
Leaders should prioritize fostering connection, trust, and awareness of mutual impact among people, recognizing these relationships as a core and perhaps the most important aspect of effective leadership.
Actively seek out and engage with perspectives that differ from, or even challenge, your own, as this practice is essential for navigating complex problems and avoiding echo chambers.
To effect change in complex systems, first understand their current self-organizing patterns, then apply small nudges and create conditions to shape the path, rather than attempting direct interventions which often face resistance.
Learn and apply complexity frameworks like Cynefin to categorize challenges (obvious, complicated, complex), enabling you to deal with them appropriately and fostering a mindset that sees the world as it truly is.
When encountering “either/or” problems, apply polarity thinking to recognize that both seemingly opposing elements are interconnected and necessary over time for optimal, sustainable outcomes.
Employ polarity thinking to develop a more nuanced self-perception, moving beyond rigid “either/or” labels to recognize the interconnected and complex aspects within yourself and the world.
Practice staying in discomfort within safe and supportive environments, gradually nudging yourself to resist the “action urge” to remove it, as this builds adaptability and helps you perceive the world as it truly is.
To perceive the world as it truly is, embrace a “leap of faith” by accepting that you don’t need to control everything to be okay, and that unpredictability is a natural, even engaging, aspect of life.
To better understand your emotions and feelings, regularly ask yourself, “Where do I feel that in my body?” and practice scanning for physical sensations, connecting them to your mental state.
Notice the habitual questions you ask yourself and others, then evaluate if they effectively direct your attention towards productive insights or if they lead to unhelpful dead ends without prompting behavioral change.
To improve your questioning, actively borrow insightful questions from others, especially children, who often ask unfiltered questions that can reveal new perspectives adults might overlook.
Acknowledge that you don’t need to solve everything alone; actively leverage the ideas and support of other people, as they are a valuable resource in navigating a complex world.
Begin every meeting with a structured check-in where each person responds to a question, then collectively analyze the patterns, commonalities, outliers, and unspoken elements to understand the group’s current state and raw material.
For remote teams, intentionally develop and implement mechanisms that create conditions for frequent and deep connection and trust, integrating them into regular systems and the way people interact.
Modify your physical environment to create conditions that support desired behaviors, like removing tempting items or placing tools for new habits (e.g., hand weights) in easily accessible locations.
Intentionally choose to spend time with people and communities whose default behaviors align with your desired growth, as they create powerful conditions that can shape your development in specific directions.
When guiding children, especially on behaviors like “listening to win,” ask reflective questions such as, “Did that help you get what you wanted?” to encourage self-correction and connect their actions to desired outcomes.
Give specific language to unhelpful behavioral patterns, such as “listening to win,” as this creates an instant reminder that helps you or others notice and shift the behavior each time it arises.
If you view life as a “work-life balance,” disrupt this perspective by asking what’s most important about achieving perfect balance or what’s the worst thing about not, to challenge underlying assumptions.
Shift your perspective from “work-life balance” to “life as a mosaic” or “integration,” acknowledging that different life components can vary in size and focus at different times, but all remain present and require attention.
Employ metaphors, either by noticing the ones you habitually use or by introducing new ones, to explore how you conceptualize complex ideas and assess if they truly align with your goals.
When encountering habitual or limiting language, delve into its meaning by asking “What does that mean?” and “Who are you when you’re in that state?” to uncover underlying assumptions and challenge self-imposed limitations.
Consciously release the need to be “on top of everything,” as this pursuit is often impossible, causes undue stress, and detracts from your ability to be fully present in the moment.
Challenge the belief that achieving a state of “on top of everything” will lead to a permanent feeling of being “done” or settled, as this destination is often an illusion that prevents presence.
Separate your self-worth and the perception of respecting others from the need to be “on top of everything,” such as instantly responding to emails, as this conflation can lead to unnecessary guilt and stress.
Strive for a definition of success where your presence enables another person to be more fully themselves, rather than solely focusing on your own achievements or intelligence.