Establish parental authority and set clear rules, as this is crucial for children’s mental health, stability, and overall success in life. Kids need their parents in charge for their mental health, stability, and success.
Teach children to tolerate distress and pain, allowing them to experience and overcome minor adversities and social slights rather than constantly shielding them. We are born with the ability to overcome adversity, and telling kids they are traumatized by normal challenges is the worst thing to do.
Guide children in understanding and managing their emotions, rather than affirming every feeling, especially extreme or dysregulated ones. Kids are still figuring out which of their emotions make sense, and parents need to educate them on what is appropriate.
Do not constantly ask children how they are feeling or encourage rumination on negative emotions, as this broadcasts that feelings are the most important guide and can lead to dysregulation. Constantly asking children how they’re feeling or if they’re happy makes happiness a goal, which leads to unhappiness.
Teach children that their actions affect others and that they have responsibilities, fostering a sense of citizenship and connection beyond themselves. Never give them a sense that their actions have no effect on others, or they will have no responsibility to be a good citizen.
Avoid giving diagnoses for ordinary behaviors or treating children as disordered, as this removes their agency and can make them believe they have inherent problems. Pathologizing ordinary behaviors treats children to see themselves as disordered, making them feel they have no agency to change.
Focus on providing children with connection, community involvement, exercise, healthy eating, and in-person relationships, as these are proven well-being factors, unlike unproven preventive therapy. There is no good study showing preventive mental health works, but a good life with connection and community is essential for well-being.
Offer children a structured environment and limit constant stimulation from devices like iPads, which helps improve their attention span and ability to concentrate on less exciting tasks. Kids need structure and should not be constantly titillated by devices, which makes it harder for them to concentrate in school.
Emphasize the importance of grit, putting emotions aside to get on with life, and taking agency in overcoming difficult situations to build character and capability. We should valorize putting emotions to one side and getting on with life, and making a turnaround even after something hard.
Share stories of family members overcoming adversity to instill pride and belief in children’s own capacity to handle tough challenges. Tell children about what their ancestors went through and overcame, so they feel proud and believe they can overcome tough things too.
Hold children to high standards and expectations, as this communicates faith in their capabilities and capacity to achieve great things. High expectations honor children with the sense that they have capacity and capability, conveying belief in them.
Assign children chores and allow them more independence, including slightly risky activities, to foster a sense of mattering, capability, and self-reliance. Give kids chores and more independence so they feel they matter in the world and are benefiting the family.
Exercise caution before introducing diagnoses and medication for children’s behavioral issues, first attempting environmental adjustments to avoid conveying a message of incapability. Introducing a diagnosis and a pill can make a child feel they can’t do things on their own and have a brain problem.
Address children’s behavioral issues as choices or responsibilities they can change, rather than attributing them to a ‘brain problem,’ which can foster learned helplessness. Telling a child they were lazy or irresponsible empowers them to make a decision to change, unlike telling them they have a brain problem.
If therapy is considered for a child, ensure there’s a real need, establish clear goals, and aim for an eventual exit to prevent dependency and potential undermining of parental authority. Therapy should be confined to a specific problem with a clear goal, not a permanent situation that interferes with the parent-child relationship.
For adults and children in therapy, objectively assess its effectiveness beyond just feeling better after sessions, as subjective feelings may not align with actual progress, and therapy can sometimes be harmful. People often feel purged after therapy and think it’s helping, even when objective markers show they are doing no better or worse.
Do not normalize, valorize, or repetitively mention suicide as a coping mechanism with children, as this can inadvertently increase its prevalence. Normalizing suicide, presenting it as a coping means, or valorizing mental health struggles can increase suicide in the population.
Inform children that constant rumination on feelings or certain school mental health surveys can be unhelpful, and that mental health is a byproduct of living a good life, not something to constantly ‘work on.’ Parents should feel free to tell kids their own views on school mental health practices, such as regarding them as ’nonsense’ and that mental health happens while living a good life.
Encourage children to face social challenges and minor embarrassments directly, rather than cowering or seeking immediate adult intervention, to build coping skills for future life criticisms. Allowing children to deal with being made fun of by their group helps them learn to handle criticism and disappointment later in life.
Avoid making happiness the ultimate goal in life, as constantly striving for it can paradoxically lead to unhappiness and an inability to tolerate normal life frustrations. Making happiness your goal is a way to make you unhappy, because most of life involves work, frustration, and worries.
Define successful parenting as raising productive, reliable adults who embody your values, contribute to society, and are capable of forming strong relationships and families. A successful parent raises a good child to adulthood who is a productive citizen, embodies their values, is reliable, and wants to build community and family.