View your marital relationship as a “second child” that requires continuous nurturing, especially when you have children. Actively water and tend to your relationship like a plant, rather than taking it for granted, to ensure its health and growth.
Develop a high tolerance for disappointment, both in being disappointed by your partner and in disappointing them, as rupture and repair are inherent to authentic relationships. Focus on developing strong recovery skills after conflicts, as this is a true measure of relational strength.
Practice active listening by using the “speaker-listener method” during conflicts: one partner speaks without interruption, and the other paraphrases back what was heard to demonstrate understanding, not necessarily agreement. This prevents premature retorts and ensures each person feels heard.
Develop constructive speaking skills by using “I statements” to express your needs, rather than “you statements” that blame or criticize. Frame your communication around “I need” instead of “you are” or “you’re not” to foster more productive dialogue.
Learn to “fight fair” by avoiding harmful tactics like contempt, sarcasm, or personal attacks. Instead, express anger by focusing on how specific actions make you feel and articulate the unmet needs underlying your anger.
Cultivate vulnerability in communication by speaking your truth from the heart during conflicts. Shifting away from aggressive tactics and embracing vulnerability can lead to more effective conflict resolution.
Regularly express appreciation, love, and gratitude to your partner, even with simple gestures like a “one word of gratitude” before bed. Don’t assume your partner knows how you feel; actively communicate it to nurture the relationship.
Prioritize regular “date nights,” whether for sex or just connection, and adapt them to your circumstances (e.g., fun at home if money is tight). These dedicated times are essential for nurturing the relationship.
Proactively maintain your relationship by reflecting on what went well in the past and identifying when positive aspects (like fun or good sex) stopped. Avoid taking the relationship for granted, as maintenance is key to its longevity.
Normalize differences in a relationship, viewing them as expected and potentially complementary rather than signs of incompatibility. Develop skills to manage these differences constructively, rather than letting them lead to a narrative of “we shouldn’t be together.”
Challenge rigid gender scripts regarding sexual initiation and roles. Communicate your personal preferences and desires to your partner, as they might be more fluid and open to sharing roles than you assume.
Consider gender as largely socially constructed, rather than purely biological. This perspective can help deconstruct rigid gender roles and expectations in relationships, fostering greater flexibility.
Recognize that intimacy brings unconscious “narratives” and past experiences (trauma, family dynamics, societal wounds) into the present relationship. Understand that you may be projecting “unfinished business” onto your partner, impacting your interactions.
Become aware of deeper narratives and their meanings, beyond surface-level conflicts. This awareness is crucial for challenging, shifting, or healing the underlying wounds that influence your behavior.
Explore your sexual history to identify unfinished narratives impacting current relationships, from your first memory of sexuality to the present. This helps understand unconscious projections onto partners and areas of unresolved meaning.
Each partner should articulate their own definition of a problem (e.g., “communication issues”) to normalize different perspectives and encourage expressing individual truths. This differentiation is crucial for addressing underlying issues.
Create a safe space within your relationship to express your true needs and wants without fear. Suppressing these truths can lead to underlying relationship problems.
Discuss the difference between secrecy and privacy with your partner. Understand each other’s definitions to prevent misunderstandings and create a framework for sharing sensitive information that might impact the relationship.
Understand that privacy refers to aspects of personal experience that don’t negatively impact the couple or violate agreements, while secrecy involves withholding information that affects the relationship. Use this distinction to navigate personal boundaries and shared truths.
Assess how your definitions of privacy or secrecy might be negatively impacting your relationship goals, especially regarding sexual openness. Acknowledge if fear of betraying a partner’s definition is causing you to shut down.
Adopt humility regarding relationship outcomes. Recognize that predicting a couple’s future is difficult, and unexpected changes and surprises are common over time.
Allow time for personal and relational “unfolding.” Significant change and healing, especially from trauma or deep-seated issues, can take years but can lead to transformative shifts in a relationship.
Understand that “desire” in sexuality is a socially constructed narrative, not a timeless biological fact. This reframing can help challenge assumptions about what healthy sexuality entails and reduce pressure.
Challenge the narrative that desire must precede a fulfilling sexual life. Question assumptions about what constitutes “healthy sexuality” to recognize that many beliefs are stories, not facts, opening up alternative approaches.
For women, understand that desire often follows arousal, rather than preceding it. This paradigm shift can alleviate pressure to “feel desire” before engaging in sexual activity, promoting a more natural flow.
Adopt a sexual model that starts with “willingness” and ends with “pleasure,” rather than solely focusing on desire and orgasm. This broader definition allows for a more fulfilling and less “broken” sexual experience.
Focus on pleasure as the primary outcome for sexual encounters, rather than exclusively on orgasm. This broader perspective can enhance satisfaction and reduce performance pressure for both partners.
Begin sexual encounters with willingness, allowing arousal to emerge naturally, which can then lead to desire. This approach aligns with how many women experience sexuality and can reduce performance anxiety.
Recognize that arousal can stem from diverse sources: physical touch, mental fantasies, relational connection (e.g., acts of service, kindness, feeling heard), or intellectual stimulation. Explore these varied pathways to enhance sexual connection and keep things interesting.
Appreciate that attraction and arousal are not solely based on physical appearance or sexual chemistry; they can also be sparked by intellectual connection, shared passions, spiritual alignment, or even a voice. Broaden your understanding of what draws you to a partner for deeper connection.
Cultivate a deeper appreciation for your partner’s shared life experiences. For some, love and arousal can intensify with age as a result of a rich, lived history together, making the relationship more profound.
Leverage fantasy and a broad definition of sex to maintain a fulfilling sexual life, especially as physical capabilities change with age. The mind plays a significant role in sexuality, allowing for diverse forms of eroticism beyond physical function.
Broaden your definition of “sex” beyond genital activity, penetration, and orgasm by creating a “sexual menu.” This allows for diverse erotic experiences, prevents boredom, and adapts to physical changes over time, fostering a more fulfilling and sustainable sexual life.
Consider alternative models of sex that prioritize willingness and end in pleasure or emotional satisfaction, rather than solely desire and orgasm. This expands the possibilities for fulfilling sexual and intimate experiences beyond traditional definitions.
Practice non-reciprocal sex, where one partner pleasures the other without the expectation of mutual orgasm or arousal. This fluidity can reduce pressure, increase sexual frequency, and be a valuable resource for couples.
Recognize and challenge societal and relational pressures that discourage men from expressing sensitivity and vulnerability. Both men and women can contribute to creating an environment where emotional openness is accepted and encouraged.
Actively replace outdated or unhelpful relationship narratives (e.g., “we’re broken without desire”) with alternative, more empowering models. Education about diverse approaches to intimacy can lead to a more fluid and adaptable relationship perspective.
If you’re staying in an unhappy relationship due to fear of being alone, explore and understand the roots of this fear. Addressing individual anxieties about solitude can clarify your true desires for the relationship.
Challenge the narrative that divorce or a breakup signifies failure. Reframe the ending of a relationship as a potential growth opportunity, especially if it had substance and positive aspects.
Frame a relationship’s end as a positive transition, acknowledging the good memories and growth experienced. Strive to separate well, recognizing the partner as a “teacher” in your life, even if the journey together is complete.
During a separation, strive to remain in open communication to understand the reasons for the split and to integrate the positive aspects of the relationship into the separation process. This allows for a more constructive and respectful ending.
View difficult life experiences, including relationship endings, as learning opportunities. If a relationship is ending, try to engage in a process that allows both partners to learn as much as possible from the separation.
If children are involved in a separation, prioritize their well-being by ensuring they don’t feel guilty or responsible for the breakup. This focus can provide strength for parents to navigate difficult conversations constructively.
Actively seek and identify areas of overlap in your perspectives or needs, even if small, using the “Venn diagram” analogy. If no overlap can be found, explore what prevents connection and shared space.