Actively cultivate your imagination to maintain hope, meaning, and a sense of anticipation, projecting a better future to experience joy, freedom, and possibility in life and relationships.
Recognize that your mind creates stories that shape your experience; actively reshape narratives that limit your beliefs about love, work, and life to foster different possibilities.
When communicating, prioritize whether your words are useful for achieving your relationship goals over merely being ‘authentic,’ recognizing that being ‘right’ can leave you ‘alone’ and be ‘authentically useless.’
In relationships, commit to changing your own behavior and breaking old patterns, regardless of whether your partner changes, as this unilateral effort can shift the dynamic.
Recognize that long-term desire requires intentionality, creativity, and premeditation, challenging the romanticized idea that it should always be spontaneous.
Continuously discuss and define boundaries regarding closeness and separateness, including individual freedoms, shared commitments, finances, travel, parenting, extended family, and friendships, to clarify what is ‘ours’ versus ‘mine.’
When you or your partner criticize, recognize that it often masks an unexpressed wish or desire, and try to identify that underlying want rather than just reacting to the criticism.
Practice basic reflective listening daily by acknowledging and repeating what your partner says, especially their requests, to ensure they feel heard and to reduce defensiveness.
Before being ‘honest,’ consider the context of your relationship and ask if your honesty will be caring or cruel, recognizing that all interactions are contextual and have consequences.
Create and maintain regular rituals (e.g., weekly dates, monthly getaways) that dedicate specific time to the couple, signaling that the relationship matters and is prioritized amidst other life demands.
Consciously invest energy and time into the couple relationship, as its quality directly impacts the survival and well-being of the family unit.
Strive for a relationship where you feel both securely anchored and free to explore independently, trusting that your partner is at ease with your autonomy and will be there upon your return.
Understand that the way you argue (the choreography or form) is more crucial than the specific topic, as ingrained patterns like attacking or withdrawing will apply to all disagreements.
Instead of criticizing what your partner didn’t do, articulate your underlying wants and wishes directly, even though it requires vulnerability, as criticism is often a protective device against hurt.
Before speaking, clarify your true goal: do you want to diminish your partner, or do you want to achieve a specific positive outcome? Adjust your communication style accordingly if you want something from them.
To initiate difficult conversations, especially about sex or intimacy, use shared third-party content like podcasts or movies to provide vocabulary and permission, making it easier to ask ‘how do you feel about this?’
Establish a separate email address for your partner, dedicated solely to expressing sweet thoughts, jokes, songs, and pictures, fostering a ’lover’s nest’ to maintain erotic space and see each other beyond daily logistics.
Continuously cultivate curiosity about your partner, recognizing that they remain somewhat mysterious and elusive, which encourages active listening and ongoing discovery.
Consider dedicating the ‘best hour’ of your day, such as waking up an hour earlier, to spend with your partner when you are most alert and curious, rather than giving them only leftover time.
Combat the fading of desire by actively reinvesting in sexual imagination, playfulness, and creativity, treating it as a cherished experience rather than a perfunctory chore.
Counter the paradox where increased intimacy can lead to decreased sexual openness by actively seeking ways to reopen conversations and vulnerability that may have diminished over time.
When faced with a single story or perspective about a relationship or situation, actively question if it’s the only one and seek out other untold stories or ways to view it.
Aim to reframe the narrative of your relationship to open possibilities for new insights, changes, and a freed perception of your partner, fostering movement and growth.
To understand and connect with others, focus on seeing and acknowledging their narrative, rather than necessarily agreeing with it.
When discussing disagreements, frame them in terms of differing values rather than personal failings, shifting the conversation from ‘you’re bad’ to ‘you’re different’ to foster understanding.
Work to prevent arguments from escalating rapidly from zero to 100, and avoid constantly proving oneself, allowing for genuine listening and de-escalation.
Understand that significant change, like in therapy, involves initial broad interventions to establish basics, followed by detailed chiseling to create lasting new patterns.
Understand that fundamental relationship issues often appear early on, and while conversations evolve, the core themes remain present throughout different life stages.
Have explicit conversations early in a relationship about fundamental life decisions such as living arrangements, family plans, and professional life integration, rather than making assumptions.
Engage in conversations about each other’s values, expectations, and vision for life to assess compatibility and prevent future misunderstandings.
Be aware that growing apart manifests as either chronic conflict (bickering, blame, counterattack) or disengagement (indifference, isolation, lack of connection), both indicating a breakdown in relational choreography.
Recognize that both passion and stability are products of imagination, offering a more flexible perspective on relationships and life.
Develop a clear sense of where you come from, who you are, and why you need to survive, as this determination can be a powerful force for resilience.
Actively make connections and create deep friendships, as relying on others and fighting together can be crucial for survival and resilience.
Embrace the impermanence of life by fully savoring and experiencing the present moment, giving it your fullest attention and energy.
When practicing new communication techniques, incorporate humor to make the process more effective and to help grasp the underlying serious points.
If you have doubts or feelings that are hurtful and unchangeable by your partner (e.g., ‘I’m no longer in love with you’), deal with them internally first rather than burdening your partner with something they cannot act upon.
Do not project your personal problems or feelings of entrapment onto your partner; take responsibility for your own choices and emotions rather than using ‘honesty’ as a weapon.
Challenge the notion that longevity is the sole marker of relationship success and that every breakup is a failure, reframing separation as a potential choice for growth rather than an automatic failure.
When separating, strive to wish your former partner well and release bitterness, as a positive departure prepares you better for future relationships.
Recognize that the quality of a breakup significantly impacts how you approach and trust in future relationships, influencing collaboration and self-protection.
When ending a relationship, articulate the distinction between still loving or caring for someone and no longer wanting to live with them, acknowledging that ’love life and life is not the same.’
If divorcing with children, understand that it is a reorganization of the family unit, not its end, and plan accordingly to maintain family function.
When separating, resist the urge to destroy, vilify, or demonize your former partner as a means of justification, as this hinders a healthy separation.
In a separation, articulate your reasons (e.g., ‘I do this for me’), express well wishes, acknowledge shared experiences, and take accountability for your own contributions and shortcomings.
True honesty involves not only what you say about others but also a reckoning with your own accountability, acknowledging where you showed up or were absent in a relationship.
Approach both the beginning and ending of relationships with deliberation and intention, recognizing these as crucial psychological bookmarks in your relational life.