Support women in asserting their basic bodily autonomy, recognizing that they are often conditioned to sacrifice it for others’ comfort and happiness, and need help to fully grasp this right.
Recognize and challenge the ‘human giver syndrome,’ where individuals (often women) feel a moral obligation to prioritize others’ needs, as this dynamic impedes genuine consent and self-expression.
Parents must address their own discomfort and cultural biases around gender roles, consent, and bodily autonomy to provide healthier sex education to their children.
Start discussing sex early and often with children, using accurate body part names and simple relationship concepts, to foster comfort and openness around sexuality.
Respond neutrally and positively when children explore or name their genitals, communicating that these body parts are normal and safe to discuss, rather than instilling shame.
Understand that true consent goes beyond a simple ‘yes’ and requires individuals to be free from the ‘human giver’ role, enabling them to express genuine desires and boundaries.
Support men in feeling comfortable saying no to sex, acknowledging that cultural messages often equate refusal with failure, leading to deep self-doubt and relationship issues.
Understand that men often carry a deep, hidden wound related to sexual rejection, as their worth is culturally tied to sexual prowess, making rejection feel like a fundamental personal failure.
Recognize that both men and women are often taught to suppress emotions (men: vulnerability, women: anything but happiness/sadness), leading to a lack of practice in feeling and discussing feelings.
Focus on pleasure as the true measure of sexual well-being, emphasizing whether you genuinely enjoy the sex you are having, rather than frequency, specific acts, or number of orgasms.
Build a strong friendship with your partner and actively prioritize sex, consciously deciding it matters for your relationship quality, as these are common traits of couples with sustained sexual connections.
Define and build trust in relationships by being emotionally present and available for your partner, which is crucial for navigating complexities and maintaining connection.
Build trust by consistently being trustworthy yourself and by extending trust to others, as there is a strong relationship between one’s own trustworthiness and the willingness to trust.
Make cuddling after sex a habit, as this simple act is a strong predictor of both sex and relationship satisfaction, more so than frequency or orgasm count.
Understand the biological and social power of sex as a bonding and attachment behavior, especially in long-term relationships, fostering deep emotional connection.
Employ accurate anatomical language (e.g., differentiating vulva from vagina) to foster a more comprehensive and less confused understanding of the body and reduce shame.
Acknowledge and address the ‘squick reaction’ (discomfort, withdrawal, shock, disgust) to sex talk, which stems from mixed cultural messages, to become more comfortable discussing sexuality.
When initiating difficult conversations, especially about sex, use a ‘gentle startup’ by asking permission to talk and expressing its importance, ensuring a more productive discussion.
Begin discussions about sexual connection with positive affirmations, highlighting what you love and value about it, to create a safer and more receptive environment.
Address accumulated uncomfortable feelings (‘sleepy hedgehogs’) in a relationship with kindness and compassion, picking them up one by one to clear space for connection.
Build trust by consistently meeting commitments, such as showing up on time or communicating delays, as reliability is fundamental to a secure relationship.
Develop the ability to stay grounded in your own emotional center of gravity, managing insecurities and self-doubt, rather than projecting them onto your partner’s actions.
Recognize that your emotional state profoundly influences how your brain interprets physical sensations, meaning the same touch can feel pleasurable or irritating depending on context.
Approach passion and sex with joy and laughter, as joylessness is considered a ‘worst sin’ that diminishes the experience and connection.
Actively cultivate playfulness and a sense of freedom to experiment with your partner (’ludic factors’), as fun and exploration significantly enhance sexual pleasure.
Remember that consenting adults can engage in any sexual act they mutually desire, emphasizing explicit permission and open communication for all forms of intimacy.
Pay attention to the sexual setting, as environmental factors (e.g., privacy, comfort, lack of distractions) can significantly influence pleasure and satisfaction.
Understand and embrace responsive desire, where desire emerges in response to pleasure, as a normal and healthy aspect of long-term sexual connection, rather than expecting constant spontaneous desire.
Focus on improving your overall mental and physical well-being, as it is the best predictor of your sexual well-being, especially for women.
Appreciate partner characteristics beyond physical appearance, such as sense of humor or expertise in their passions, as these contribute significantly to attraction and pleasure.
Prioritize getting enough sleep, as even one extra hour can significantly increase the chances of having sex and improve its quality.
Be aware of how other life circumstances, such as stress from work, family, or finances, can act as ‘brakes’ on sexual desire and pleasure, and manage them where possible.
If sex stops in a relationship, view it as a sign that something has changed and initiate a conversation with your partner to explore underlying causes, which may or may not be relationship-related.
Process feelings of betrayal and heartbreak through healthy outlets like imagination, talking with friends, physical activity, sobbing, or writing, to move through the darkness and heal.
Avoid seeking revenge for betrayal or heartbreak, as it does not provide satisfaction and is not an effective way to process feelings; instead, deal with your emotions separately from the situation.
Recognize that affairs often occur because individuals are seeking to fulfill unmet emotional needs that are lacking in their primary relationship, rather than solely sexual desires.
View porn as poor sex education, understanding it depicts professional, often unrealistic scenarios that do not accurately represent how sex works in real life.
Be aware that using porn as a maladaptive strategy to numb out from negative emotions, rather than engaging with a partner, can lead to an unhealthy relationship with porn and alienate partners.
Approach open relationships only with a profound degree of love and trust, and be prepared for exponentially more complicated emotional dynamics requiring extensive, planned communication.
Avoid adding another person (e.g., a baby, or opening a relationship) to ‘save’ a struggling relationship, as this rarely makes things easier and often complicates existing issues.
Understand that stress, regardless of its source, is a common factor that ‘hits the brakes’ on sexual desire and connection for most people.
Understand that all human genitalia are made of the same parts, just organized differently, to recognize complexities and normalize variations without judgment.
Recognize sex’s primary function as a social behavior for bonding and connection, rather than solely reproduction, to reframe its purpose.