When you are most frustrated and least want to listen, lean into the conflict to better understand the other person’s perspective first, even if they don’t yet understand yours, to be effective in critical moments.
Shift your conversation purpose from trying to change the other person or prove you’re right to genuinely seeking to understand their perspective and why the situation is difficult for them, which makes the conversation more fruitful regardless of agreement.
Enter difficult conversations with the primary agenda of understanding the other person’s perspective, rather than immediately aiming for resolution, as this lowers stakes and fosters better dialogue.
Train yourself to lean into conflict and listen when you are least inclined and most frustrated, as this counter-instinctual response is crucial for effectiveness in critical moments.
Adopt a listening strategy as the most persuasive approach, as it helps you learn underlying interests, changes the relationship dynamic, and encourages reciprocity where others are more likely to listen to you.
Practice ‘second position skills’ by stepping into someone else’s shoes to imagine their perspective, priorities, and concerns, asking questions to learn as much as possible to craft mutually beneficial options.
Shift your internal voice from focusing on being right to cultivating curiosity about why others see things differently, asking yourself what you might be missing in their perspective.
In conflicts, shift focus from blaming to understanding joint contribution, recognizing that both parties made choices that led to the situation, which helps identify what needs to change and be fixed.
Move from assigning blame to assessing joint contribution by considering what each person did or failed to do, which helps in understanding the situation and finding solutions.
Instead of assuming negative intentions or character in others, focus on describing the impact their actions have had on you.
To address deeper problems in difficult conversations, ensure you talk about the feelings involved and how each person feels treated in the relationship, beyond just the surface issue.
When emotions are present in a conversation, name them directly and professionally (e.g., ‘I’m frustrated,’ ‘I’m confused’) to acknowledge the emotional dynamic without being ’emotional,’ which can cut to the heart of the issue faster.
When experiencing strong emotions like anger, take time to unpack what other feelings (e.g., hurt, disappointment) might be bundled underneath, and then share a more complete set of feelings for a more constructive conversation.
Listen beyond accusations and arguments to identify the underlying feelings being expressed; acknowledge these feelings (e.g., ‘I can imagine that was pretty frustrating’), allowing the other person to correct you if needed, to shift the conversation to the emotional core.
Share your own feelings by describing them (e.g., ‘I’m disappointed,’ ‘I’m frustrated’) to invite reciprocity from the other person, fostering a more open and vulnerable exchange.
Have an internal conversation to reframe black-and-white identity stories (e.g., ‘I’m not a quitter’) by acknowledging the limits of these ideals and accepting that you cannot be 100% consistent all the time, which is a human reality.
Approach conversations with purpose, considering how you want the interaction to proceed and what choices you can make to respond rather than react, moving closer to a useful outcome.
When you notice yourself becoming dictatorial or frustrated, recognize that this strategy escalates conflict; take a break, walk away, and return to the conversation later with a more productive approach.
Recognize that individuals may need different amounts of recovery time to move past a reactionary emotional state before they can engage in a constructive conversation.
When conflicts arise, avoid defaulting to email as it tends to escalate fastest and is difficult to resolve through that medium; instead, pick up the phone for more effective communication.
When receiving an upsetting email, pause and wait for your adrenaline to subside before responding; reread the email and consider how you want to respond purposefully, rather than reacting immediately.
When a conversation is stuck on a recurring issue, transparently name the impasse (e.g., ‘we’ve talked about this a hundred times, it’s not getting anywhere’) and frame it as a joint problem to solve together.
In escalating conflicts, use humor or an ‘affiliation move’ to reconnect, break the cycle of frustration, and shift the dynamic, allowing for self-observation and a new approach.
In relationships, a negative response is often better than no response at all, as silence can signal indifference and being ignored, whereas even a critical response keeps the interaction alive.
Avoid holding back negative feedback or disappointments to maintain a high positive-to-negative interaction ratio, as suppressing these conversations can lead to long-term relationship deterioration.
Model for your children the ability to see other points of view, take responsibility for their contributions, apologize, work to fix problems, and speak up for themselves when not treated well.
Model desired behavior by apologizing to your children when you handle situations poorly (e.g., yelling), expressing your disappointment in yourself, and walking the talk of what you want them to learn.
As children get older, shift more responsibility to them and allow them to make their own mistakes (within safe bounds), walking alongside them rather than preventing every misstep.
When children are approaching a mistake, offer them valuable information or recommendations rather than making decisions for them.
When you feel your patience nearing its limit, provide clear warnings to children about approaching boundaries, allowing them to choose their response and understand the impending shift.
Encourage children to be persuasive by having them articulate what they want, why they want it, and what benefits it offers to the other person, fostering critical life skills.
Teach children that to get what they want, they need to understand and address the interests and priorities of the other person (e.g., parents).
Pay attention to the behaviors you are accidentally rewarding, especially in children, as they will repeat what works to get what they want.
Identify your go-to negotiation strategies, recognize where they serve you well, and actively work to build a broader repertoire of skills and tools to adapt to situations where your default approaches are ineffective.
Recognize that difficult conversations are integral to relationships; handling them well strengthens and fosters thriving connections, while mishandling them leads to deterioration.
If your coping strategy of calmness is escalating another person’s upset (who interprets your calm as not caring), break the cycle by showing or telling them that the situation matters to you and that you find it frustrating or upsetting.