Practice noticing your own agitation, stopping, and calming yourself down, as children observe and learn self-regulation from your behavior.
Ensure your children know they are acceptable with all their feelings and that you will always be there to help, protect, and provide for them, offering emotional and physical love.
Show your children that you adore and delight in them just for who they are, providing unconditional love that is not dependent on their performance or achievements.
Support children in choosing to give up immediate wants for something they desire more, as this practice builds neural pathways for self-discipline, resilience, and improved self-regulation.
Establish a household culture that focuses on finding solutions rather than assigning blame, empowering children to take responsibility by being in control of making things better for themselves.
Recognize that your thoughts and belief systems create your feelings; by noticing and challenging thoughts that trigger fear or anger, you can prevent those emotions from escalating.
Apply conscious awareness to your unconscious fears, as this process helps them lose their power and allows for clearer perception of the present moment.
Always accept a person’s feelings as they are, reminding yourself that emotions are often temporary, and loving them completely with all their inconvenient feelings will foster better relationships.
Minimize ongoing conflict and raised voices in the home, as these elevate children’s stress hormones, making them more anxious and challenging.
If children witness conflict between parents, ensure they also see the resolution process, modeling constructive ways to work through disagreements.
In conflicts, take responsibility for your part and show compassion for your partner, as this approach encourages them to reciprocate with compassion and take responsibility for their actions.
Engage in emotion coaching to help children better understand and manage their feelings, which is a fundamental aspect of constructive parenting.
Pay attention to the physical sensations in your body (e.g., tight belly, clenched fists) that signal the onset of strong emotions like anger or frustration.
When feeling overwhelmed by a child’s behavior, take a deep breath and remind yourself that it’s not an emergency, allowing you to interrupt the emotional process and choose a constructive response.
Verbally label the emotions you are experiencing (e.g., “I’m feeling so angry”) to gain more control over them and increase your choice in how to act, rather than being at their mercy.
When labeling emotions, use phrases like “I’m feeling angry” rather than “I am angry” to emphasize that you are experiencing an emotion, not defined by it, and retain control over your actions.
When faced with defiance, take a deep breath, acknowledge your anger, and consciously choose a constructive response, reminding yourself that the child’s defiance is often age-appropriate and not an emergency.
Approach parenting from a place of compassion and heart-led leadership, focusing on protecting and supporting your child to become their best self, rather than on who is right or wrong.
Offer loving guidance to your children by setting clear boundaries and enforcing rules, as children need protection and direction, and this can be done without attacking them.
Establish boundaries and enforce rules with your children without resorting to physical punishment or causing emotional pain, as these methods are not effective for long-term behavioral change.
Establish clear limits on technology use, enforce reasonable bedtimes, and prevent children from running roughshod over others to support them in becoming their best selves.
When setting limits, acknowledge and validate your child’s disappointment, showing empathy even when you must enforce rules for their well-being.
Beyond unconditional love, support your children in learning to do things well and developing competence, as this contributes significantly to their self-esteem.
Involve children in family responsibilities, framing it as “we all contribute,” as research indicates that contributing to the family helps children develop better.
Understand that making children happy is not always the goal; accept and allow them to experience unhappiness when limits are set or things don’t go their way, as this builds resilience.
Permit children to experience negative feelings and disappointment, as this teaches them that the world doesn’t end and helps them develop resilience and grit.
Repeatedly guide your children to choose to forgo immediate desires for something they value more in the long run, fostering self-discipline and a sense of contribution.
Proactively arrange the child’s environment (e.g., moving tempting objects out of reach) to prevent undesirable behaviors, especially with toddlers, rather than relying solely on direct intervention.
Actively help children practice new skills repeatedly, as this consistent repetition is crucial for building neural pathways and developing self-discipline.
When a child is engaging in undesirable behavior, gently intervene, get to their level, explain the reasons for the limit (e.g., “don’t hurt this sandcastle”), and move them away, repeating as necessary.
Instead of just yelling “no,” explain the reasons behind rules and limits to your child, as understanding the “why” provides intrinsic motivation for them to comply and learn self-management.
Coach children on specific phrases and strategies to communicate constructively during conflicts with siblings or peers, such as asking “When will you be done?” or stating “I’m still using this.”
Respond to children’s emotions by acknowledging and validating what they are feeling (e.g., “You look frustrated,” “No wonder you’re angry”), rather than denying or dismissing their feelings.
When a child expresses extreme defiance, reestablish safety by affirming your unconditional love and presence, then invite them to communicate their anger, opening the door to real conversation.
Train yourself to take a deep breath and remind yourself that a child’s big emotions are not an emergency, are not permanent, and are allowed, which helps you respond constructively.
Accept all of your child’s feelings, even inconvenient ones, as this builds unshakable self-esteem, resilience, and a deep, trusting relationship where they are open to your influence.
When a child is upset, listen and validate their feelings without immediately jumping in with solutions, allowing them to elaborate and vent their emotions fully.
After validating emotions, guide children to think about how they might respond to a situation by asking open-ended questions like “I wonder what you’ll say,” encouraging them to consider different options.
After a child has vented, ask open-ended questions like “I wonder what would happen then” to encourage them to explore solutions themselves and develop their reflective capacity, rather than lecturing.
In a conflict, be the first to extend an olive branch and apologize for your contribution, even if you feel attacked, demonstrating responsibility and a desire for resolution.
Communicate to your partner (in front of kids) that you dislike raised voices, express your love, and voice confidence in your ability to work things out constructively as a team.
If a partner remains angry after an apology, acknowledge their feelings, suggest working it out later, reassure that things will be okay, and then shift the subject to de-escalate the situation.
Avoid suppressing or ignoring conflicts, as children need to see how disagreements are resolved to learn constructive relationship skills and maintain trust in their parents.
When assigning responsibilities, consider if the task is age-appropriate and if the child has developed the habit for it, providing reminders and support as needed for habit formation.
When children resist a responsibility, ask open-ended questions to understand their underlying reasons (e.g., peer pressure, discomfort) rather than assuming their motivation.
Allow children to experience natural consequences for forgetting responsibilities, rescue them once with clear communication that it’s a one-time exception, and then empower them to find solutions for future prevention.
If a child blames you for their forgotten responsibility, acknowledge their desire to blame, but gently reaffirm their responsibility and offer support in developing systems, not acting as their fail-safe.
From around age five, involve children in the process of packing their own backpack, including items like lunch and school books, to foster independence and responsibility.
Place a visual reminder on the backpack for items that need to be added last minute in the morning, prompting children to check before leaving the house.
If you have consistently been the one reminding your child of a task, acknowledge your role in their lack of practice and take responsibility for your part in the situation.
If you typically remind your child about a task and forget, apologize for your oversight and express sympathy for the consequence they face.
When teaching children a new skill, be very involved in the beginning, providing support and guidance, then gradually disengage as it becomes their responsibility to master it, without shame or blame.
When a child attempts to blame others, acknowledge their difficulty in the situation, gently state it’s not your fault, and then pivot to finding a solution together for future prevention.
When children suggest you be their reminder, affirm their capability to develop their own memory and skills, explaining that your role is to support their learning, not to be their lifelong memory.
Regularly spend time in green spaces, as being in nature calms you down and significantly boosts your immune system’s effectiveness for several weeks.
Parents in blended families should engage in deep, meaningful conversations to align on expectations, discipline approaches, and how to address concerns as they arise, ensuring a unified front.
When blending families, have open discussions with children about their concerns, hold regular meetings, reassure them of your love, and clearly define that biological parents are primarily responsible for disciplining their own children.
Expect a rocky adjustment period when blending families and proactively create safe ways for children to express their feelings and concerns, preventing them from shutting down.
In blended families, the biological parent should remain the primary disciplinarian for their own child, as step-parents may not have the same understanding or deep investment in the child’s best interests.
Step-parents should prioritize building a warm, connecting relationship with step-children before attempting to discipline, as a strong relationship fosters influence and willingness to follow guidance.
Create a consistent evening routine for children to build their sense of security, reduce acting out, and teach them best practices for daily living.
Intentionally build dedicated connection time into daily routines (e.g., evening routine) to strengthen your relationship with your child, especially if natural connection opportunities are scarce.
Design an evening routine by starting with the desired bedtime and working backwards, mapping out each step (e.g., story, snuggling, bath, dinner) to determine when each activity needs to begin.
Collaborate with your children to create their evening routine, letting them contribute to the list of tasks and timing, and even help create a visual chart, to foster their buy-in and ownership.
Observe if your children wake up naturally without an alarm or being woken by you; if not, it’s an important indicator that they are likely not getting enough sleep.
If your child is light-sensitive and wakes up cranky with light, install blackout curtains to ensure they get undisturbed sleep.