Let go of non-critical matters by asking if something is life-threatening, morally-threatening, or unhealthy. If not, allow it to pass, focusing energy on truly significant concerns.
Apply the golden rule to children: never treat a child in a way you would not want to be treated yourself. This fosters respect and models ethical behavior.
Ensure that any disciplinary action or interaction leaves both your dignity and the child’s dignity intact. Avoid actions that destroy a child’s sense of self-worth or harm them.
Provide children with opportunities to make choices, decisions, and mistakes, then hold them accountable for their actions. This helps them understand that what they do matters and they have agency in their lives.
Continuously increase age- and ability-appropriate responsibilities and decision-making opportunities for children, while gradually decreasing limits and boundaries. The goal is for them to be fully responsible for their own behavior and choices by the time they leave home.
Implement a clear framework for responding to mistakes, mischief, and mayhem: for mistakes, ‘own it, fix it, learn from it, move on’; for mischief, show them what they did wrong, give ownership, and provide solutions; for mayhem (bullying), use restorative practices (restitution, resolution, reconciliation).
Instead of demanding an apology, require the child to own what they did and fix it. Genuine remorse is shown through action, not just words, especially when apologies can be insincere.
When engaging in restorative practices for mayhem, ensure the child who caused harm shows genuine remorse. If they smirk or don’t take it seriously, stop the process and revisit it later, as true healing cannot occur without it.
Provide children who are targeted with tools for standing up and speaking out for themselves. This includes teaching assertive language and physical stances, and encouraging them to remove themselves from uncomfortable situations.
Recognize and address sibling bullying using the ’three R’s’ (restitution, resolution, reconciliation) framework. Do not dismiss it as normal conflict, as it can have long-term negative impacts on the targeted child.
Educate children on personal boundaries and influence by explaining they control half of an interaction, influence 100% of it, and ’no’ is a complete sentence. This empowers them in conflict and personal relationships.
Teach children the difference between tattling (getting someone in trouble) and telling/reporting (getting someone out of trouble or stopping harm). Reinforce that reporting harm is courageous and necessary.
When addressing bullying, prioritize keeping the targeted child and any witnesses safe, even if it means delaying direct confrontation with the bully. Gather information discreetly to intervene effectively without risking further harm to the victim.
Demonstrate assertive communication by directly confronting bigoted or inappropriate comments, even from family members. Explain to your children why you are doing so, showing them how to stand up for values when it’s difficult.
Ensure consequences are RSVP: Reasonable, Simple, Valuable (teaching a lesson), and Practical. This makes discipline effective and focused on learning rather than punishment.
Prioritize a child’s learning and development over parental efficiency. Allow children to take longer to complete tasks like making lunch or doing laundry, understanding that these are crucial steps toward independence.
Teach children age-appropriate chores from a young age and hold them accountable. The goal is for them to be capable of managing a household and their own needs by the time they leave home.
If you feel you’ve ‘done it all wrong’ with older children, affirm that it’s never too late to start teaching responsibility. Initiate conversations about increasing their responsibilities and reducing limits, working together towards their independence.
Establish a ’no questions asked’ policy where children can call you anytime, anywhere, if they feel uncomfortable or need to leave a situation. This provides a safe way out without fear of judgment or punishment.
Instead of always saying ’no,’ use alternatives like ‘yes, later,’ ‘give me a minute,’ or ‘convince me.’ This encourages children to think, negotiate, and understand reasoning, reserving ’no’ for truly critical situations.
When you must say ’no’ to a significant request (e.g., staying out all night), provide clear, impactful reasons related to safety, such as ‘sex, jail, drugs, and personal safety.’ This helps them understand the risks and your rationale.
Give children permission to use you as an excuse (e.g., ‘Mom won’t let me’). This provides them with a way to save face and avoid peer pressure in uncomfortable or risky situations without having to directly refuse.
When you make a mistake or react poorly, admit it to your children by saying, ‘I blew it.’ Take a moment to calm down, reset, and involve them in finding a sensible solution, modeling vulnerability and problem-solving.
Use time out specifically for calming down and figuring out how to fix a wrong action, not as a blanket punishment. Offer choices for where to calm down (e.g., ‘rocker room or on my lap’) to help them regain control.
Hold family meetings to address issues with a clear structure: ‘You’ve got a problem, what’s your plan?’ This empowers children to actively participate in finding solutions to family challenges, from chores to holiday plans.
Understand that your role shifts from parent during formative years to mentor and guide during adolescence, and eventually to a good friend in adulthood. Adapt your approach to meet their developmental needs.
Regularly convey these messages to children: ‘I believe in you, I trust in you, I know you can handle it, you’re listened to, you’re cared for, you’re very important to me.’ This builds psychological safety and self-worth.
Focus on encouragement, which can happen anytime, especially when a child struggles, rather than just praise, which is judgmental and only occurs after a deed is done perfectly. Encouragement builds resilience.
When complimenting, ‘stroke the deed, not the kid.’ Be specific about the action and its positive impact (e.g., ‘Thank you for walking the dog; he’s so happy’). This affirms their agency and teaches cause-and-effect.
In an educational context, use a ‘green pen’ to mark correct answers and instruct children to fix the incorrect ones. This conveys belief in their ability to learn and improve, rather than highlighting failure.
When children share achievements or struggles, respond with ‘Talk to me about it. Tell me about it.’ This open-ended invitation encourages them to share their experiences and feelings, fostering deeper communication.
Teach children that if they have a gift, they have an obligation to use it for the benefit of others. Connect their talents to opportunities for service or collaboration, rather than just personal achievement.
Identify and highlight children’s unique strengths, especially those with learning disabilities or impulsive tendencies. Create opportunities for them to shine and use these traits constructively, like an impulsive child becoming a lifeguard.
Begin teaching children about being digitally savvy, civil, and safe around age five, even if they don’t own a device. They will encounter digital tools through friends, so early education is crucial.
Teach children (and model yourself) to filter all communication, online and offline, through three gates: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? If it doesn’t pass all three, do not send or say it.
For early teens, maintain a policy of ’trust but verify’ regarding digital safety, including knowing their passwords. This balance of trust and oversight helps protect them from online dangers.
Actively use resources like commonsensemedia.org and stopcyberbullying.org to stay informed about the latest apps, games, and online safety concerns, and to access expert-developed handouts for parents and educators.
Have age- and ability-appropriate conversations with children about real-world online dangers, such as predators and blackmail, using examples like the Amanda Todd case. This prepares them for potential threats.
Advocate and demand that tech companies developing digital tools invest resources to help keep children safe online, as parents and educators cannot do it alone.
From a very young age, teach children the proper anatomical terms for their bodies. This normalizes conversations about sexuality and reduces the likelihood of using derogatory terms later on.
Around age five, teach children the clear distinction between teasing (mutual, lighthearted, benign) and taunting (one-sided, intended to harm, bigoted). This helps them identify and respond to bullying behavior.
By fourth grade, educate children on the difference between healthy flirting (normal, natural, mutual) and sexual bullying (harmful, one-sided, non-consensual). This provides crucial social-sexual literacy.
When children ask questions about sexuality, respond calmly and openly, finding out what they are truly asking. If they use a derogatory sexual term, stop it immediately, as it is mean and cruel.
Be proactive in preparing children for puberty, utilizing community resources like hospital sessions for parents and children. Have sanitary packs ready for girls and be open to discussing body changes as they occur.
When discussing drugs, sex, or past mistakes, focus on imparting life lessons rather than oversharing your own past wrongdoings. Some experiences are best left unshared, especially if they don’t serve a constructive purpose.
Consistently let your children know that you love them, you are there for them, and you accept them for who they are, regardless of their identity or choices. This builds a foundation of security and trust.