Consciously choose to be comfortable with uncomfortable feelings and situations, as resisting discomfort can lead to creating a world that forces it upon you.
Become comfortable with the state of “I don’t know,” as resisting it leads to defense mechanisms and prevents learning.
Consciously let go of the need to be “right” from a defensive, righteous point of view, as this allows for more vulnerability and openness.
Recognize that your emotional, physical, and mental states are happening “by you,” making you the creator of your experience rather than a victim of external circumstances.
Shift your focus from proving yourself right to achieving the best possible outcome, recognizing that ego can hinder effective decision-making and collaboration.
Adopt the mantra “I’d rather learn than be right” to foster curiosity and openness, preventing missed opportunities for growth that arise from a need to prove oneself correct.
Consciously work to make invisible thoughts, feelings, and stories visible, as this fosters a friendlier environment, allows for action, and promotes growth.
Cultivate self-awareness by identifying, naming, and “playing” with your internal “parts” or “personas,” allowing all of them to be present and integrated rather than suppressed, so they don’t unconsciously control you.
Accept and make space for all parts of yourself, even those you dislike (e.g., “the bitch”), recognizing their potential gifts and learning to consciously “play” them rather than being unconsciously run by their reactivity.
Cultivate self-love for all your internal parts, recognizing that you are “just like” others in your own way, which fosters curiosity, openness, and better collaborative decision-making.
When under stress, recognize you’re perceiving a threat and have left presence; return to the “right now” by sourcing approval, control, and security internally, taking a breath, and accepting any fear.
To enhance effectiveness, cultivate presence by regularly using tools (e.g., phone reminders, meditation, body awareness) to bring yourself back to a non-triggered, non-reactive state in the present moment, treating it like a “gym for consciousness.”
Raise your standards by discerningly saying no to merely “good” opportunities to create space for “exquisite” ones that are more aligned, purposeful, and impactful.
Identify and address your “upper limits problem,” which is the unconscious tendency to cap how good your life, relationships, or work can be, often based on early life experiences.
When you hit an upper limit (feeling life is “too good”), engage in simple, grounding activities (e.g., sweeping, watching a movie, taking a bath) to integrate the positive experience and allow your nervous system to settle into a new level of happiness.
Overcome unconscious patterns that make you scared to be happy or feel you don’t deserve it; learn to let life be good without apologizing, feeling bad, or worrying about future negative events.
Identify how you are actively creating the undesired patterns in your life (e.g., “bad sex”) by holding limiting beliefs or withholding preferences, and recognize that you have the power to change them.
To catalyze change, be willing to face and fully feel the discomfort and cost of the patterns you are currently in.
When experiencing discomfort, first notice the physical sensations in your body, then welcome them without judgment, allowing them to move through you completely.
Instead of distracting or numbing out uncomfortable feelings, stay present with them to allow the intelligence they carry to move through you.
Avoid labeling bodily sensations as good, bad, pleasurable, or uncomfortable; instead, simply name them as what’s actually occurring as a sensation to prevent contraction.
Utilize deep breathing to relax the body, regain a sense of personal power, and enhance awareness, which helps you push through vulnerable edges.
Embrace and fully feel emotions like anger rather than suppressing them, as suppression can lead to unpredictable, longer-lasting, and more difficult expressions later.
To break cognitive-emotive loops, drop beneath the story and focus on the raw bodily sensations, allowing the body to process and express them fully.
Create an environment where anger is welcomed and explored, allowing its expression (e.g., through sound) rather than suppressing it, which validates its unwelcomeness.
Recognize when suppressed emotions combine with a “righteous” story to create a looping pattern of thought and feeling, leading to prolonged upset.
Learn to recognize the three roles of the drama triangle (victim, villain, hero) in yourself and others to understand and shift away from reactive patterns and temporary fixes.
When stuck in drama, exaggerate and play out the victim, villain, and hero roles (e.g., bitch, moan, complain) to release the energy and then consciously choose to move off the triangle to learn and co-create new solutions.
Recognize and accept that being in the drama triangle means you are in a state of threat (to security, control, or approval), as accepting this is the first step to shifting your behavior.
To shift from a state of threat to trust, ask yourself and others “willingness questions” such as: Am I willing to stop blaming? Am I willing to stop being righteous? Am I willing to feel my feelings and let others feel theirs? Am I willing to truly listen and be candid? Am I willing to recognize my part in broken agreements?
By being willing to shift from threat to trust, you enter an open state of mind, emotion, and body, activating your IQ, EQ, and BQ, making you more available for learning and new solutions.
In team settings, honor and leverage the diverse intellectual, emotional, and body intelligences of each member to arrive at more comprehensive and agreed-upon next steps.
Strive to access and honor all three centers of intelligence (intellectual, emotional, and body/instinctual), even if you lead with one, to make more effective decisions.
When your intellectual data conflicts with a strong bodily sense or intuition, learn to trust your body’s knowing, as it can often be more accurate.
Make the best choices based on your knowledge and intelligences, but hold those decisions loosely, remaining open to new information or perspectives that could challenge your current understanding.
Before forming an opinion, do the work to understand the opposing argument better than those who hold it, ensuring your opinions are well-earned and considered.
To challenge stories and beliefs, directly ask someone (or yourself) to argue the opposing side of an issue, as if their life depended on it, to uncover new learning and perspectives.
For teams divided on a decision, have them physically move to the opposing side of the room and argue that perspective, fostering understanding and new insights.
In co-committed relationships, when someone is being righteous, gently model curiosity by wondering aloud how the opposite perspective might also be true, becoming the presence that invites their openness.
Create a “sacred law” for yourself: whenever you catch yourself wanting to be “right,” immediately pause and force yourself to consider how the opposite or another perspective could be equally true, fostering curiosity and openness.
Do not attempt to make change from a righteous opinion, as this approach is counterproductive and will only perpetuate the existing issue rather than resolve it.
Recognize when changes are merely superficial “deck chair moving” that perpetuate old patterns; instead, drop deeper into vulnerability (e.g., “I’m scared,” “I don’t know”) to find new starting points.
Encourage teams to share the “stories we make up in our heads” about each other, asking “how is it true?” to uncover valuable feedback and improve decision-making.
Practice “fact and story” by stating a factual observation followed by “here’s a story I make up about that,” which allows for candid feedback while reducing defensiveness.
Recognize that in an increasingly chaotic and unpredictable world, teams that prioritize and cultivate presence will be more effective and successful.
When giving or receiving feedback, recognize that it often reveals more about the giver’s own beliefs or unacknowledged traits than it does about the receiver.
Before giving feedback, consider if the opposite of your feedback could be equally true, allowing you to hold your feedback lightly and make it more receptive.
Value and allow for messiness and tension in the workplace, as trying to be too neat and avoid offense often suppresses growth and learning.
Extend more patience and support to others when they “fall down” or make mistakes, recognizing that they are learning and growing, while still holding them accountable for their work.
When evaluating ideas or situations, shift focus from whose truth is “right” to whether the approach or solution actually works.
When presented with ideas or advice, selectively take what works for you and ignore the rest, rather than trying to apply everything universally.
Take ultimate responsibility for whether you allow yourself to be upset, recognizing that you have decision rights over your own emotional state, even if others create challenging conditions.
Employ tools like meditation and other skills to build awareness and stay present, especially in challenging situations, to avoid being easily upset.
Employ the drama triangle (victim, villain, hero) as a daily tool for self-awareness and understanding relationship dynamics.
Understand that drama is characterized by repeating patterns of reactivity, which prevents reasoning and genuine response.
Approach challenging situations and learning with a sense of playfulness rather than seriousness, as seriousness can shut down awareness and hinder learning.
Allow space for grieving past expectations or losses to fully let go, which enables you to be present with and appreciate the current reality.
In teams or groups, intentionally create space for collective grieving of losses or changes to process emotions effectively, preventing wasted energy on gossip or indirect expressions.
Recognize that doing your best and letting go of the need to be righteous is more relaxing, improves sleep, and allows you to give yourself a break.
Regularly cut back “dead wood” or things that are merely “good” in your life, similar to pruning fruit trees, to allow for more flourishing, strength, and new growth.
Pay attention to feelings of “this is too good” or patterns like frequent arguments after periods of closeness (e.g., Friday/Sunday nights for couples), as these indicate you’re hitting an upper limit.
Define yourself as a leader by taking responsibility for your influence in all areas of your life, including home, work, and relationships.
Be willing to have uncomfortable, vulnerable, and raw conversations with your partner about sexual preferences and desires to cultivate a more fulfilling sex life.
For deeper intimacy, especially for the “receiver” partner, create a physical and psychological environment that allows for relaxation and surrender (e.g., ensuring privacy, time, and freedom from interruption).
In relationships, establish a co-commitment to giving and receiving honest feedback, ensuring both partners are willing to hear and learn from each other.
Address and heal old traumas, especially sexual trauma, through therapy or other means, as unaddressed trauma will continue to affect relationships and intimacy.
When observing behavior you dislike in others, ask yourself, “What would have to be true for me to behave that way?” to foster empathy and understand underlying motivations.
Be present and aware of your internal parts or personas, as ignoring them will cause them to play out unconsciously, leading to unintended negative consequences.
Recognize that consistent intensity is unsustainable and a direct path to burnout; instead, allow for varied states of aliveness, including stillness.
Develop the “whole body yes” muscle by practicing it with small, everyday choices (e.g., menu, route home) to recognize your internal signature for yes/no, then apply it to bigger decisions.
Before relying on a “whole body yes,” ensure you are in a state of trust, not reactivity, to get an accurate read on your intuition.
When making decisions, consider options with your full intellectual, emotional, and body intelligence; if there isn’t a “check, check, check” across all three, it’s a “no.”