Shift your focus from diagnosing others or searching for ‘red flags’ in potential partners to better understanding yourself, as this hyper-vigilance increases anxiety and hinders genuine connection.
Focus on changing yourself first in a relationship rather than trying to get your partner to change, as making personal changes can significantly impact the dynamic and give you more power.
Explore your ’emotional ghosts’ – past traumatic or challenging experiences that have left a mark – to understand how they shape your adult relational dynamics and influence the intensity of your reactions.
Interview your parents or grandparents about their experiences with love, dating, and family history, asking questions about their expectations, challenges, and any relational breaks, to gain insight into your own intergenerational patterns and humanize them.
Recalibrate your expectations for a partner to be ‘good enough’ rather than perfect, accepting that they will be kind yet fallible and flawed, as demanding too much from a real person is unsustainable.
Abandon the ‘happily ever after’ and ‘perfect match’ fairy tale narratives, as these unrealistic expectations for a flawless partner and effortless love create anxiety and prevent genuine connection.
Aim for a ‘good enough’ relationship that is mostly satisfying and includes inevitable limitations, problems, and conflicts, rather than seeking a fully perfect one that requires no effort, embracing tolerance and forgiveness.
Embrace the concept of ’normal marital hate,’ recognizing that every partner will inevitably disappoint and annoy you, and learn to accept and honor their human limitations without viewing them as complete flaws.
Find a middle ground between ’never settling’ and settling for an abusive relationship; instead, choose to ‘settle down’ with a ‘good enough’ partner to gain relational experience, learn about yourself, and develop through conflict.
Approach dating with curiosity, focusing on ‘what you can find out’ about the other person and yourself in their presence, rather than anxiously searching for a perfect long-term match, to foster genuine connection.
Consume social media relationship content critically, slowing down to think deeper about it, as much of it lacks nuance, complexity, and context, making it difficult to apply effectively.
Understand that relationships require consistent work, including patience, effort, tolerance, and forgiveness, rather than relying solely on manifestation or magical thinking to bring a partner into existence.
Actively engage and verbalize your needs and feelings in a relationship instead of withdrawing or going silent when upset, as this proactive communication prevents resentment and shapes a healthier dynamic.
Understand your personal ’triggers’ – intense emotional reactions often rooted in past wounds – to approach your partner with self-awareness and empathy, rather than blame or entitlement, when needs arise.
When your partner is struggling or reacting intensely, practice empathy and curiosity by asking ‘Is everything okay?’ or ‘Where does this come from?’ instead of assuming their behavior is about you or responding with blame.
Normalize having hard conversations and engaging in conflict within relationships, ensuring they remain safe and avoid contempt, as these discussions are crucial for preventing resentment and fostering deeper connection.
If you’re uncertain about ending a relationship, try working on it, potentially through couples counseling, as this process can provide clarity and help both partners navigate the ending constructively, even if separation occurs.
When a relationship ends, stop evaluating yourself or your partner and instead allow yourself to grieve and feel the pain, embracing tolerance, courage, patience, and self-awareness through the difficult process.