<p>Modern dating can feel like a marketplace. We’re told we all have a “mate value,” that some people are 9s and 10s, and that the laws of evolution determine who gets chosen — and who gets rejected. But what if we’ve misunderstood what evolutionary science actually says about love?</p> <p>Dr. Laurie sits down with social psychologist Dr. Paul Eastwick, author of <a href="https://podcasts.apple.com/fr/podcast/bonded-by-evolution-how-attraction-really-works-paul/id1553279283?i=1000750432909&l=en-GB"><em>Bonded by Evolution: The New Science of Love and Connection</em></a>, to challenge some of the most pervasive myths about attraction and compatibility. Do dating app algorithms actually know who's right for you? Are we really all placed in different "leagues"? If you’ve ever wondered whether love is destiny, biology, or something you can actually create, Dr. Eastwick offers a surprising new perspective.</p> <p>Resources mentioned in this episode:</p> <p><a href="https://books.apple.com/us/audiobook/bonded-by-evolution-the-new-science-of-love/id1815733977"><em>Bonded by Evolution: The New Science of Love and Connection</em></a></p> <p>“<a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1999-13804-007">The Pairing Game: A Classroom Demonstration of the Matching Phenomenon</a>”</p> <p>“<a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1989-01355-001">Matching for Attractiveness in Romantic Partners and Same-Sex Friends: A Meta-Analysis and Theoretical Critique</a>”</p> <p>“<a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/chapter/bookseries/abs/pii/S0065260108601446">The Social Relations Model</a>”</p> <p>“<a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16634665/">Once More: Is Beauty in the Eye of the Beholder? Relative contributions of private and shared taste to judgments of facial attractiveness</a>”</p> <p>“<a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18211175/">Sex Differences in Mate Preferences Revisited: Do People Know What They Initially Desire in a Romantic Partner?</a>”</p> <p>“<a href="https://dataverse.unc.edu/dataset.xhtml?persistentId=doi:10.15139/S3/HK7KZQ">Northwestern Speed-dating Study I</a>”</p> <p>“<a href="https://dataverse.unc.edu/dataset.xhtml?persistentId=doi:10.15139/S3/52MIJO">Northwestern Speed-dating Study II</a>”</p> <p>“<a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1999-15054-010">The (Mental) Ties That Bind: Cognitive Structures That Predict Relationship Resilience</a>”</p> <p>“<a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/10888683211025860">We’re Not That Choosy: Emerging Evidence of a Progression Bias in Romantic Relationships</a>”</p> <p>“<a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0010027711001971">Romantic Relationship Status Biases Memory of Faces of Attractive Opposite-Sex Others: Evidence from a Reverse-Correlation Paradigm</a>”</p> <p>“<a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S2352250X15000603">Relationship Regulation in the Face of Eye Candy: a Motivated Cognition Framework for Understanding Responses to Attractive Alternatives</a>”</p> <p>“<a href="https://faculty.wcas.northwestern.edu/eli-finkel/documents/InPress_TidwellEastwickFinkel_PersonalRelationships_000.pdf">Perceived, not actual, similarity predicts initial attraction in a live romantic context: Evidence from the speed-dating paradigm</a>”</p> <p>“<a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28853645/">Is Romantic Desire Predictable? Machine Learning Applied to Initial Romantic Attraction</a>”</p> <p>“<a href="https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/love-factually/id1766543146">Love Factually</a>”</p><p>See <a href="https://omnystudio.com/listener">omnystudio.com/listener</a> for privacy information.</p>
Actionable Insights
1. Embrace Compatibility’s Creative Chaos
Understand that compatibility is built and constructed through sequences of interactions unfolding over time, rather than being a fixed, pre-existing match. Engage with others repeatedly to discover what you can bond over, recognizing that initial connections can stem from serendipitous moments you then build upon.
2. Give Potential Partners Multiple Chances
Be willing to give people a second or third chance, especially when dating online, as compatibility and connection might not develop during a brief first interaction. Resist the urge to bail quickly due to the perception of endless options, which can hinder meaningful connection.
3. Prioritize Socializing and Meeting People
Actively prioritize spending time with friends and meeting new people in general social settings, rather than solely focusing on specific ‘dating venues.’ This expands your social network and naturally creates new possibilities for romantic connections.
4. Cultivate Positive Partner Perception
In ongoing relationships, actively focus on seeing your partner in the best possible light and compartmentalize their shortcomings. This motivated way of thinking helps maintain the relationship’s value and encourages continued effort.
5. Downplay Alternative Romantic Partners
When in a relationship, mentally diminish the attractiveness of potential alternative partners. This psychological defense mechanism helps preserve your current bond by preventing wandering eyes.
6. Broaden Your Compatibility Horizon
Challenge the assumption that you can only be compatible with a narrow type of person. Be open to the idea that you can build meaningful connections with a wider range of individuals than you initially expect.
7. Expand Dating App Criteria
When using dating apps, broaden your criteria for who you’re willing to consider and give people a chance beyond a quick first impression or a perfect resume match. If something about a person sparks intrigue, explore it even if they don’t align in other ways.
8. Reject “Friend Zone” Misogyny
Disregard online advice that demonizes friendships with the opposite gender as a ’trap.’ Men and women can be friends, and cultivating diverse friend networks (including both genders) actually increases your likelihood of finding romantic partners.
9. Re-develop Socializing with Acquaintances
Actively practice socializing with people you only ‘kind of know,’ such as friends of friends or community members. This lost art is a historically effective way to form relationships and doesn’t require stunning confidence from the outset.
Complement online dating by engaging in community activities like intramural sports leagues or cooking classes. These provide natural, low-pressure environments to meet new people and foster connections.
11. Be Patient in Relationship Building
Practice patience in your search for a partner, understanding that meaningful connections and compatibility take time to develop. Re-establish the art of ‘hanging out’ and seeing where social interactions lead.
12. Enjoy Socializing for Its Own Sake
Engage in socializing because it is inherently enjoyable and happiness-inducing, not just as a means to find a romantic partner. This shift in focus can lead to an expanding social network and new possibilities.
13. Re-evaluate Deal Breakers
Don’t rely too heavily on a rigid list of ‘deal breakers’ or specific matching criteria, as research shows these are poor predictors of actual compatibility. People’s stated preferences often reflect their social environment rather than what truly fosters a bond.
14. Skepticism Towards Matching Algorithms
Be skeptical of online dating algorithms and matching services that claim to predict deep compatibility. Research indicates these algorithms are largely ineffective at predicting which specific pairs will ‘click.’
15. Reflect on Rejection Causes
When facing rejection, take time to understand the underlying reasons rather than internalizing it as a personal failing. This reflection can provide valuable insights for personal growth and future interactions.