← The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos

Treating the Pain of a Broken Heart

Aug 23, 2021 33m 49s 10 insights
<p>Being shunned by a lover, a school or an employer hurts - but we're only just beginning to understand how real this pain is and what steps we can take to administer a bit of emotional first aid to stop the experience scarring us for good.</p><p>Dr Laurie Santos talks to leading experts in the science of rejection... and to actor/marine/golfer Tim Colceri about one of the most extreme real life stories of humiliation and dashed hopes you're ever likely to hear.</p><p> </p> Learn more about your ad-choices at <a href="https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com">https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com</a><p>See <a href="https://omnystudio.com/listener">omnystudio.com/listener</a> for privacy information.</p>
Actionable Insights

1. Apply Emotional First Aid Promptly

Treat emotional wounds like rejection, failure, or loneliness with the same urgency as physical cuts or burns, as delaying treatment can lead to long-term psychological harm.

2. Practice Self-Compassion After Rejection

Counter the natural tendency to beat yourself up with negative self-talk when your self-esteem is low after rejection; instead, exhibit self-compassion to avoid worsening emotional wounds.

3. Actively Recall Your Specific Value

To counteract negative self-talk after rejection, make an exhaustive list of your real qualities (not aspirational ones) and write paragraphs about why one of these qualities is meaningful and how you’ve demonstrated it.

4. Seek Social Connection Post-Rejection

Fight the urge to withdraw and instead reach out to your social group to reconnect, reminding yourself that you belong and are appreciated, which serves as an ‘amazing tonic’ for rejection pain.

5. Utilize Social Snacking

When direct social support isn’t possible, ease ‘social hunger’ by practicing ‘social snacking,’ such as surrounding yourself with pictures and mementos of loved ones to feel connected.

6. Reframe Rejection Objectively

When rejected, reframe the experience by realizing they are rejecting a specific aspect (e.g., an application) rather than your entire self, allowing you to focus on improvable elements.

7. Avoid Numbing Emotional Pain

Do not numb emotional pain with substances like sugar or alcohol, as these only provide temporary relief and do not solve the underlying emotional issue, leaving you still in pain the next day.

8. Avoid Painkillers for Emotional Hurt

Do not take over-the-counter painkillers like Tylenol or aspirin to ease emotional pain from rejection, as this is dangerous and can be toxic.

9. Seek Spiritual Comfort

If you are hurting badly, consider going to church or seeking spiritual comfort, as suggested by Tim’s father during a difficult time.

10. Walk Alone When in Shock

When experiencing shock or intense distress, go for a walk by yourself to process your feelings and gain solitude.