← The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos

The Secret to Making Friends as an Adult

Sep 6, 2022 32m 19s 14 insights
<p>Loneliness is a far more common and far more serious problem than we think. It affects one in five Americans, and takes a toll on our bodies and minds. To thrive we need to several types of social interactions - both casual and more intimate.  </p> <p>With the help of US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy; Harvard Divinity School fellow Casper ter Kuile; and friendship expert Marisa Franco; Dr Laurie Santos looks at how loneliness might be affecting you or someone you know, and what science-back steps you can take to increase your circle of friends. </p> <p>For further reading: </p> <p>Vivek Murthy<em> - Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World.</em></p> <p>Marisa Franco<em> - Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends as an Adult. </em></p><p>See <a href="https://omnystudio.com/listener">omnystudio.com/listener</a> for privacy information.</p>
Actionable Insights

1. Prioritize Relationships Over Work

Actively choose to prioritize your relationships, even when busy, because letting them slide for work can have a greater cost than imagined for your well-being.

2. Address All Loneliness Types

Understand and actively seek to fulfill intimate, relational, and collective connections to comprehensively address loneliness and ensure overall social health.

3. Friendship Requires Intentional Effort

Recognize that friendships don’t just happen organically; they require initiative and intentionality to go out and make them, as those who see friendship as effort are less lonely years later.

4. Assume Others Like You

Counter the ’liking gap’ bias by assuming people like you more than you think, which helps reduce anxiety and encourages engagement in social interactions.

5. Overcome Social Avoidance

Actively engage with people at social events rather than disengaging (covert avoidance) by introducing yourself and saying hello, as this increases the likelihood of connection.

6. Stop Social Safety Behaviors

When feeling socially anxious, avoid ‘safety behaviors’ like disengaging or playing on your phone, as these actions make rejection more likely and prevent genuine connection.

7. Take Initiative to Connect

Recognize that your social world is within your control and take intentional actions, like introducing yourself, to initiate new connections and change the trajectory of your friendships.

8. Practice Vulnerability

Deepen intimate friendships by voluntarily sharing problems, admitting struggles, or asking for help, as this makes others feel special, conveys trust, and brings people closer.

9. Make Others Feel Valued

Focus on making other people feel loved and valued, as this is a key trait of individuals who are good at making and keeping friends.

10. Seek Varied Social Interactions

Actively pursue a variety of social interactions, including both shallow/fleeting and lasting/intimate ones, to maintain health and avoid loneliness.

11. Join Communal Learning Environments

Fight collective loneliness by signing up for classes like singing, calligraphy, or coding, as these environments provide a low-intensity way to meet people and form relationships.

12. Engage Shared Hobbies In-Person

Combat collective loneliness by participating in shared hobbies in real life, such as watching a game, volunteering for a cause, or attending a concert, to meet fellow fans.

13. Create Community with Shared Texts

Foster collective connection by organizing or joining a group that discusses a shared text, like a book series, to build a sense of congregation and mutual support.

14. Invite for Simple Gatherings

Build collective community by inviting one or two people over to share a meal or go for a walk to discuss something you love, allowing organic growth of connections.