When bringing up a complaint, use a 3-step formula: 1) State a real emotion about yourself, 2) State what situation it’s about, and 3) State your positive need (what you do want your partner to do) to avoid criticism and encourage help.
Avoid expecting your partner to read your mind; instead, openly and positively express your needs, showing them how they can support you, which builds interdependency, strength, and trust.
When your partner makes a ‘bid for connection’ (e.g., sharing a thought), respond with interest, attention, and connection (’turning towards’) to foster a good relationship and reduce physiological arousal during conflict.
Retain deep curiosity about your partner by consistently asking open-ended questions (with big answers) to understand who they are today and who they want to be tomorrow, as people are always evolving.
Make it a habit of mind to actively look for what your partner is doing right, even small things, and express gratitude by saying ’thank you’ for their positive contributions.
Aim for a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflict (e.g., kindness, interest, curiosity, agreement, understanding) to lubricate discussions and achieve mutual understanding.
During significant conflict, ask deep questions like ‘Am I hearing you correctly?’ and ‘Where did that value come from?’ to explore your partner’s internal landscape and learn about their inner world.
Be humble and acknowledge your own flaws and faults, rather than expecting perfection from your partner, and reflect on yourself before criticizing them.
Begin with a clear intention to make your relationship better, as this foundational mindset is crucial for applying effective tools and habits.
Download the free ‘Gottman Card Decks’ app to access ’expressing needs’ cards (use weekly for 30 minutes to state needs) and ‘open-ended questions’ cards to facilitate communication.
Conduct an annual ‘honeymoon’ or review where you ask each other three questions: ‘What did you love about this year?’, ‘What did you hate about this year?’, and ‘What do you want next year to be like?’
Schedule regular ‘date nights’ (e.g., once a week for three hours) to intentionally ask each other ‘big questions’ to learn about each other.
Pay more attention to your loved ones, as a connected relationship can lead to a longer and happier life, potentially extending life by about 17 years.
Understand that love occurs in small, moment-to-moment actions, emphasizing that consistent positive interactions are what make a difference in a relationship.