Be a “warm demander” by setting high, non-negotiable standards for your children while simultaneously offering ample support and care to help them meet those expectations. This approach fosters growth without resorting to authoritarian control.
Employ questioning as a more effective communication strategy than direct telling, as it empowers young people to engage in problem-solving and develop their own understanding.
Help children develop cognitive reappraisal skills by asking a sequence of questions during distress: “What does this mean to you?”, “What else could it mean?”, “Would that serve your purposes?”, and “If this better thing was true, would that meet your goals?”
Motivate young people by tapping into their inherent desire for status, respect, and social value. Frame desired behaviors as aligning with their existing values like independence or social justice, rather than introducing new values like long-term health.
Change behavior more effectively by demonstrating how the desired action aligns with a person’s existing values, rather than attempting to persuade them to adopt a new value.
Embrace a “never waste a crisis” mindset, using every challenging moment as an opportunity to teach children proactive conflict resolution and emotional management skills, rather than just solving the immediate problem.
Adopt a future-oriented parenting approach, focusing on equipping children with the skills and mindset to handle challenges independently in the long term, rather than just addressing immediate issues.
Treat young people with respect by assuming their competence and autonomy, allowing them to exercise their own agency in making choices rather than viewing them through a “neurobiological incompetence” model.
Assume children are acting in good faith, recognizing that behaviors like reluctance or deviance often mask underlying difficulties or a lack of understanding, rather than indicating a character issue.
Be explicitly transparent about your intentions when communicating with young people, as they are prone to negatively misinterpreting unstated motivations due to their perceived status disparity.
Recognize that when children say “you didn’t listen to me,” they are expressing a need to feel heard and understood, not necessarily a refusal to obey. This reframing can help avoid misinterpretations and conflict.
Shift your parenting goal from immediate obedience to fostering children’s ability to make proactive, healthy choices for their long-term well-being, even if it doesn’t align with immediate demands.
Refrain from simply explaining your thoughts and plans to young people and expecting immediate compliance, as this “groansplaining” comes across as disrespectful and can lead them to reject your message.
Avoid nagging children, as studies show it increases anger and decreases brain activity in areas responsible for planning, reasoning, and social cognition, making them less likely to engage constructively.
Approach interactions with children from a place of curiosity, not judgment, to uncover their capabilities and teach them to be more curious about their own emotions and others’ intentions.
When children face academic challenges, initiate collaborative troubleshooting by asking what they’ve tried and why it’s not working, guiding them to find solutions while ensuring they remain the primary problem-solver.
Ask non-informative questions that don’t give direct answers, allowing children to troubleshoot independently while feeling supported, thus ensuring they own the problem-solving process.
When children make significant mistakes, use collaborative troubleshooting by genuinely inquiring about their motivations and the situation, avoiding an offensive or punitive approach.
When children show reluctance towards a high standard, genuinely inquire about their reasons and collaboratively find solutions that work for them, ensuring the standard remains firm but their perspective is valued.