Recognize that a parent’s role involves two core jobs: setting boundaries to ensure safety and structure, and connecting to your child’s lived experience by validating their feelings.
Set boundaries by clearly stating what you will do, rather than making requests that rely on your child’s compliance, thereby embodying your authority in a sturdy way.
When setting a boundary, acknowledge and validate your child’s feelings (e.g., ‘Oh, it stinks to leave’) while firmly upholding the boundary, teaching them that emotions are manageable without giving in.
Resist the urge to fix your child’s unhappiness; instead, allow them to experience and sit with uncomfortable emotions, as this is crucial for building resilience in adulthood.
When your child is experiencing difficult emotions, metaphorically ‘sit on the bench’ with them without trying to fix it, making them feel less alone and teaching them to tolerate their feelings.
Apply curiosity to understand your own or your child’s challenging behavior or failures, asking ‘I wonder what was going on?’ to foster change, as judgment keeps you stuck.
Prioritize your child’s long-term resilience and skill-building over their short-term happiness or comfort, even if it means letting them experience temporary distress.
Act as a mirror for your child, reflecting their capability and strength by allowing them to face minor discomforts and figure things out, rather than constantly swooping in to fix problems.
Hold the psychological truth that you can be a deeply loving and good parent while simultaneously allowing your child to experience discomfort or face consequences for their actions.
To become the parent you aspire to be, focus on changing your internal interactions with yourself, particularly by addressing how you respond to your own struggles and judgment.
Instead of punishing, view a child’s meltdowns and rule-breaking as important signals or clues pointing to an underlying problem that needs to be understood.
When a child exhibits challenging behavior, activate curiosity by asking what might be going on for them or what skill they might need, rather than judging them.
When a child lies, avoid asking questions you know the answer to; instead, state what you know and lead with curiosity about what made it hard for them to be honest, prioritizing connection over immediate punishment.
Strengthen your relationship with your child by showing that telling the truth won’t sever your connection, as children lie to temporarily preserve attachment when they fear disconnection.
Introduce humor and playfulness into challenging parenting situations, especially when you feel tempted to resort to control and anger, to foster connection and motivation.
Embrace playfulness with your children, even if it feels awkward or wasn’t modeled for you, recognizing it as a brave, cycle-breaking act that fosters connection and joy.
For chores, tell your child you’ll close your eyes and if the task is done when you open them, you’ll do something silly, fostering trust and motivation through playfulness instead of control.
When a child is upset, use these three phrases to foster connection and show you’re not afraid of their feelings: ‘I’m so glad you’re talking to me about this,’ ‘I believe you,’ and ‘Tell me more.’
Understand that children, like adults, are motivated by connection, validation, humor, and fun, rather than threats or force, when asked to do things they don’t want to do.
Extend the benefit of the doubt to both yourself and your child, remembering that even when behavior is not ideal, everyone is ‘good inside.’